Today I decided to gather up my small collection of writing skills and try to put them to use in the highly competitive world of journalism...
And while newspaper journalism is sort of interesting (and may win you pulitzer prizes), I knew that I wanted to aim for loftier goals, I wanted to set my sights on writing for a publication that would not only satisfy my ego but also my artistic soul. Which is why I did my best to apply to Heat Magazine - I even researched and wrote a sample article - but, unfortunately, it seems that the publishers of the magazine (Emap) don't appear to be looking for any journalists at the moment.
What to do? It seemed such a shame to waste all my effort and research so, I decided that rather than simply abandoning my fledgling article, I should try and find another journalism job where I could salvage it. Which is why, today, I decided to apply to be Senior Journalist for Off License News.
The job advert said a knowledge of wines, beers and spirits would be helpful and, while I can certainly testify to some first hand experience in this area, I knew that I would only really impress them by showing them that I could do what they asked and 'produce exclusive and eye-catching articles'. All I needed to do was to rejig my earlier celebrity story a bit and, voila! - an Off License centric article was born:
"Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been struggling to get along recently, alleges Ellie Harbaker, who claims to have seen them arguing at her local Off License in Wigan.
"They were shouting and cursing each other in the wine section," explained Mrs Harbaker, 49. "Brad wanted Blue Nun but Angelina was putting her foot down and saying she wouldn't settle for anything less than a bottle of Black Tower.
In a surprise announcement, Tom Cruise revealed today that the Scientology movement is hoping to strike a deal with well-known British Off License, Threshers, which will see Scientologists operating from all 2,000 of the company's stores including The Local and The Wine Rack. The news comes as blow for the South England based Off License, Unwins, which had been in negotiations with Scientologists for the last few months.
Kate Moss and Pete Docherty were spotted leaving a London Off License at the weekend, holding hands in a gesture that seems to be intended to quash rumours they are close to breaking up again. Kate was wearing a crushed velvet gold top, short black skirt, a Dior belt (on the hips rather than cinched), Marc Jacobs ankle boots and her trademark oversized sunglasses.
Admittedly, I had to rejig a smidgen; I had to change the location and the reason that Brad and Angelina were arguing, and I had to change absolutely everything about the Tom Cruise Scientology story (it was hard to work in the Off License angle otherwise) but I only had to change one small detail in the Kate Moss story so I figured that balanced things out in the long run...
I was certain that my journalistic genius would shine through but thought it best to let them know that, while previously celebrity journalism had been my aim, I could write on any subject, in any style:
I wish to apply for the position of Senior Reporter for Off License News and have attached a recent CV for your consideration.
My principle journalistic focus has tended to be the cult of celebrity but I am keen to expand my expertise into other areas and prove my writing skills aren't one dimensional. I believe that I could help you produce the exclusive and eye-catching articles you are looking for.
I have also attached a sample of a recent article as a demonstration of my writing style. I very much look forward to hearing from you.
I'm certain they will be back to me quite soon - no doubt asking me to do an exclusive and eye-catching feature on 'too-thin celebrities who are addicted to off licenses and want to adopt children from Botswana' or something similar...