Sunday, May 06, 2007

Job No. 77 - FHM High Street Honey

Well, I know it's been a while since I managed a job application - life has been rather hectic of late - but today I stumbled across news that FHM are looking for a new High Street Honey for 2007. Apparently it's:

"...the biggest - and sexiest - competition of its kind, with a prize to make any aspiring model go weak at the perfectly-formed knees. Fill out the form below and then submit your pictures for a chance to win £10,000 and a place on the FHM cover. Good luck!"

Now, I realise that a competition is not quite a job - but it's pretty close and winning the competition would ensure that I would receive
a "guaranteed modelling contract with a respectable modelling agency with whom we have a strong relationship."

From what I understand of the High Street Honeys competition, it is traditionally aimed at female entrants but - since I didn't see anything in the rules that prohibited males from entering - I figured I might as well have a good go. So, I started by reading FHM's six easy steps to taking a winning Honey's photo...

Step 1 - Do Wear Black
This wasn't too much of a problem for me since the vast majority of my wardrobe is in black. It would have far been harder to find something that wasn't black. Getting a suitable pose involved taking a look at some of last year's finalists, digging out the digital camera and - one quick ponce around in front of a door later - I'd captured my first FHM picture. I then made it black and white for a more artistic look...

Step 2 - Do Utilise Your Surroundings
I didn't have many surroundings to utilise - but I did have a door so I stood in front of it...

Step 3 - Do Be Proud
Apparently, if you have won an award, you shouldn't be afraid to show it in your photo. It was at this point that I cursed my misfortune in not stumping up the necessary cash to purchase my
2006 Editor's Choice Published Poet Ribbon Award Pin - just think how proud I would have been if I could have managed to get that into the photo!

Step 4 - Do Venture Outside
Once in a while, I find that I must abandon my PC and venture out into the world that lies outside my living room - it doesn't happen often but, fortunately, I managed to capture the momentous occasion on camera and used this for my second FHM picture....

Step 5 - Do Remove the Bra
FHM give the handy advice that '
half our last top ten lost the mango-hammock and got to the final!". Not possessing mangoes (or indeed any other kind of exotic fruit), let alone said hammock, I felt secure in the knowledge that I had done my best...

Step 6 - Do Show a Little Nip
Ok, so I fell at the final hurdle; both of my entries were completely nipple free - and, may I point out that any comments along the lines of 'but you made a tit out of yourself' would be almost entirely predictable...

So, with my pictures sorted I just had to complete the online entry form (I decided to name 'My Mum' as the person who had nominated me) and agree to the terms and conditions (which would, should I be chosen to reach the final 10, prevent me from appearing on the covers of rival magazines such as Maxim or Loaded). Now I just have to sit back and wait for that ten thousand pound modelling prize to fall into my lap...

6 comments:

Vin said...

Oliver my man, you are truly a genius!

The wait has been worth it...

Vin

lism. said...

Haha, genius! This post was well worth the wait.

Gill said...

Good luck...tee hee!

Anonymous said...

Oliver!

You are our honey of the High Street of Newport Road Middlesbrough, and of course you ooze sex appeal! Hairy nipple shots always appreciated!

Love,

Liz & Julie x

Arnold said...

Don,t publish the pictures and I will keep coming back to your blog
Good story....sorry about the blackmail.

Aisha said...

You are funny! Your post made me laughed! :D