I held out as long as I could; tried desperately to leave this whole unsuitable jobs malarkey at number 78 and be done with it. But, in the end, it appears that I just can't keep away...
It started when I saw an advert in the Guardian for a 'Midweight Web Designer', which immediately brought back warm and fuzzy memories of my time struggling to make the grade as a Heavyweight Creative back in 2006 (and my subsequent conversation with the, very helpful, Steve). It made me realise that the job market may have moved on in my absence and that my weight may no longer be such a barrier in securing gainful employment.
However, while I was thoroughly tempted to apply for a job better suited to my slightly more than svelte figure, I stumbled across an altogether more intriguing post being advertised on the very same site that appealed to me on an altogether different level.
Times, it seems, have indeed changed. Back when I was applying for jobs in 2006 and 2007, I was of the feeling that criminal employment was to be looked down upon (with the possible exception of being a pirate). Now, perhaps it is because of the global economic meltdown but it appears that less salubrious agencies have moved into the job market and, keen to move with the times, I must admit they piqued my interest...
Fraud Recruitment Services are looking for a Fraud Consultant, mentioning that "this is a rare opportunity to take the lead fraud consultant role in a vibrant technology company".
They were looking for someone with "extensive and relevant fraud expertise". I am not certain whether failing to mention that you have been given 15 pence too much change when at the till in Sainsburys qualifies as extensive and relevant fraud experience so - to be on the safe side - I listened to Scott Joplin's 'The Entertainer' and watched several episodes of Hustle.
Thus, armed with an up-tempo swing in my step and a desire to put my new found criminal knowledge to active use, I crafted an expert letter that would be certain to convince them that they had, indeed, found the man for their job:
I am writing with regard to the position of Fraud Consultant, as advertised on the Guardian Jobs website.
I have an extensive knowledge of fraud (whether it be bunko, flim flam or simple grifting) and am fully prepared to put this into service on behalf of your company. I believe that the current economic crisis marks a time when such services are needed more than ever.
I am fully versed in both traditional methodology - for example, the glim-dropper - and more modern electronic methods such as 419 and believe my creative talents could be put to good use in thinking of updates to old standards.
I own a pet Aardvark called Gerald.
The aardvark line was particularly clever (if I say so myself); after all, they say one of the most important things in executing a con is to ensure that you distract your mark - and I think Chris will be so distracted by that last line that he will totally fail to notice that my CV contains no fraud experience whatsoever...