Oliver Davies

January 18th - Stop SOPA day...

2012-01-16T08:13:00.004Z

January 18th is the day that the internet sends a message of opposition against SOPA and its lesser known brethren PIPA by blacking out websites in protest...

Inspired by Reddit, who confirmed last week that the site would 'go dark' on Wednesday to highlight the concerns and opposition to SOPA, a whole host of websites have now agreed to follow suit...

As well as a myriad of small sites, sites such as tucows, boing boing and the cheezburger network are joining in and - whisper it - but even Minecraft is going dark for a day in protest.

And, with the day drawing nearer, more and more companies are choosing to join the black out to voice their opposition to the bill - with speculation mounting that wikipedia could soon join...

Now we just need the likes of Google and Facebook to back up their vocal opposition to the bill with a move that would make everyone notice...

If you want to blackout your website for the day - checkout sopablackout.org for more details.

CES 2012 - The world just got cooler...

2012-01-15T16:30:00.000Z

The 45th Annual Consumer Electronic Show (CES) has just wound down after a hectic three days, in which hundreds of electronic manufacturers descended on Las Vegas and did their level best to hawk their upcoming wares - giving us the latest in everything from tablet PCs to Smart Fridges, from 3D televisions to therapeutic robot seals (honestly).

But, in amidst this cornucopia of electronic gizmos, this sea of gadgets, what really stood out this year?

1. Makerbot Replicator

Image courtesy of Makerbot Industries

An open source, 3D printer with two colour printing that's small enough to sit on your desktop and cheap enough (starting from $1749) that it brings 3D printing into the budget of the reasonably wealthy (as opposed to the startlingly wealthy), this had me pretty excited. For more of what the Makerbot Replicator can do, check out the video below:

2. OnLive Desktop

OnLive made waves a couple of years back when it announced a cloud-based gaming system that was intended to go head-to-head with the powers that be in the gaming industry and, while they build their market in games, they've announced a (somewhat surprising) plan to also bring cloud-based services to the workplace - OnLive Desktop. OnLive Desktop streams Microsoft Office Suite to your iPad and, with the all the processing work done on the cloud, you don't have to worry about the processing getting too intensive. Check out their (rather cheesy) advert below:

3. LG 55 inch OLED 3D TV

Image courtesy LG

No CES would be complete without some monstrous TV promising absurd resolutions, and LG made sure people weren't disappointed with their 55 inch organic light-emitting diode (OLED) 3D TV that offers not only a big screen, a near infinite contrast claim (a billion to 1), built-in wifi and passive 3D but also comes in at a super svelte 4mm thickness. That's right - about the same as 3 credit cards back to back. Big TVs don't come much cooler than this. Well, until CES 2013, that is...

4. Samsung Smart Window

Image courtesy of 20th Century Fox

Who among us, at some time or another, can say they have not hankered to be Tom Cruise? I am, of course, referring to his use of some uber-cool smartscreen technology in the (somewhat mediocre) Minority Report. Well, rejoice Tom Cruise wannabes - for your time, thanks to Samsung, is well and truly at hand. The Samsung Smart Window is exactly what it sounds like - a one way transparent display that allows you to use your window like a touch-screen. Check out Mobile Nations video review below:

5. Benchtop Ion Proton Sequencer

Image courtesy PR Newswire

Maybe it's just that this appeals to the Mad Scientist in me, but how cool is a benchtop Ion Proton Sequencer, capable of decoding the sequence of a human genome in under a day for only $1000? Pretty damn cool, if you ask me. And at an asking price of only $149,000 it brings the mapping of human genomes into the reach of ordinary doctors. Up until now, such devices retailed upwards of $500,000, took weeks to deliver a result and and cost $10,000 per sequence. 2012, the year DNA sequencing went mainstream...

Will this be the ISS Replacement?

2012-01-13T22:22:00.000Z

Painting by Don Davis, courtesy of NASA

It might look like something from the Golden Age of Science Fiction, but the above painting shows a representation of a Stanford Torus Space Station. And, if a recent interview with the Ukrainian Prime Minister, Mykola Azarov is anything to go by, it may well be that NASA is working hard to transform the Stanford Torus from Science Fiction to Science Fact...

The Stanford Torus was first proposed in a NASA Summer Study in 1975, held at Stanford University, in which possible designs for future space colonies were discussed. The science behind it is relatively simple; the torus rotates at a speed which generates artificial gravity, close to that of Earth's, on the inside of the outer ring by means of centrifugal force. In 1975, they discussed the possibility of a 1.8km diameter ring, rotating once per minute, that would be capable of supporting 10,000 residents.

In a recent interview, Azarov stated "I will tell you a story: I just got back from a plant in Dnipropetrovsk. Only 20 years ago, it was a highly classified facility that produced missiles and satellites for the Soviet Union. Today, I saw with my own eyes: it is producing the first stage of parts for the US-designed Stanford Torus space station in collaboration with scientists from the United States."

If you're wondering what a Stanford Torus would look like from the inside, well Don Davis has done us the favour of envisioning that as well:

Painting by Don Davis, image courtesy of NASA

While this is likely to only be the early stages of a prototype, I'm excited to think that this type of forward thinking is going ahead and that NASA is conducting research into the practicalities of this technology....

Big Bang Fizzling Out...

2012-01-12T22:44:00.000Z

Photo: Sonja Flemming/CBS

First of all, I have to admit up front that I am a relatively recent convert to The Big Bang Theory; it was only a few weeks before Christmas that I finally worked up the motivation to check out the first season and I enjoyed it so much that I quickly grabbed the four season box set and began devouring episodes at a rate of knots...

However, now that I'm up-to-date and catching up on the fifth season, I have to say I am deeply disappointed with the changes that have been wrought upon the show. The Big Bang Theory that I had developed such fondness for told the story of a bunch of guys whose service to science, and love of all things geek chic, means they had the collective social skills of a mouse mat and more raging hormones than a US cattle farm; four guys who lives are disrupted (and enriched) by the arrival of a hot, blonde neighbour who lacks their intellect but also lacks their social awkwardness and outweighs them all combined in the area of common sense.

We spent time in their work environments, were involved in the various scientific projects they worked on and the many machinations they set in play in order to achieve success with the ladies (with the obvious exception of Sheldon, for whom such matters were far too trivial). And, throughout, the show was littered with all manner of SF, comic, fantasy and gaming references (not to mention more than a few snippets of scientific theory). It was fun, it was bright, it was a breath of fresh air in comparison to the majority of turgid sitcoms out there...

Fast forward to Season 5 and it's hard to believe that this is the same show. Leonard is in a long-distance relationship; Howard, the (wannabe) suave player with a penchant for foot-in-mouth disease, is in a serious relationship, Raj has seen more girls in the first four episodes than he did in the first four seasons and even Sheldon - the theoretical physicist who considers himself the first homo novus - has a friend, who is a girl but not a girlfriend (although in episode 3 of the new season we see him displaying very out-of-character jealousy).

Change I can deal with, but it seems like the heart of the show has been ripped out; I'm five episodes in and we've had no scenes in the University (aside from a few discussions in the canteen), there's been very little mention of science and even the various references seem to be far less numerous and designed to appeal to a lower common denominator. Instead of a fresh take on modern sitcom, The Big Bang Theory has descended into the same mire as so many other shows - focusing more on relationships than relativity - and thus mining material that has been seen a hundred times before.

