Job No. 69 - Workforce Transformation Manager

In the modern business world, while it may be acceptable for managers to make the mundane decisions, when it comes to the more vital and important decisions, blue chip companies will more than likely call in outside help to steer them in the right direction...

In the 21st century, management consultants are considered to be a little too 1990s and a new trend has emerged that sees industry basing its decisions on the use of psychics and crystal balls - at least, that is what I assumed when I saw an advertisement for an Oracle Consultant.

I envisaged sitting there in a darkened room, perhaps dressed in some kind of shawl, while the leading lights of British business take it in turns to come in and cross my palm with silver (or just simply left a big fat suitcase full of money). In return, I'd peer into my crystal ball or maybe do a bit of hydromancy (or both for only 50% more!) and tell them what lay ahead for them in the future. I'm certain this kind of random decision making is likely to be more successful than the managerial blundering we usually associate with many British companies...

However, despite the salary being perfectly adequate, my head was today turned by another vacancy - Workforce Transformation Manager.

My head filled with images of Trinny and Susannah, I imagined a job where I would be able to work cosmetic miracles and improve the aesthetics of the British workforce. And, while transforming the looks of office workers was interesting, I was more intrigued by the idea of taking a public workforce - for example, the police, and then working to make them happier with their visual appearance...

The standard British police uniform is remarkably dull; for an example, see this picture - in which we can see two police officers, with the officer on the left particularly ill at ease with his fashion sense. I feel that we could transform the police force by outfitting them in some pastel shades that will make them look a little less formal and perhaps replacing the police helmet (which is so 1800s) with a jaunty cap worn at an angle. And then there's the whole accessories problem - I mean, handcuffs? Batons? Maybe alright if you're going to an S&M do, but darling, not for the High Street - instead I think the police should be looking at high waisted metallic belts, Balenciaga sunglasses and Karl Lagerfeld's Chanel bag for 2007...

Ideally we'd want to get someone like Jean-Paul Gaultier in to completely reinvent their whole look but, with police funding the way it is, we'd probably be lucky if the finances stretched to new socks from Primark.

And so, with my application posted, I am now flicking through a copy of Vogue magazine - making sure I'm up-to-date with the latest developments in the fashion world and ready to transform workforces at a moment's notice...