Saturday, September 30, 2006

Job No. 28 - Sheriff's Correction Officer

Today, I broadened my job search worldwide and, while looking through the US version of Monster I came across a vacancy in Santa Barbara that I felt would be just perfect - Sheriff's Correction Officer.

It is my understanding that the problem many Sheriffs have is that, despite an excellent background in urban law enforcement, they are often somewhat lacking in, equally important, areas such as grammar or dining etiquette. Historically, I believe such gaps in knowledge have either been ignored, which is rightly regarded as a ticking timebomb, or have resulted in extensive re-training, which can lead to disturbing gaps in policing levels. It is a little known statistic that more than 54 armed robberies could have been foiled in New York State between 2003-2005 if it weren't for the fact that police were attending a seminar teaching them how to 'yawn politely in public'.

Santa Barbara County, obviously one of the more modern and proactive police agencies, seems to be willing to take radical steps in order to deal with this issue by hiring Correction Officers who can travel with the Sheriffs and ensure that they minimise faux pas and general failings of decorum.

In my application statement I explained that:

I am very polite and well mannered yet believe in discipline when an offence has been committed. I feel that I would enjoy working in this type of rehabilitating environment and that I could help make a difference, not only ensuring offenders are aware of the mistakes they've made but also encouraging them so they don't slip back into their old ways once I'm not there.

The level of discipline required is directly proportional to the level of embarrassment that arises from the Sheriff's failings. For example, if at a dining function, the Sheriff reaches to select a dessert spoon when he should clearly be using a soup spoon, this can be rectified by a stout poke in the ribs with a nightstick. However, in the case of a more serious transgression of decorum, such as attempting to squeeze the juice from a grapefruit half at a buffet, it is necessary to resort to the use of a taser...

I will await their, no doubt swift, request for an interview.

6 comments:

A. Grammar-Checker said...

I’m quite envious of this one. You seem to have chosen to put more emphasis on the etiquette side, and although I would derive a certain amount of satisfaction from poking a recalcitrant sheriff in the ribs for eating his soup out of the wrong side of the bowl, I would truly have relished the opportunity to correct those Yanks’ grammar and pronunciation. I could make very effective use of the taser to stop them saying ‘aluminum foil’ and ‘I would have gotten it right’ – both of which have me quivering with suppressed rage each time I hear them. I’d also set them straight on the ‘biscuit’ blunder. You know what I mean… you ask for a biscuit in America and you get what can best be described as a stodgy savoury scone.

My only worry would be that I would over-extend myself. Instead of confining my correctional duties to the Sheriffs themselves, I’m concerned that I would find myself correcting the felons, suspects, witnesses, lawyers, judges and almost everyone else I came into contact with.

So, good luck with this one. I haven’t read all of your posts yet – I don’t have much time in my lunch break – do you ever post the replies? I’d love to read what the Sheriff’s Office make of your application.

Oliver Davies said...

The Sheriff's office hasn't got back in touch as of yet...but I'm sure it's just a matter of time!

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