In watching all of the episodes with such delirious rapidity, the decline is all the more noticeable and perhaps nowhere more so than Sheldon who has devolved from a beautiful mind, whose hubris was predicated on years of being way too smart for those around him and who was seemingly unable to comprehend even the simplest social interactions, to some kind of petulant brat who gets jealous when he doesn't get enough attention from his visiting mother...

It feels like the show is trying to temper its sharp edge, bring down the barriers-to-entry created by genre specific references and appeal to a wider audience. But, in doing so, it's losing what gained it its audience in the first place. I'm hoping it can improve, that it can be turned around and restored to its former glories...but I'm not sure how many more tepid episodes I can watch before, like interstellar matter being sucked into the gravity well of a black hole, all the enthusiasm for the show is drained from me...

E-Flotsam from Google...

2012-01-11T16:23:00.000Z

Image Courtesy of Scott Cresswell

I have to admit, I'm often bemused by the curious ways in which people find themselves, like flotsam and jetsam, washed up upon the shores of this blog.

I first noticed it the other day, when I was looking at the visitor statistics of the site on statcounter, and saw that I was the number one ranked search result for the phrase 'head of culture job' on Google (which relates to one of my earliest Unsuitable Job applications). A quick scan through my visitor's paths saw that, due to the rather varied nature of the various Unsuitable Jobs I have applied for over the years, you can find me at the head of the Google results in a whole host of areas...

Some of the top-ranked favourites that have sent people my way in recent days are 'Antelope Keeper' (due to Unsuitable Job 14), 'Experienced Sock Designer' (Unsuitable Job 37), 'Rules of bodyguards' (Unsuitable Job 43) and 'Resident Sex Therapist' (Unsuitable Job 76).

I am not quite sure what those people made of the blog when they got here - I find it hard to believe that they got precisely what they were originally looking for - but it's still nice to see such random visitations and I hope, at the very least, it gave them cause for a brief amount of smirkage...

Apocalypse (anytime) Now...

2012-01-10T19:01:00.000Z

Image Courtesy of NASA

As you may have heard, the world is going to end in 2012. To be more specific, the world is going to end on December the 21st, 2012. Which works out quite well for me as its only two days after my birthday (there's a good chance I'll still have a hangover) and four days before Christmas (so I don't need to bother splurging on gifts for the family this year).

However, it appears that things are working out even better for Vivos - The Underground Shelter Network for Long-Term Survival of Future Catastrophes - who are flogging floor space in their fortified bunkers to the ~~gullible~~ chosen few, for up to $50,000 per person...

Their homepage states that

"People around the world are sensing that a global life-changing event is just ahead. Vivos is the life assurance solution for you and your family to survive the next devastating catastrophe that either nature or mankind may create. Ask yourself, which side of the door do you want to be on?"

And, in order to be helpful, their website is happy to cater to a whole range of potentially catastrophic scenarios, from Nuclear War to Global Tsunamis, from Solar Flares to Super Volcanoes. But, while Vivos seem quite happy to wax lyrically about a whole range of disastrous scenarios, they're clear favourite is to play on the various concerns people have about 2012. They've even, handily, included a countdown timer so you know exactly how long you've got until your end is truly nigh...

So, what does all your money actually get you? Well, $100,000 gets four people a 120sq foot bedroom suite in a fortified shelter with all the amenities demanded by the apocalypse, including decontamination units, armoured vehicle storage and a (clearly essential) fully stocked wine cellar. Check out the video below for the full sales pitch:

I am sure that, after seeing that, you are likely convinced that you should be getting in touch with Vivos immediately - especially since that old Mesoamerican Long Count clock is ticking...

But, before you go putting your hard earned money down, consider this - the Mayan prophecies made reference to the descent of Gods from heaven and I think we all know this means only one thing. That's right - aliens. And aliens, my friend, it appears are not something that Vivos have taken time to reflect upon.

I, therefore, took it upon myself to contact them in order to find out if their shelters were going to be of any help when the alien invasion occurs:

Hi

I am very interested in your shelter and was very impressed by the listed specifications, as well as the comprehensive scenario information you have on your website.

However, for those of us who believe that the Mayan Prophecies are linked to the return of an ancient Alien race, do you believe that the Vivos shelters are capable of resisting an invasion of this type? Particularly, are the shelters well disguised to ensure they cannot be located easily from the air?

Thank you in advance for answering my queries.

Regards

Oliver.

Their reply was swift, although somewhat ambiguous:

Oliver,

Without knowing what alien technologies exist, it is impossible to say that a Vivos, or even a government bunker won’t be detected, but we can assure you that they are very stealthy.

Support Center
The Vivos Group

Still, at least they didn't dismiss me as some crackpot. Which, I suppose is not surprising when you run a company dedicated to extracting tens of thousands from people who believe global catastrophe, due to anything from a shift of the magnetic poles to collision with Planet X, is just around the corner. But, in summing up, you should perhaps remember the Vivos slogan:

"Ask yourself, which side of the door do you want to be on?"

And, in a contest between the apocalypse and being locked in an air-tight bunker with a thousand paranoid lunatics, I'm thinking I'll take my chances on the apocalypse's side of the door please...

3 Cool Space Missions for 2012

2012-01-09T21:36:00.000Z

Image courtesy of NASA

I can trace my abiding fascination with Outer Space all the way back to a large book on the Universe, which sat on the bottom shelf of our bookcase at home. The book and I were inseparable in my formative years and I would sit on the living room floor and pore over it for (quite literally) hours at a time. While other five year olds in my primary school class were doodling what they did on holiday, I was more interested in mapping out the Solar System in as much detail as I could muster. Yes, even as a five year old, I was a little strange.

Therefore, despite the fact that 2011 saw the demise of the Space Shuttle programme, I am pretty excited about the wide variety of space missions that are planned for the forthcoming year so figured that I would run through some of the coolest extraterrestrial happenings of 2012.

Image courtesy of Space Exploration Technologies Corp

1. Dragon rendezvous with the ISS
With the Space Shuttle programme officially mothballed, it means there is going to be a need for someone else to help with the transportation of supplies and crew to the International Space Station. Step forward, Space Exploration Technologies (or Space X) whose Dragon spacecraft was the first commercial launch to be placed in, and recovered from, orbit last year. In February, strapped atop the Falcon 9 rocket, the Dragon will blast off from Cape Canaveral and attempt to rendezvous with the ISS, where it will deliver food, clothing and supplies. It may not seem that big a deal, but it's important to remember that only the US, Russia, China, Japan, India and the European Space Agency have ever accomplished what Space X has done. It marks an important moment - we witness the beginning of the era of commercial spaceflight... [source]

Image courtesy of NASA/JPL-Caltech

2. Curiosity Rover arrives on Mars
Three rovers have successfully explored areas of Mars, but Curiosity is a far bigger deal - quite literally, as it is five times larger than any previous rover and is approximately the same size as a Mini Cooper. Curiosity is stuffed with scientific equipment that ranges from cameras to x-ray spectrometers and is scheduled to explore a wide swathe of Mars for an entire Martian year (or 687 of your Earthling days). Of course, all of that hangs on Curiosity actually reaching Mars intact as the landing system is one of the most advanced (or ridiculously overcomplicated, dependent upon your viewpoint) NASA has ever attempted, as illustrated in the video below:

All being well though, Curiosity should be capable of delivering us a wealth of new information on the Red Planet... [source]

