Well, after a day where I was unable to post an unsuitable job application because I was dealing with some suitable job possibilities (don't worry, dear reader, they came to nothing!), normal service is very much resumed today! However, I realised that my lack of job posting yesterday means I am now back on schedule since I applied for jobs 2 and 3 on the same day. Therefore, my revised finish date (if I've done my calculations properly) is December 13th...
So, after spending some time scouting for intriguing possibilities on Monster, I found a job that seemed to perfectly suit my indolent tendencies - Key Holder, working for Tuesday Morning Inc.
Now this seemed like it would be a particularly easy job. At 9am you come into work - you pick up the key and hold it; 12pm you put the key down (or pass it to an assistant key holder) so you can go for lunch, before returning at 1pm, fully refreshed and ready to hold the key until 5pm when it's time to clock off and go home. Nothing to it, I thought to myself - until I read the candidate requirements:
"Candidates must...be able to comfortably lift up to 50lbs."
Bloody hell, I thought to myself, that's some key. No wonder they need to hire somebody to hold it full-time; you wouldn't be able to just clip that one on your belt and wander off. Suddenly, the position lost all attractiveness - the idea of lugging a 50lb key (that's probably three foot long) around all day made me feel tired just thinking about it...
So, instead I took the advice of Jo who messaged me on Myspace to give me a heads up on an interesting job she had spotted - Leakage Project Co-ordinator, working in Berkshire...
With billions of gallons of water lost to leakages ever year in the UK, it seems that water suppliers just aren't happy - hence the need to employ a full-time co-ordinator to ensure that more leaks are created. I'm not sure whether they are creating leaks because they can then obtain government funding to repair them or if it's just simply a case that the water suppliers get bored, have nothing to do and nowhere to go and have turned to vandalism as a way out from the drudgery of their own existence. Alternately, it may be that water companies are in the business of sabotaging their rivals networks (in the hope the rival will lose their license and the vandals can move in and take charge). However, regardless of the cause, the job description showed they meant business:
"As a Leakage Project Coordinator it will be your primary function to coordinate the delivery of Leakage lead projects within each region to time, cost and quality requirements."
I envisaged that I'd drive around Berkshire, stopping here and there to unscrew a pipe or (if a major leak is called for) sledgehammer a water main - or perhaps, as a co-ordinator, I'd be able to stay nice and warm in the office and send out my leak causing minions to wreak havoc on the water grid. But, regardless of how my day would be organised, I was sure it would be a lot of fun.
Coincidentally, I recently had a small leak under my kitchen sink and managed to solve this particular problem with a set of spanners, a complete lack of DIY knowledge and several rolls of kitchen towel - I felt sure this was the sort of experience that I needed to detail in my application letter, to let them know that I've worked on similar things before...
I wish to apply for the position of Leakage Project Co-ordinator, as advertised on your website, and have attached a recent CV.
I have a strong background in managing complex technical projects and dealing with large budgets. In addition, I believe I could assist in dealing with the leakages and also ensure that they are properly co-ordinated.
I believe I could take the lead in delivering leakage solutions - whether big or small. I have some recent leakage experience, which I dealt with personally in a timely manner with minimal costing to the desired quality.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Hopefully, my email will trickle across the internet to arrive in Natalie's inbox tomorrow morning - and, before long, she's bound to be gushing with enthusiasm about my leakage potential! Now, I did consider creating an extensive final paragraph of water leakage puns (i.e. don't want to sound a drip, she'll be running to show people, etc.) but decided against it as I didn't wish to be seen plumbing such depths...