So, when I saw that the well-known footballing powerhouse that is Lesotho were looking for somebody to take over from their current, caretaker, manager I realised that this was surely my moment to seize the footballing glory that has been denied to me for so long.
I'll admit, I wasn't entirely sure where Lesotho was (apparently it's the world's southernmost landlocked country - being entirely surrounded by South Africa) but when I read that it was currently ranked as the 150th best team in the world (a smidgen below Bangladesh, a fraction above Sri Lanka) I realised that this was the job to ease me comfortably into the world of football management. From here, I could look to work my way up the ladder to a Spain or a Brazil...or, if worst came to worst, I could abandon all hope and go manage Wales...
Now, admittedly, Lesotho don't have the most impressive run of form in international competition. They've never qualified for the World Cup and they have a patchy history with regard to the African Nations Cup that seems to involve either not entering, not qualifying, withdrawing from the competition or being banned (for previously withdrawing from the competition). But surely that just sets the stage for a Rocky-like rise from obscurity? All they need is the right man in the job...
I decided to use the same flexibility with the truth that had so nearly seen me take the reins at the Chicago Cubs and rely upon my extensive football management experience (principally gained playing Championship Manager - although I also managed to pick up some useful tactical knowledge playing 'dice football' on the train to school):
I am writing in order to apply for the currently vacant position of Lesotho National Football Manager.
I am an English coach with extensive experience of success in the English football league (although I have also been involved in European competition) and believe that I have what it takes to bring Lesotho to the next level of footballing excellence. I have cultivated a very hands-on approach to the game from an early age, ever since my playing career was tragically cut short, and have focused instead on the tactical and strategic aspects of the game.
I believe that, with the right coaching and motivation, there is no reason that Lesotho could not be a major power in world football - and that I am the man to bring about that change.
I look forward to hearing from you shortly.
I am certain they will be impressed by my experience and pedigree. The only thing that concerns me a little is whether, in real football, you're allowed to save your progress before each game (and start again if you're playing rubbish). I think I may need to follow up on this with FIFA...