Artists rendition of LightSail-1 by Rick Sternbach. Credit: Planetary Society

3. LightSail-1 Launches
Developed by the Planetary Society, a non-profit organisation founded by Carl Sagan, Bruce Murray and Louis Friendman that promotes space exploration, LightSail-1 is an attempt to prove the validity of Solar Sail technology. The theory is that the impact of photons from the Sun on the Sail will serve to propel LightSail-1 away from the Earth at a continuous accelerating rate; proving the technology works could be the first step towards using Solar Sail technology to make travel for probes within our Solar System both cheaper and faster. I have mixed feelings about the LightSail project; on the one hand it is disappointing that this technology is not being trialled by a government with real resources to throw at it, on the other it is simply remarkable that we are living in a day and age where non-profit organisations - through donations - can design, build and oversee the launch of space missions... [source]

And that's not all that's happening in Space in 2012, some other highlights include NASA's GRAIL probes entering the Moon's orbit to begin a three month mission to use gravity field mapping to chart the Moon's interior structure and China making its first attempt at manning the Tiangong 1 module that is serving as a testbed for a larger, module-based spacestation. Plus, more than 10.5 billion miles away in the dim reaches of the Solar System, Voyager 1 continues to plough its lonely interstellar furrow in a year that may possibly see it become the first man-made object to reach interstellar space...

SOPA (is) for Dummies

2012-01-07T11:26:00.007Z

Unless you've been hiding under the internet equivalent of a rock recently, you've likely heard mention of the Stop Online Piracy Act (or SOPA) which is currently working its way through the House of Representatives in the US.

With highly vocal support (and almost $100 million in official lobbying efforts) from the Motion Picture Association of America, the Recording Industry Association of America and the US Chamber of Commerce, SOPA also has the support of more than 400 organisations as it seeks to block 'rogue websites' who, according to the US Chamber of Commerce "steal America's innovative and creative products attract more than 53 billion visits a year and threaten more than 19 million American jobs".

The trouble is, SOPA isn't so much a sledgehammer to crack a nut as it is a high-yield thermonuclear warhead...

There are numerous reasons why SOPA is bad news for the internet, especially for people living in the US; from the potential invasions of privacy (for example, ISPs may be required to use deep packet inspection on web users to prevent access to specific sections of websites), to problems of security (that has seen the head of the Homeland Security subcommittee on cyber security state SOPA will undercut cyber security measures), to the simple fact that, if passed, SOPA will act to cripple the nature of the internet.

But I really wanted to take a moment to puncture one of the key arguments that supporters of SOPA rely upon - namely the massive losses that are incurred by the various entertainment companies by activities such as file-sharing and streaming.

Despite apocalyptic claims, the fact is that US movie revenues in 2012 - even allowing for the state of decline in the world economy - were the third highest of all-time and over $10 billion for the third year in a row:

Supporters of SOPA like to argue that every person who downloads or streams a film or TV show or album are people who would, otherwise, have gone out and bought a legitimate copy of that film, TV show or album - and they calculate their vast billions of dollars in losses from this poorly thought out logic. The truth is, people frequently download media that they would not have paid to consume - only the tiniest fraction of those people downloading or streaming media are really potential customers being lost.

On top of that, quite aside from the way in which the supporters are spinning the statistics, it seems that no one in the MPAA or the RIAA want to discuss the way in which file-sharing and streaming can actually boost their profits.

By sampling media in this fashion, people are able to make decisions about the products they wish to purchase. I was recently informed that I had been seriously missing out by not having watched Big Bang Theory and, so, decided to check out the first season by streaming it; I liked it so much that I went out and bought the first four seasons boxset. Now Warner Brothers would argue illegal streaming of the first season has lost them £4.99 - but, in actual fact, it persuaded me to spend £28.97.

It just strikes me that the MPAA and the RIAA are trying to live in a world that hasn't moved on, a world where frequent consumption of digital media isn't the norm and where people are only interested in physical copies of their media. The world has changed and the entertainment companies - instead of trying to shackle the internet to preserve their established business models - should be trying to move with it.

For example, I can't believe that it is not possible in this day and age for us to be able to watch TV shows, officially streamed with adverts, from entertainment company websites. I know that if this service was available, I would be using it all the time. The way to 'kill' rogue websites isn't to detonate a nuclear warhead on the people who the entertainment industry depends upon for its revenues, instead it is to adapt and evolve and provide us with better alternatives that suit the way we want to consume media. Anything else is simply doomed to fail.

2012 - A New Start

2012-01-06T15:05:00.005Z

I am willing to throw my hands up and admit it - I have been a very bad blogger.

After failing to provide any kind of update throughout the entirety of 2011 (not even a revision to my, seemingly popular, Eurovision Drinking Game), I have decided that 2012 should be rather different.

For starters, while I'm not entirely abandoning the 100 Unsuitable Jobs quest (which is currently sitting at Job No. 95 - Supervisor, Children's Zoo), I have decided that it might be good to also blog about some of the other things I'm interested in during the (long) fallow periods between finding worthwhile jobs to apply for. Consequently, I've ditched the 100 Unsuitable Jobs moniker for the blog and replaced it (slightly narcissistically) with Oliver Davies instead.

Which means I now have absolutely no excuse not to use this as a place to ramble on about the myriad things that interest and intrigue me - from astrophysics to music, from politics to comedy (a fine line, perhaps), from technology to literature - with sporadic updates on the progress of my novel and (when the mood takes me) an unsuitable job or two.

So, expect things to be altogether more interesting around here from this point on...

Job No. 95 - Supervisor, Children's Zoo

2010-10-20T18:37:00.003+01:00

Today, fresh from my application to be a Digital Sun Tzu Strategist - and still pulsing with the art of war - I was, momentarily, tempted by Kareo who were advertising for a Web Development Ninja...

The idea of dressing from head-to-toe in black, of creeping stealthily through the workplace armed only with my wits (oh, and a shedload of throwing stars and a set of double sai) and dealing sudden, painless death to all who dealt in bad css design was not, I figured, altogether a bad one. However, my dreams of ninjadom were struck a mortal blow upon reading the job description; for it seemed that neither stealth nor slaughter were in any way on the agenda. Thus, cursing the inadequacy of some job titles I instead turned my attention to something altogether more interesting - Supervisor of a Children's Zoo.

The concept of a Children's Zoo is, I'm sure you'll agree, a sterling one.

Houston Zoo are to be commended for their forward-looking vision in this regard. After all, in this modern day and age - when there is a worldwide rise in infertility and the current economic crisis is seeing many couples putting off both marriage and having children - it is surely a distinct boon that, at least, couples will be able to visit a zoo and see children in their semi-natural habitat...

I was a little concerned that the job advertisement consistently referred to the children as 'animals' but I am sure this is simply affectionate terminology along the lines of 'let's see how those little animals have got on with their dinner, shall we?' In this light, it is quite understandable and such nicknames only goes to show the, obviously, close bond that exists between staff and children/animals at Houston Zoo.

Of course, I was very curious to find out at what age the children were no longer regarded as such (at a guess, 16?) and what policies Houston Zoo had in this respect; after all, what did they do with the 'animals' when they no longer conformed to the age restrictions of the zoo?

Filled equally with curiosity and all manner of ideas for this pioneering institution, I quickly fired off an application letter:

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing in order to apply for the position of 'Supervisor - Children's Zoo', as advertised on the Association of Zoos and Aquariums website.

I have many years of supervisory experience, albeit in a slightly different field, and feel that my skills and expertise would translate well into your field.

