Thursday, September 21, 2006

Job No. 19 - Chief Procurement Officer

Today, I briefly considered applying to be a Customer Insight Executive working for Playboy, but I eventually decided that spending my working days trying to get into the minds of the average Playboy customer might not be an altogether fun job. So, I think I'll wait until Playboy are looking for someone to assist Hugh Hefner with his duties before sending them my CV...

In the meantime, I have a higher cause to serve - I have applied to be a Chief Procurement Officer for the United Nations. I would like to tell you that I read through the job description and recognised in it a set of skills and abilities that I owned, but the sad truth is that I never actually bothered reading through the job description at all - you see it was just far too long. But, in summary, it seems like the main responsibility of a Chief Procurement Officer at the United Nations is to buy things.

Buying things seems like a fairly easy job to me. I have spent the afternoon imagining how free of stress my day-to-day routine would be...

9am - check and reply to email.
10am - read through all my favourite websites.
12pm - procure myself some lunch
2pm - Kofi Annan calls, he's out of digestive biscuits - can I nip down to Tesco and procure him some?
4pm - UN are holding a banquet. I head back out to Tesco and procure them a pack of frozen sausage rolls, some scotch eggs, a packet of Mr Kipling French Fancies and an economy size box of Ferrero Roche (it is officially impossible to have a UN function without these - UN resolution 2789).
5pm - just time to check my email again then I'm off to procure a train ticket home.

I think that I could fit seamlessly into the well-oiled machine that is the United Nations - that I could become an integral procuring cog of the machine that helps ensure that the Security Council never again runs out of Bovril...

4 comments:

TheThirdPoliceman said...

I am actually a Procurement officer for a large International Organisation, not unlike the UN.

Procurement essentialy means "to get" - i.e. to get SOMEHOW, which means you can use any dirty trick at your disposal to get what you what. Freebies, undercutting...even stealing is technically considered procurement! (wink wink) Maybe you can incorporate that into any letter you feel the need to write.....

Incidentally, you could train a monkey to do this job. In fact, any international organisation tends to pay top dollar for doing bugger all.

Not that I'm complaining.

Oliver Davies said...

Thank you for your advice! I now feel fully prepared for any interview the United Nations might offer me. If, at any point during the interview, I'm struggling for something to say, I can just offer to shoplift some baked beans from Aldi...

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Andrew said...

....and don't forget the vegetarian pizza mini-slices!