I began the day in fine fettle, spirits buoyed by my recent return to my old unsuitable job hunting ways, and decided to dig out my employment seeking net and trawl the jobs section of the New York Times for something that thoroughly perked my interest...
And it wasn't long before I stumbled across the deeply attractive role of Pet Stylist; a job that offered the vague promise of securing a foot on a rung of the style guru ladder (some may argue as to the relative positioning of dressing dogs and dressing celebrities on said ladder) while, at the same time, representing an almost entirely unexplored fashion realm. Canine fashion, you see, is very much in its infancy and has, thus far, largely been limited to tartan fleeces and painfully unfashionable rainwear. And, please, don't even get me started on the abominable state of dog footwear.
And this, in the end, was the reason that I didn't apply to be a Pet Stylist today - I'm just not sure that the industry is yet ready for my ground-breaking ideas and my subtle combination of vintage, retro and bleeding-edge styling. I feel it is too much (at this moment in time) for me to take on the role of canine fashion revolutionary - I need, instead, to wait until the world is ready for me.
So, with a slightly heavy heart, I turned instead to a most curious vacancy being offered by the Robert Half company, who were looking for a Strong Accountant. Now I'm not much of an accountant but I figured that, since I'm pretty strong, if I spent the time between application and interview really working out, I could definitely nail the strong part (which would, hopefully, sway them towards the acceptance of my slightly less pronounced accountancy skills).
However, it seems that physical strength was not the only thing on their mind at Robert Half - oh no - as their job description clearly stated that they were looking for "a strong individual with nerves of steel."
Nerves of steel? And then it dawned on me. My God - they were looking for a cyborg! Robert Half wanted to find themselves a bionic accountant...
It all made sense. A bionic accountant would probably have all kinds of computational advantages over a normal human and be far stronger than a purely biological specimen. The odds, it appeared, were firmly stacked against me; but I wasn't about to give up on this vacancy over the little matter of being human:
I am writing with regard to the position of Strong Accountant, as advertised within the New York Times.
I believe that I am good condition and am willing to take any tests that you may wish to set in order to gauge this for yourself, although I sincerely hope the fact that I possess peripheral axons does not, in any way, stand against me in the my desire to succeed within this position.
I appreciate that I am likely to be up against some stern (some may even suggest unfair) competition for this vacancy but I hope that you are able to see the advantages gained in utilising an applicant who doesn't have a mechanical approach and who is still fully in touch with his humanity.
Well, all I can do now is wait. If I don't receive an invitation for an interview, I think we all know the real reason - and the hidden cyborg agenda that lies, flimsily diguised, behind it...