I have a good many ideas about how to improve the standard of the experience for both visitors and the 'animals'. For example, I think visitors would love to see age-themed exhibits so that they can experience the different stages of development; while the youngest ages would likely offer only minimal entertainment, the older the 'animals' become, the more interesting they will be.

Equally, I think it's important to keep abreast of modern technology; integrating modern game consoles into the enclosures could allow for children to enjoy the experience far more and, I'm sure you'll agree, the happiness of the children/animals should be paramount.

Finally, I was curious as to what age limits you impose on the children? At what point do you feel that a child is too old for the children's zoo and needs to migrate to a venue designed for adults? After all, I can only imagine the heartache involved when it comes times to tell a child that they no longer match the zoo's age criteria.

I trust you will give my application serious consideration and look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Regards

Oliver Davies.

I am certain that my extensive management skills will be looked upon favourably and, in the not-too-distant future I could be supervising an entire zoo filled with little darlings...

A vague update...

2010-10-19T13:25:00.007+01:00

While my workload has, undoubtedly, contributed to the relative sloth I have displayed in updating the blog (and generally unsuitably applying for jobs), I like to think that there is something more to it than that. To which, one might be tempted to cry 'laziness!' but I am certain that it points to a deeper, more philosophical question - a question which has been pondered by all manner of brilliant minds for millennia but which can, perhaps, best be summed up in the words of that well-known philosopher William Bruce Rose (aka Axl Rose) when he said "where do we go now?"

You see, I set out intending to apply for 100 Unsuitable Jobs and now, seemingly centuries later, I have almost scaled that lofty pinnacle. 94 out of the 100 unsuitable jobs have been filled and I'm left to consider exactly what I will do with the blog afterwards...

I could, for example, leave it untouched as a tribute to 100 Unsuitable Jobs and be done with it - but this seems unlikely, since I enjoy writing too much. Another option would be to come up with 100 unsuitable something elses to do - and thus expand upon the original purpose of the blog and take it in a new direction. Yet another possibility is to keep going with the unsuitable job applications, to say to myself 'why stop at 100? Why not 200? 500?'

But the thing is, the closer I edge to the magical number 100, the more I realise that I am going to have to make a decision of some kind (rather than just pushing it to back of my mind and refusing to think about it) and thus, by slowing the pace, I am perhaps subconsciously postponing that day. Or maybe I'm just lazy. Hmm.

Truth is, I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. But I have a feeling that it will be difficult to resist the urge to blog on in some fashion or other...

Job No 94. - Digital Sun Tzu Strategist

2010-10-17T10:24:00.005+01:00

After spending a, not inconsiderable, amount of time away from my pursuit of 100 Unsuitable Jobs, I was lured back into the fray at the thought of applying to be a Senior Enterprise Security Architect - after all, who wouldn't want to work for the United Federation of Planets, exploring strange new worlds and boldly going where no man has gone before, etc.?

However, it then occurred to me that, amid the high wages and impressive job title, there just had to be some kind of catch. And, sure enough, there was. You see, as I mentally drew up my application letter, it dawned upon me that 'Senior Enterprise Security Architect' is just a fancy way of dressing up the title of 'Security Officer' and, as any self respecting Star Trek fan will tell you, the role of Security Officer automatically reduces one's average lifespan by about forty years...

Thus, suitably determined not to be eviscerated, frozen, eaten, immolated, crushed, molecularly disrupted, strangled, suffocated, decompressed, poisoned, rapidly aged, vaporised, crystallised or merely having my component atoms scattered across subspace in a bizarre transporter accident, I decided to instead turn my attention to the altogether less dangerous profession of Digital Sun Tzu Strategist.

Now, at this point, you may well be asking yourself what exactly a Digital Sun Tzu Strategist is and what a Digital Sun Tzu Strategist does but, the truth is, the job advertisement is very vague in this respect (merely referring to online media research and healthcare). However, I believe this is a tactic merely to dissuade those who are not suited to the role. After all, was it not Sun Tzu himself who said:

"Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent's fate."

Yes, this was obviously a strategy to deter the uninitiated from applying for a position for which they possessed neither the tactical awareness nor the iron-fisted leadership skills that are necessary. I decided that only a finely crafted application letter that subtly highlighted my in-depth knowledge of both Sun Tzu and his seminal Art of War would be enough to impress them...

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing to apply for the position of Digital Sun Tzu Strategist, as advertised on The Guardian website. I believe that I possess the full set of skills, and pertinent knowledge, required for this role.

You ask that candidates possesses an entrepreneurial spirit and I indeed possess this for unhappy is the fate of one who tries to win his battles and succeed in his attacks without cultivating the spirit of enterprise.

You ask for good communication and negotiating skills and I too value these, for the difficulty of tactical maneuvering consists in turning the devious into the direct, and misfortune into gain.

Equally I, like your organisation, pride myself on a team-player philosophy and ensure that I retain staff confidence and morale through developing strong relationships; it can be seen that if you regard your soldiers as your children, they will follow you into the deepest valleys; look upon them as your own beloved sons, and they will stand by you even unto death.

I trust you will give my application serious consideration and, may I end this application letter with one, final, point - can you imagine what I would do if I could do all I can?

I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Regards

Oliver Davies.

Now, since I did such a sterling job of blending in the teachings of Sun Tzu with my own thoughts, I decided that I should really highlight his contribution to my application letter. I cannot see how this approach can fail to have the desired result and am certain that, before too long, I will be demonstrating 'supreme art of war' in an online healthcare medium near you...

Job No. 93 - Rock Star Executive Assistant

2010-06-06T11:06:00.003+01:00

Being a Liverpool fan, I was very tempted to make an application for the currently vacant manager position. However, what with Liverpool having failed to get into the Champions League, the two American owners apparently trying to milk the club for all its worth, little sign of a transfer budget and numerous players sounding like they might fancy a move away from Anfield, I decided that the climate probably wasn't right for my first move into Premiership management. Also, because I'm not entirely convinced that Hicks and Gillett wouldn't hire me, simply to save money...

So, with my football management career on hold, I turned instead to the pages of Monster.com and found a particularly intriguing vacancy awaited me there - Rock Star Executive Assistant.

This appealed to me because, contrary to my initial expectations, it is not a job in which you are an executive assistant to a Rock Star. After all, while being an assistant to a Rock Star might have been vaguely fun, how could it ever compare to being assistant to Stephen Hawking?

So, I was very pleased to find out that they were looking for an executive assistant who was a rock star. This, I thought, was a superb opportunity - I don't need to do a whole lot about my general appearance (long hair, check; dark glasses; check; black shirts; check) and just need to work on my rock star behaviour to impress them.

The job description mentioned that this was not a position for "the faint of heart - it requires determination, long hours..."

Delving into the excesses of rock's yesteryears, it quickly became apparent that a career as a Rock Star certainly wasn't for the faint of heart - and that long hours of partying, while binging on a cocktail of alcohol and drugs (ably supported by an endless supply of groupies), was very much the order of the day. During my research I stumbled across a number of examples of Rock Star behaviour that I was sure would set me in good stead with my potential employers; from driving cars into swimming pools to throwing TV's out of the window of hotels, from setting fire to guitars to biting the head off bats. It seemed that the best way to impress them would be with my ability to show utter dedication to the rock star lifestyle...

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing in order to apply for the position of Rock Star Executive Assistant, as advertised on Monster.com.

