Sunday, April 26, 2015

Oliver's Eurovision 2015 Drinking Game

With just 27 short days to go until we put aside musical taste and all sense of decorum and plunge headlong into the world of musical madness otherwise known as the Eurovision Song Contest, I figured that it was about time that I updated the rules for 2015.

Now, last year's rules were pretty deadly thanks to the sheer quantity of moustaches, amateurish dancing, and pyrotechnics, but it would seem that some people still aren't satisfied with the extreme levels of alcohol consumption encouraged by these rules and, thus, I have raised the bar this year to ensure that no one makes it out of this alive sober. And so, without further ado, let me get on with things...

As with previous years, some of the rules are slightly UK-centric so, if you intend to play this in another country, just ignore rules 1 and 26 and knock back two shots before you get started for good measure. Or, watch it on BBC and pretend to be British for the night so you to can feel our pain.

Now, - as ever - I need to issue a word of warning; this game is based upon the consumption of strong alcohol. I cannot, therefore, be held responsible for your health (or lack of) if you stringently follow the rules of my game and drink yourself into oblivion. Play this game entirely at your own risk…


1. A shot glass for every person playing (probably best to have a couple of spares in case people get overexcited).

2. The national drink of Austria is Schnapps which, frankly is a little sickly for my liking but, hey, at least it's more readily available than some of the previous year's national drinks. I would suggest that you feel free to play hard and loose with the rules in this respect and pick something suitably alcoholic and to your tastes...

The rules are really very simple. You take a sip of your chosen spirit if:

1) Any time the British entry, Electro Velvet - who have been referred to as one of the worst British entries in a long time (which, based on our track record is quite impressive)  - are mentioned. 

2) Any time Australia is mentioned. Now, for those of you who might be wondering why on Earth anyone would mention Australia during a Eurovision contest, then you've obviously not being paying attention to the fact that Australia have been given a guest entry this year to celebrate the 60th anniversary of Eurovision.

3) The host(s) attempts to sing.

4) The host(s) pretends to be surprised at something that's going on in what is clearly a vaguely-rehearsed piece of improvisation.

5) The host(s) loses track of their autocue or mess up their timing.

6) The video shown before an act contains shots of people in traditional Austrian folk costume. Drink a shot if anyone is doing a traditional Austrian folk dance. If you're unsure of what a traditional Austrian folk dance looks like then check out an example here. If you're too lazy to follow that link; don't worry you really haven't missed much - it looks like an overly complicated game of Simon Says, or Morris Dancing on speed (and without the handkerchiefs).

7) You see Austria's national animal - which is, rather unimaginatively an Eagle. Drink three shots if it’s a person dressed in an Eagle costume.

8) You are not entirely sure whether the singer is man who looks like a woman, or a woman who looks like a man. 

9) The singer is barefoot.

10) A country is represented by a singer from somewhere else in the world. Drink an entire shot if a country is represented by what seems to be a random person (or persons) scooped up off the streets and then pushed out on stage.

11) The act involves people on stage banging large drums or objects acting as large drums.

12) An item of clothing is removed on stage. Drink an entire shot if it is removed by someone else.

13) The act is bald. Drink an entire shot if they are also female.

14) The act possesses a large moustache.

15) The act is dressed in leather. Drink an entire shot if they are dressed in leather and have a large moustache.

16) If you hear a language used other than that of the nation who is singing (for example, English words in a song by Ukraine). One sip per language. If in any doubt, just take a sip.

17) You recognise the song immediately as being a blatant rip off of a previous winner of Eurovision.

18) The song is an ode to world peace. Drink three shots immediately if there are any children on stage at any time during the song.

19) There are dancers on stage who, by their movements and lack of synchronism, appear to have perhaps had three dance lessons as a child and have never heard the song before tonight. 

20) People are pretending to play instruments on stage. Drink an entire shot if they take a pretend solo.

21) Every time there's some kind of pyrotechnic on stage.

22) Every time someone employs the use of a wind machine.

23) If the act attempts to distract attention from the paucity of quality in their offering by getting some kind of celebrity on stage with them (for reference, see Germany in 2009 who employed the services of Dita von Teese to no effect whatsoever)

24) Every time there is an awkward silence and/or miscommunication between the hosts and the people reading out the votes. Drink an entire shot if the votes get mixed up.

25) Every time one of the people reading out the results of a country’s voting attempts to secure their 15 seconds of fame by babbling on incoherently and generally delaying things and winding a few hundred million people up.

26) Every time it’s "Royaume-Uni? Nil point!". Drink a shot each time, at the end of a voting round, the UK is in last place.

27) Every time a country gives top marks to someone for geographic, political or ethnic reasons.

27) If Australia win, drink a shot.

28) If there is any alcohol left once the show is finished and you’re physically capable of coordinating the movement of alcohol from the bottle to your mouth...take a sip!

At some point in the next four weeks I'll try and fashion a printable version like I did the in the last three years. Oh and I would suggest that, in order to maximise the chances that your rules survive the night's entertainment, you may want to think about laminating them! Have fun and please don't blame for the pain and misery you will have to endure...not to mention the hangover the day after!!