Thursday, October 12, 2006

Job No. 40 - Country Director

Ever the fan of grandiose job titles, I couldn't help but being impressed today when - while browsing through the ever dependable USA Jobs website - I found a vacancy for a Country Director working for the Peace Corp...

Now, I had to do a bit of checking to find out exactly what a Country Director does but it seems that the job entails you being in charge of hundreds of Peace Corp volunteers plus up to fifty Peace Corp full-time employees and a multi-million dollar budget. Which sounds quite easy...

Not only do I have plenty of experience of managing teams (by my reckoning I've been in charge of at least five game development teams over the last ten years) and wasting multi-million dollar budgets but also, if there's one thing I've learnt from being in the game industry it is that the further up the management ladder you manage to climb, the less work you actually have to bother doing. Consequently, by the time you have clambered all the way to the very top of the greasy career pole to be a Country Director, you have dispensation to do absolutely nothing all day long...

I can already imagine how my average day is likely to go; breeze into a suitably exotic country on a late morning commuter flight from Teesside, walk swiftly through the office nodding in the vague direction of my minions (communication via nodding is taught at management school as an essential tactic since it saves the nuisance of having to learn the names of your underlings) before shutting myself away in my office for an hour while I check out what's been happening on my favourite websites (aided only by a fresh pot of tea delivered to me at regular fifteen minute intervals). With the hard part of the day out of the way, it's soon time for an extended lunch; returning in time to have a twenty minute meeting with my senior staff where I eat biscuits and delegate any work that might hinder my ability to relax. With that done, I can wander the office delivering glib motivational one-liners for half an hour or so (to make sure team morale is at its optimum level) before retiring to my office, secure in the knowledge I've done my bit, to spend the afternoon sharpening my all-important Solitaire skills. Then, before you know it, it's 4pm and time to march out of the office (carrying a bulging briefcase and laptop for effect) with my best harried expression (which I practise each morning in the mirror), handing out a few curt nods on my way, before catching an early flight back to good old Blighty...

However, I realised an important piece of information was missing from the job advert - the country that I would be directing.

This is, I'm sure you'll agree, very important. After all, I imagine it is much easier to direct a small country such as Monaco than it is to direct a far larger country such as, say, India. Equally, if possible, I'd like to try and direct somewhere that's not likely to see any kind of civil war, insurgency or popular uprising and where they have clement weather and you can get a decent cup of Earl Grey (I've heard St. Barthelemy is meant to be quite nice). I decided to delicately touch upon the issue in my application letter...

Dear Marc

I wish to apply for the position of Country Director, as advertised on the USA Jobs site, and have attached my most recent resume.

Not only do I have extensive experience of team management and handling multi-million dollar budgets but, during the last six years of my consultancy work, I have been responsible for the vision of the projects I've worked on. I always make sure that, while my primary responsibility is to manage the team, I am mindful of the fact that we will always be judged by our results.

I have extensive experience of dealing with the media - most recently being interviewed for BBC Radio 5 - and believe I have the necessary skills to succeed within the role.

The job advert did not specify exactly where the position would be stationed and, while I am obviously prepared to travel wherever the job takes me, I would be especially interested to know whether you have any current roles available in the Caribbean?

Regards

Oliver


I feel sure this marginal bending of the truth will be enough to convince them that I am, indeed, the man for the job and, before long, I could be directing a country (not so) near you...

2 comments:

Ms. Theologian said...

I don't know...you actually seem pretty qualified for this one!

Oliver Davies said...

Yet, for some reason, I've had no reply! It's prejudice I tell you, prejudice!