I believe that I would be an ideal fit for your organisation; I have no problems with either drugs or alcohol and am enthused about the opportunity to work long hours in this type of environment.

I possess a full, clean driving license and am adept at parking in even the most difficult situations; am in good physical condition (and thus capable of lifting heavy objects, such as - for example - television sets) and, additionally, am not particularly fussy with regard to any form of mammalian snacks.

I look forward to hearing from you shortly and becoming a Rock Star on your team.

Regards

Oliver Davies.

I have a good feeling about this one. I'm now going to nip out and stock up on razors, straws and animal tranquillisers so I'm fully prepared when they call me in for the interview...

Eurovision 2010 - The Morning After...

2010-05-30T11:07:00.004+01:00

In comparison to last year, Eurovision 2010 started quite slowly...

After all, the fact that the hosts didn't try and sing and generally did their best to minimise the 'fake improvisation', meant that rules 2, 3 and 4 were only rarely touched upon. Throw in the fact that hardly anyone in the room mentioned Terry Wogan and the, frankly conspicuous, absence of Pete Waterman being mentioned and I was concerned the drinking may not be able to fully get going...

My theory, by the way, on Pete Waterman is that he realised what a turgid, mid-1980s song - perhaps taken from a selection turned down by Rick Astley in his heyday for being too cheesy - he had delivered and, like a used car trader selling you an utter lemon, decided to leg it before anyone else realised what they had taken delivery of...

However, with a range of songs that borrowed from previous entries, a selection of moustaches and leather clothing (not to mention Serbia's entry which clearly fell foul of rule 8), my early concerns were soon replaced by a realisation that if the judging was as ethnically, geographically and/or politically biased as last year (thus tripping the dreaded rule 20) then I may have to drink even more alcohol than I had imagined...

And then, it happened.

The judging. And suddenly, all my concerns about rule 20, paled into insignificance as the sleeping threat of rule 19 revealed itself. No one was voting for the UK. No one. Round after round of juries voted and not one of the buggers gave even a single point to Josh (who I actually felt quite sorry for - he ended up being given a turkey of a song and his backing had the production value of a primary school nativity play). Cue a chorus of "Royaume-Uni? Nil point!" - cue another sip of vodka (aquavit all long gone by this stage). Cue an impossible to catch slide into drunken oblivion...

Definitely some rules changes coming for next year's inevitable revision (you'll just have to wait and see). Hope everyone who played enjoyed themselves and I sincerely apologise for the current pain you may be experiencing...

Job No. 92 - Operational Officer

2010-05-29T10:07:00.004+01:00

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Operational Officer? Really? Operational Officer??

After all, Operational Officer sounds like a rather dull job that would involve considerable stapling and possibly the use of spreadsheets - it's surely a job nowhere near as exciting as, for example, being a part-time Antelope Keeper, a Sock Designer or a Psychic Medium...

But you'd be wrong. Oh so very wrong. So wrong, that if you went any further, you'd be right (see my earlier circular theories).

You see, Operational Officer is actually the politically correct, dressed up for the 21st Century, term for a James Bond. Yes, that's right...today I have applied to be a member of that sterling British establishment, MI6.

Back in Bond's heyday, a military career was an obvious requirement for such a job but times have clearly changed. Now you don't need to be able to shoot a perfect 600 in the 25 metre rapid-fire-pistol range - instead you just need a 2.2 degree and strong awareness of global politics. Which, on one hand, is rather disappointing but - on the other - suddenly opens the door to people like me (who only score 592 on a good day...).

Now, having watched plenty of Bond films (and even worked on a James Bond videogame) I felt that I knew what MI6 would be really looking for - someone with the ability to play world class poker, the desire and skill to drive fast cars to the very limit, their own pair of speedos and an irresistibly magnetic effect on women (particularly of the Eastern European persuasion).

So...just my poker skills to work on then...

The website was pretty clear that I shouldn't talk to anyone about the fact that I was applying but I figured that they wouldn't have a problem with me blogging about it - after all, this is a typical spy ruse. Here I am blogging about applying to MI6 - who, therefore, would ever believe that they would hire me? Ha - and thus I am able to hide in plain sight! I'm sure they'll be impressed by my reasoning...

But, before I could go out and order my Tom Ford suit and Omega watch, I needed to craft an application letter that would have MI6 scrabbling to hire me before I was snapped up by a less reputable agency such as the CIA...

Dear Sir/Madam

For Your Eyes Only

I am writing in order to apply for the position of Operational Officer, as advertised in both the Guardian and on your website.

I possess an MA and a strong awareness of Global Politics. Above and beyond that, I have a good knowledge of a wide variety of card games, possess a full clean UK driving license, own several pairs of swimming trunks and have a basic grounding in the essentials of a variety of Eastern European languages (certainly, enough to allow for meaningful interaction with foreign operatives).

I look forward to hearing from you soon...

Regards

Oliver Davies.

Based upon that, I am fairly confident that MI6 will waste little time in calling me in for a more detailed assessment and, before you know it, I'll be slapped on a plane to an isolated tropical island where an ex-Soviet General, now transvestite Voodoo priestess, is camping it up in an underground layer, guarded by giant piranhas (equipped with lasers)...

Job No. 91 - Bad Debt Collector

2010-05-26T20:15:00.004+01:00

I have a theory relating to films, a theory that first coalesced around about the time that I first watched Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. The theory holds that the relationship between a good film and a bad film is entirely circular; which is to say that a film can be so bad that it comes all the way back round to being good.

Pah, you say (or some similar utterance), I've had that theory for years! But wait, there's more...

You see, because the relationship is circular it means that, if you watch a film that is truly, deeply, utterly, mind-numbingly and soul-destroyingly bad (please, watch Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus in its entirety so you truly understand) then not only does it come all the way round to being good but it keeps going - until it has come all the way back round to being bad again.

Now, you may be asking yourself why, I am making reference to this fascinating cinematic theory (which, even now people are likely scribbling down and trying to turn into a PhD). Well, the answer is simple - the circular theory, as I realised today, can also be applied to the relationship between suitable and unsuitable jobs.

Which is why, tempting as it may be, I cannot apply for the position of Gay Travel Guru, as advertised on gaytravel.com...

So, instead, I have today turned my attentions to a job which, initially, I thought would be a cinch for me since it required that I be completely inept - Bad Debt Collector in La Porte, Indiana. After all, it's not often that you find a job in which they are actively looking for people who are bad at their job (with the possible exception of politics, in which it appears to be a prerequisite) so I was quick to begin crafting my application letter.

Until a worrying thought crept into my head. What if they didn't want a bad debt collector but, instead, wanted a bad debt collector? A quick visit to an online dictionary and I was left in a quandary - were they looking for someone who would fail to achieve an adequate standard in their debt collection, or someone who would carry out their duties in an evil and sinful manner?

Choices, choices.

So, I decided to play it safe and, after a quick watch of Pulp Fiction, crafted a letter that would hint at my ability to seamlessly adapt to either interpretation:

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing with reference to the position of Bad Debt Collector, as advertised on Monster.com

While I am not formally trained in the noble art of debt collection I have the sense (from your job advertisement) that this may not necessarily be a negative and, indeed, could be a positive. I feel that I could attain the very nadir of your expectations and fulfil the demands of the role.

I appreciate that the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men and, thus, I feel that the position of Bad Debt Collector would be a perfect opportunity to strike down, with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.

I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Regards

Oliver.

