This being All Hallows Eve, I decided to see if I could find myself a suitably themed job application - and, after spending some time looking through the Simply Hired website, I found myself with two exciting options for the evening...
Firstly, I found an opportunity to live out all my childhood Ghostbuster fantasies, as it seems that C.A.S.P.E.R Investigations (Central Arizona Specialists in Paranormal Event Research) are looking for a Paranormal Investigator. However, my initial excitement at the job soon began to wane when I realised that, not only do C.A.S.P.E.R suffer from a distinct lack of PKE meters and Ghost Traps but also - from the photos on their myspace page - it appears that they have no Proton Packs!
The remainder of the job application failed to reassure my concerns:
"It would be great if you had your own or some of your own equipment. (voice recorders, digital cameras, video cameras, emf detecor, digital thermometers. etc)"
And the final straw to break the back of my opportunity to pretend to be Bill Murray was the fact that C.A.S.P.E.R are a non-profit organisation so this is strictly a non-paying gig. Well, I don't know about you, but I don't think I'm quite ready to challenge ghouls, ghosts and giant Marshmallow Men purely for the fun of it...
So instead I turned my attention to my second choice vacancy - Valet (Graveyard) for the Balboa Bay Club & Resort in Newport Beach.
I'm not entirely sure why the Balboa Bay Club & Resort feels it is necessary to provide an on-site cemetery - perhaps it's merely a marketing ploy to differentiate them from other nearby resorts - but I assume it has proven to be a success since they need to take on extra staff. I have to say, although I'm not particularly squeamish, I did find some of the job's duties to be a little on the distasteful side:
"Greet all guests; park guest vehicle safely; provide assistant to guests relative to transportation needs and/or concerns."
I realise that the Balboa Bay Club is a highly prestigious and luxurious resort but greeting all the guests seems a little over-the-top - after all, they're surely unlikely to complain (at least, very loudly) if I don't bother to say hello when they arrive. However, if the job truly requires it, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to pop the lid for five minutes and exchange brief pleasantries...
Having never driven a hearse, I'm a little unsure about my ability to park guest's vehicles but I'm sure it's something that I'll get the hang of after a while. However, my biggest concern is with regard to the guest's transportation needs - I can only theorise that this particular graveyard is so high-class that the dead are moved around so they don't get bored of the view. I'm hoping they'll at least provide me with gloves for this part of my work.
Nevertheless, feeling that I could well be the man for this particular job, I decided to write a covering letter to demonstrate my understanding of the position:
I am writing with regard to the Valet (Graveyard) position and have attached a recent resume for your consideration.
I believe that it is vital to treat your guests with respect and to ensure they have a restful stay. It would be my pleasure to handle any transportation requests they might have and to transfer them between sites where necessary.
I feel good hygiene is essential when dealing with guests and imagine that a stout pair of gloves may well prove to assist with this aspect of the job. I also know that, while I need to adopt a lively manner, it is unacceptable to attempt to fraternize with any of the guests. While some may take this position with the expectation of interacting with the guests, I take a more professional and detached viewpoint.
I trust you will give my application serious consideration and look forward to hearing from you soon.
I'm certain that this Lord Tennyson inspired "valet of death' position is likely to catch on and, before you know it, all the major hotels will be finding room for a small cemetery on their grounds (perhaps converting the odd wine cellar here, reserving a room there). And I could be in there, right at the very beginning - ready to then capitalise on the forthcoming expansion of the industry. Oh yes, the market may well be a little dead at the moment...but in a few years it might just be really dead...