Monday, November 06, 2006

Job No. 65 - Pet Counselor

I decided to apply for today's job not because it offered a fantastic salary (it doesn't), nor even because it's based in a fantastic location (although, admittedly, Florida is marginally more fantastic than Ingleby Barwick) but, instead, because I knew that it would allow me to help the needy in their times of trouble. So, really, there was no hesitation when it came to applying to be a Pet Counselor for Petland in Delray Beach...

In 1953, the world was a very different place - TV was still a relatively new media, the era of home computing was decades away and mobile phones were a thing of science fiction; it was a time where job related stress hadn't been invented, where there were no alcoholics (just people who liked a good drink) and where homosexuality was very much still in the closet (and firmly padlocked there, thank you very much). It was a different world, and one where mental problems were frowned upon and quite often ignored. And so it comes as little surprise that, in the unsympathetic climate of 1953, a comprehensive survey carried out by Gallup to determine the state of the nation's pets revealed that only the smallest fraction (4% of dogs, 1.5% of cats) were prepared to admit to any kind of psychological disorder...

But times have changed. The world of 2006 gallops along at a much faster pace and, if you can't keep up, it's all too easy to find yourself falling by the wayside. In these enlightened times, we accept that it's not easy being a domesticated animal and that pets have to deal with the same weaknesses and worries as us humans. And, with stresses and addictions running at an all time high, a return survey in 2005 revealed that almost 80% of pets are now dealing with a mental disorder - with 26% believing they are living with multiple psychological disorders...

The job description mentioned that 'pet knowledge is desired but is not required as training will be given' - although quite why sales experience will be useful, I'm not sure. Perhaps you need to do sales pitches for treatment sessions? I wasn't sure why they were so insistent I be prepared to wear a Petland uniform and carry out cleaning of animal living spaces either. However, not one to quibble over such minor details, I focused on the main job at hand...

As a pet counselor I expect that I'll be dealing with a variety of traumas as I get pets on my couch - anorexic dogs, gender confused rabbits, cats with a crack problem, even sex addicted budgies - but I'm sure I can help them no matter what it is that ails them. Utilising an experimental hybrid approach that encompasses traditional Freudian psychoanalysis and cognitive-behavioural therapy, I'm certain that I can get to the root of their problems and help them reintegrate into society.

All I needed was to be given a chance - so I made sure my application made Petland aware of just how dedicated I was to this particular cause:

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Pet Counselor, as advertised on Regional Help Wanted and have attached a recent resume for your consideration.

I am deeply committed to the ideal of being a pet counselor and, aside from possessing a strong retail background I possess a keen interest in a variety of treatments including psychoanalysis and cognitive-behavioural therapy. I believe that I could make a difference to pets and help ensure that they can live lives free of psychological problems and addictions.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Oliver


With my application sent, it is now simply a case of waiting for Petland to ask for my assistance. After all, somewhere out there, a guinea pig with a compulsive disorder needs my help...

3 comments:

~Mismorphic~ said...

Oh the irony.. this is actually the sort of job I'm looking for! I just can't relocate to Florida to do it..

Anonymous said...

Very good :) I think you should have added a keen interest in amateur ECT, subject to finding some willing guineau pigs :D

Anonymous said...

Okay, seriously...is this a joke? cuz if you think "pet counselor" means that ur a shrink to pets, that's just ugh. We pet counselors give advice to people on how to take better care of their pets, or find the pet that's best for them.I personally work at the petland in Canada. They ask u to wear the petland uniform becuz it's wut it is! A uniform! most jobs have a uniform, I dont know y u wud think u wudnt need one at petland
Also, they want u to have sales experience because petland isnt just about playing eith the puppies nd feeding the fishies. It's about SELLING the puppies, and SELLINg the fish. Working at a petstore doesnt mean u get to slack off, u still need to work! Cleaning up after the animals is one of the jobs u must be comfortable with. the puppies cant live in a kennel of poop u know! How wud u like to live in a house filled with poo? I certainly wouldnt. Working at petland has taught me to be more respectful and to talk to people more. I actually got over my shyness! So pretty much, Petland is the best job I'v had. And it's given me the experience I need to go with my goal of being a veterinary technician. Sorry bout writin a novel :P