Now, I just have to sit back and wait. I have a feeling this could be the one; unless, that is, they want me to lay my vengeance upon them...

Oliver's Eurovision Drinking Game 2010

2010-05-23T11:32:00.008+01:00

Well, it's that time of year again and, after the sterling success of my Eurovision drinking game last year (and the vague hangover that followed), I decided that I should really follow up with a revised version of the game which can be played while watching the BBC coverage of the 2010 Eurovision Song Contest. As before, some of the rules are slightly UK-centric so, if you intend to play this in another country, just ignore rules 1, 5 and 19 and knock back three shots before you get started.

Now, a word of warning; this game is based upon the consumption of strong alcohol. I cannot, therefore, be held responsible for your health (or lack of) if you stringently follow the rules of my game and drink yourself into oblivion. Play this game at your own risk…

Requirements

1. A shot glass for every person playing (probably best to have a couple of spares in case people get excited).

2. For true authenticity you need several bottles of Akevitt or Aquavit (a favoured Norwegian spirit made from potatoes and carraway seeds) but, assuming your local Tesco has failed to replenish its Akevitt supplies, I would recommend a decent vodka. If in doubt go with Stolichnaya...

Rules

The rules are very simple. You take a sip of Aquavit (or vodka) if:

1) Pete Waterman is mentioned. Drink an entire shot if the camera picks him out in the audience.

2) Either of the hosts attempts to sing.

3) Either host pretends to be surprised at something said or done by the other in a clearly well rehearsed piece of improvisation.

4) Either of the hosts loses track of their autocue.

5) Anyone sitting in the room with you mentions Terry Wogan. Drink an entire shot if someone says something along the lines of ‘It’s not the same without Terry Wogan’ - he's been gone for two years people! Deal with it!

6) The video shown before an act contains shots of people in traditional costumes. Drink two shots if anyone is seen doing the traditional Norwegian Halling dance. And, yes, I know it looks eerily similar to some of the scenes from Monty Python's Silly Walk sketch...

7) You see an elk. Drink an entire shot if it’s a person dressed in an elk costume.

8) You aren’t entirely sure whether the singer is man who looks like a woman, or a woman who looks like a man.

9) A country is represented by a singer from somewhere else in the world.

10) The act involves people on stage banging large drums or industrial objects acting as large drums.

11) An item of clothing is removed on stage. Drink an entire shot if it is removed by someone else.

12) The act is bald. Drink an entire shot if they are also female.

13) The act possesses a large moustache.

14) The act is dressed in leather. Drink an entire shot if they are dressed in leather and have a large moustache.

15) If you hear a language used other than that of the nation who is singing (i.e French singing in a song by Malta). One sip per language. If in doubt, take a sip.

16) You recognise the song immediately as being a blatant rip off of a previous winner of Eurovision.

17) The song is an ode to world peace. Drink three shots immediately if there are any children on stage at any time during the song.

18) Every time there is an awkward silence and/or miscommunication between the hosts and the people reading out the votes. Drink an entire shot if the votes get mixed up.

19) Every time you hear "Royaume-Uni? Nil point!"

20) Every time a country gives top marks to someone for geographic, political or ethnic reasons. Drink an entire shot if they give them to Russia because they’re worried they won’t get any gas next Winter otherwise.

21) If there is any alcohol left once the show is finished and you’re physically capable of coordinating the movement of alcohol from the bottle to your mouth.

Job No. 90 - Catastrophe Modeler Manager

2010-03-02T13:42:00.008Z

Unsuitable job applications occasionally feel like buses in the UK; you wait around for ages to catch sight of one, then two turn up at the same time...

And, while most days I have no problems in sorting the wheat from the chaff and deciding which job is for me (and which gets consigned to a brief mention in the intro), today was one of those days in which I was forced, much like Solomon, to make a nearly impossible decision.

I mean, how does one choose between a Cloud Architect and a Catastrophe Modeler Manager?

On the one hand, being a Cloud Architect would give me the freedom to really let loose my artistic sensibilities; on the other, being a Catastrophe Modeler would allow me to relive all those childhood lego-based memories (and be paid for it...).

Decisions, decisions.

But, in giving it more thought, I decided that Cloud Architect was probably not for me. Not only am I less than fond of heights (which I assume are a given in this line of work) but clouds are such temporary things - imagine fashioning a cloud to resemble the Taj Mahal, only to watch the wind drift and twist it into a caricature of Ricky Gervais before anyone else got a chance to appreciate it?

So, with my decision made, I turned instead to the heady world of catastrophe modelling...

Now, while I am certain that in this modern day and age people do most of their catastrophe modelling on computers, I wanted to impress Pryor Associates and show them that I could also, as they say, kick it old skool. Thus, despite feeling a little under the weather, I decided to put together a showcase of my catastrophe modelling capabilities...

Step 1. I needed somewhere for your catastrophe to happen. So, armed only with a pizza box, a pair of scissors and a plentiful supply of sellotape I set to work. Some time later, the following miniature metropolitan modelling masterpiece was installed in the middle of the living room:

Step 2. I needed a catastrophe.

I considered simulating a tornado, but decided it was far too clichéd. A towering inferno was tempting, but I was worried it might get out of hand on a wooden floor and turn from a modelled into a fully blown catastrophe. Tsunami ruled out for similar reasons (besides, who has ever heard of a tsunami striking in these conditions?). No, if I was to impress with my catastrophe it needed to be something different. Something unique. Something that would make it impossible not to hire me...

Thus inspired by Gojira no Gyakushū, I brought forth the following (near feature film quality) production:

With such a strong calling card, I felt this job was already in the bag so I drafted a brief covering letter:

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing to apply for the position of Catastrophe Modeling Manager, as advertised on Monster.com

Although I am not directly experienced in Catastrophe Modelling, I have a keen interest in the area and - as well as being familiar with current technologies - am fully versed in the work of greats such as Ray Harryhausen. I feel that given opportunity I can deliver the modelling you need...

Regards

Oliver.

Now I just have to sit back and wait. It will, quite frankly, be a disaster if I don't get this...

Job No 89 - Update

2010-03-01T11:59:00.003Z

I would like to make it absolutely clear that no Lulus were harmed in making my application to be a zoo performer...

Job No. 89 - Zoo Performer

2010-02-27T12:49:00.009Z

I began the day hankering for adventure; which is why the position of Space Planning Manager was so very appealing to me. After all, since I've already applied to be a Country Director and a Global Team Leader, it was only natural that I should want to aim a little higher - and you can get much higher than outer space...

I've felt that Space is rather badly planned - I mean, big fat clusters of stars all stuck in one place while there's acres (or should that be light acres?) of space in between in which very little is going on at all. Not only that but, I'm sure you'll agree, this whole elliptical orbit thing gets rather tedious after a while - perhaps, therefore, it would be more fun to throw in a couple of triangular orbits here and there just to spice things up a bit? Gravity tends to be a little bit too predictable for my liking and my first action as Space Planning Manager would be to do something about this and make the Universe a far more entertaining place. You see (to paraphrase Mr. Brent), I like to think of myself not just as a Space Planning Manager but as a chilled out entertainer...

However, upon reading the job description more fully, it appeared that the job was less focused on Universe scale problems than it was on furniture, which dampened my ardour faster than a liquid nitrogen shower.

But, no sooner had my hopes been cruelly dashed, then I stumbled upon a job that left my interest so piqued that I had to check it for bruising - I mean, who could possibly pass up the opportunity to be a Performer within the Animals on Safari show at Columbus Zoo?

Now this was surely the adventure I had been hankering for - a chance to perform with wild and exotic animals and an opportunity to demonstrate the daredevil lion taming routines I had played through in my head a million times. Of course, I must confess to feeling a little nervous at the prospect of chancing death on a daily basis - with only my razor sharp reflexes saving me from the attentions of razor sharp teeth...

Therefore, I was slightly relieved to find that the Animals on Safari show features "cats, dogs and even rats and pigs" - which I am certain are altogether less fearsome denizens of the jungle. Taming a pig, for example, is likely to be a tad more forgiving than staring down a quarter of a ton of slobbering lion...

The application asked for a cover letter, a resume and a photo - so I decided that I needed to impress them with the photo. I needed a photo that clearly showed off that I could handle myself in the rough-and-tumble world of animal handling. Without a big cat of any kind to hand, I decided that I needed to call upon the services of Lulu, my Pekingese, to help me show off my considerable taming abilities...

With my nerves in tatters after my dangerous shoot, and with my photographic evidence safely taken care of, I decided all that was needed was for me to fashion an application letter that I was certain would capture my enthusiasm:

Dear Andrea

I would like to apply for the position of 'Performer' as advertised on the Association of Zoos and Aquariums website.

I am confident that I fulfil all the physical requirements of the role and - while I have previously considered animal performance with more exotic, and dangerous, animals I have done my utmost to prepare for a role in the Animals on Safari show by spending extensive time taming a white Pekingese (please see attached photographic evidence).

I very much have my heart set on the world of animal performance, and I am hoping you will see that - despite my slight lack of experience - I am the perfect candidate for this position.

I look forward to a positive response from you in the near future.

Regards

Oliver.

Now I just have sit back and wait for the call of the wild...

A job update...

2010-02-23T06:47:00.004Z

Having applied for a few jobs recently, I thought it only prudent to give you an update on some of the - very encouraging - feedback I've been receiving of late from my applications. Although I've not yet managed to snare that, as yet, elusive unsuitable job I think you will see - based upon their feedback - that I am coming very close each time...

My application to be a designer of Men's Bottoms came perilously close to success but, after some deliberation, they said: "Upon review of your resume, we have determined that your qualifications do not identify you as the most eligible candidate for this position."

Meanwhile, it appears I won't get a chance to stretch my sea legs (for the time being); I think perhaps they were worried that I was a little overqualified: "Unfortunately at this time, I do not have a suitable vacancy meeting your experience and expertise."

While my efforts to join the magic circle were halted, like a Balrog on a bridge, at the first attempt despite how much I obviously impressed them: "Although you have excellent experience, unfortunately it does not match the critera set by my client."

But, I received considerably more success in my application to be a chair...

The initial feedback was extremely positive - while there wasn't, currently, a centre in my area to be chair of they made it clear that they saw my potential "we would be very interested in rectifying this if the right individual was to volunteer to set something up. Would this be something that you might be interested in?"

However, I was a little perturbed by their failure to appreciate my concerns about the strains of supporting a couple at the same time "Regarding your question about supporting couples, I am not a practitioner and so am not really qualified to answer. However I don’t think it’s about being ‘safe’..."

Obviously, I was still interested, so I followed up my initial enquiry:

Hi Mary

Thank you for your response. The idea of establishing a new centre, for which I could be the chair, is obviously appealing - but there is always the concern that it would be a great deal to support on my own.

With regard, to my question of safety - I suppose I am just concerned about the pressure of two couples at once. I believe there may be upcoming Health and Safety legislation that will address this area.

Regards

Oliver.

Their response disturbed me, not only were they "not aware of upcoming H&S legislation" but they obviously expected that - during the course of my employment - I would need to bulk up to ensure I had the physical strength to be up to the task: "our counsellors are obviously trained to deal with couples."

I'm currently weighing up whether I'm prepared to undergo such a radical regime...

A snippet from my novel in progress...

2010-02-21T12:13:00.001Z

Chapter 1

Wednesday, 18^th June, 1873

I awoke, for the second time, on Wednesday morning with a sore toe.

I raised my head a fraction from the pillow and squinted in the direction of the window, where the pale grey light of a London morning was nervously creeping into the room and a distinctive pitter-patter of rain was spattering against the glass pane.

My toe throbbed painfully and so, gingerly, I poked my foot out from beneath the layered blankets in order to examine the extent of the injury. My initial impression was that my big toe looked altogether too big for my liking; this was an impression reinforced by the way in which it throbbed painfully when I made even the most tentative attempts at flexing it.

The end of a piece of white string was looped loosely around my toe and led out of the bed, across the dusty floorboards and, from there, up to the handle of my bedroom door where the opposing end of the afore mentioned string was similarly attached. I must admit, I was toying with the notion that tying my big toe to the bedroom door had not, on the face of it, been one of my better ideas.

I lay back on the pillow and blinked tiredly up at the ceiling; mulling that, if it weren’t for the fact that I had tied my big toe to the door this would be the first time I woke on Wednesday morning. Although, equally, if it weren’t for the fact that I had tied my big toe to the door I would have likely awoken to find that the scant few possessions I could still count as my own had mysteriously disappeared in much the same way as had my pocket watch, my silver comb, my best pair of shoes, two good white shirts, a pair of black socks and my only pair of cufflinks.

Ever since I had taken up lodgings with the, quite frankly fearsome, Mrs Avery it appeared that my belongings had developed a life of their own. In my previous occupancy, if I were to leave a shirt in a drawer then I could be quite confident that it would still be there waiting for me when I got back. Now, however, it seemed that my belongings had developed the desire to wander.

“Forgetfulness,” scowled Mrs Avery, when I nervously broached the idea of installing a lock on my bedroom door the day before. “I think you’ll find that you are just forgetful, Mr. Beckworth.”

Since Mrs Avery stood at least four inches taller than me and had the build of a navvy (with an armful of tattoos to match) I simply bobbed my head in agreement and assured her that I had certainly not even given consideration to the idea that one of my fellow lodgers could have been responsible for my missing items.

At this Mrs Avery had scowled even more harshly, her huge face reddening and her already large eyes almost popping from her head, and I was forced to quickly revise my statement in order to convince her that I fully accepted her explanation that the other three gentlemen in the house were not lodgers, but were merely occasional guests.

Indeed, I had swallowed Mrs Avery’s lie about this with little hesitation when I came to view the property at 312 Chandler Street ten days earlier; my writing work with the newspapers had been increasingly short in supply since the Travers Incident and I desperately needed to find somewhere cheaper to live than my current flat. Mrs Avery had explained that I was to be her only lodger, although I must be prepared for the fact that Mr Douglas, a close family friend (who kept himself to himself), sometimes had need of a room while Mr. Murphy, a banker no less, would sometimes stay when he was in town to conduct his business.

I communicated that this seemed certainly to be agreeable; after all I surely would not wish to stand in the way of either guests or the occasional professional visitor. Mrs Avery had beamed a crooked smile at me and then, as if the fact had completely failed to cross her mind beforehand, belatedly remembered that Mr. Winters, a legal gentleman, also had an agreement to use a room, usually no more than one night in a fortnight.

This all seemed perfectly acceptable to me; a friend, a banker and a legal gentlemen who, in total, seemed to spend no more than a few nights per month in the property surely would not be a problem and the price for lodgings was far lower than anything else I had been able to find in the City.

On my first night in my new lodgings it transpired that, as luck would have it, Mr. Douglas was also going to be staying; and while I cannot vouch for the fact that he is a close family friend, I can vouch for the fact that he is an extremely poor singer when drunk, although what he lacks in musicality he attempts to make up for with both stamina and volume.

Suitably exhausted the next morning I laboured down to the kitchen and prepared myself a plate of morning vittles from the meagre supplies on offer; it was there that I encountered a thick set man with a flat nose, cauliflower ears and a crop of short grey hair entering the property through the back door.

I, of course, introduced myself as the lodger of the property and was a little surprised to find in return that I was meeting Mr. Murphy, the gentleman that Mrs Avery had described as a banker. Now, while I would not, by any means, consider myself an expert in the clothing styles of banking professionals, I must confess that I had never before encountered a banker who wears moleskin trousers, scuffed hobnail boots and a shirt with sleeves rolled up to the elbow, exposing forearms like slabs of meat. Nor had I ever before met a banker who carried a, clearly well used, black leather sap with him to work.

Mr Murphy indicated that he was returning from a hard night’s work and proceeded to sit down in the place I had set myself at the kitchen table and began to eat the food which I had just spent time preparing for myself. Perhaps it was the presence of the leather sap dangling from his belt, perhaps it was his beady black eyes that held all the emotion of a dead fish, but there was something about Mr. Murphy that persuaded me to allow him to tuck into my breakfast without registering a single complaint.

Our conversation that morning was brief, and mainly one sided, but I was able to determine that that Mr. Murphy had what would be considered a tenuous connection to the banking profession; namely that he collected outstanding debts for a local money lender by the name of O’Riley.

More than a little appalled by the motley crew who were currently sharing a house with me (and indeed who seemed to be far more consistent visitors than I had been initially informed) I was lucky enough to be out of the house for the first four days of my stay and, despite the garbled singing of Mr. Douglas at night and the propensity of Mr. Murphy to eat my food at his convenience, I began to think that, perhaps, I could manage to adjust to my housemates. Unfortunately, that was before the arrival of Mr. Winters.

Job No. 88 - Organizational Wizard

2010-02-20T12:49:00.009Z

I like to think that the design skills I have (lovingly) nurtured within the game industry over the years are perfectly capable of translating into other industries (hence my forays into the world of Men's Bottoms, Socks and Lingerie). Thus, for a few brief moments, I was tempted to spread my design wings and take flight for the job offered by M.C. Dean who were looking for a Fire Alarm Designer...

But, the more that I thought about it, the more I became troubled as to whether the job would offer me enough challenge. After all, from what I can tell, fire alarms are pretty much the same the world over - a button (or buttons) that when pressed causes an alarm to ring. This, therefore, seems to limit the amount of creativity offered by the position - and, while I did consider transplanting successful video game elements into fire alarms (for example, you need to do a double-tap to make it work or perhaps a four button system in which you have to hit the right combo to activate the alarm) I just wasn't sure that the world of fire alarms was quite ready for such a radical paradigm shift.

Perhaps, in time, people will look back at this blog and see it as the catalyst for a wholesale change in the methodology of fire alarms; fire alarms that are more challenging (thus creating a far greater use of the risk/reward mechanism) and altogether more entertaining (albeit with a slightly higher casualty rate). At this time, it's likely that I will be given the due credit I deserve as a lone prophetic voice in an age of hideously dull fire alarm systems...

Fortunately, the feeling of disappointment did not last long as I stumbled across an advert on the Guardian Jobs site for an Organizational Wizard.

I felt eminently qualified for this position; I have managed a wide range of projects (thus demonstrating my organisational qualities) and have also (in order to satisfy their wizardry related demands) watched all four episodes of Breaking the Magician's Code, reread the first chapter of Harry Potter as well as having a good listen to some Paul Dukas...

At first, I wasn't quite whether I needed to be a wizard who organised things, or an organised wizard (damn you semantics!) but a quick read through of the job description left me in no doubt that they needed magical assistance in the areas of organisation; after all, the job required that, amongst other duties, I would be "managing diaries, producing reports...organising meetings and generally providing a first class support service".

Managing diaries and producing reports are tasks that, in normal circumstances, can tax mere mortals but obviously would be a cinch to an organizational wizard with an auto-answer quill, while a broad range of organisational issues could be quickly and easily solved with a Time Turner or something similar. Feeling confident that (despite my current lack of magical training) I could manage to bluff my way through my employment through the purchasing of various enchanted objects (and swot up on Latin in my spare time), I quickly typed out a cover letter:

Dear Kara

I wish to apply for the position of Organizational Wizard, as advertised on the Guardian Jobs website (ref. GDKG040989).

While not directly experienced in this area, I have carried out considerable research and believe that I could satisfy your organisational demands. I have a good knowledge of Latin, am a quick learner and am amenable to any and all dress codes that may be required for the position.

If you have any questions or queries, please don't hesitate to contact me. I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Regards

Oliver.

Having sent the letter I did have a momentary pang of doubt as to whether the use of email (as opposed to owl) would have been something of a giveaway but figured it's too late to worry about that. Now I just have to find Diagon Alley on Google maps...

Grandma's Cheese Pudding (aka when cookery goes bad)

2010-02-01T09:14:00.005Z

In a change to our scheduled service, today I need to share with you my experience of attempting to cook a meal for my wife's birthday. By the end of my (sorry) tale, I am certain that you will be in agreement that any job involving food preparation is about as unsuitable as it gets for me...

Our story begins when, having been asked by my wife what we were going to be eating on her birthday, I foolishly blurted out something along the lines of 'I'll cook something special for you...'

Now, I'm not entirely sure where those words came from (my current working theory is that, for the briefest of moments, I was possessed by the spirit of Keith Floyd) but I regretted them as soon as they came out of my mouth. You see, I just knew that my traditional speciality of beans on toast just wasn't going to cut it for birthday celebrations.

And thus, on the day of the afore mentioned birthday, while my wife was at work I threw myself into the task of scouring the internet for good recipes - with my only guidance being a request for a 'cheese based dish'.

So, when I stumbled upon the recipe for Grandma's Cheese Pudding, I figured I was onto a winner. Not only was it cheese based (check!) but it was also (in my opinion) well within the scope of even my, hopelessly limited, culinary capabilities. It said you needed a 2.8 litre dish to make it but, since I didn't have one this big, I made the executive decision to simply halve all the ingredients.

A quick dash to the shops later and I had got all of the ingredients save for breadcrumbs. My supermarket doesn't sell breadcrumbs - and, apparently, just breaking up some pieces of bread (in a similar method used to feed ducks) doesn't count. So I sought advice and, after some crust slicing, oven baking and grating, I had a plate full of breadcrumbs. Of course, not having any scales I had to estimate how many I had but I figured there must surely be enough and moved onto grating cheese (which also went, I must say, swimmingly).

Perhaps I wasn't so bad at this cookery thing as I thought. Which was obviously the point at which the spirit of Keith Floyd decided he was no longer needed and drifted back to whence he came, leaving me in charge of bringing the milk to the boil and mixing it in with my ingredients.

One litre of boiling milk later, I pour it over my breadcrumbs and stir in my cheese, only to find that I have a very watery (well, actually milky) gloopy mess. Even to my untrained eyes, this looks very wrong indeed. I recheck the recipe. Bugger. I have halved all the ingredients except milk. There is now twice as much milk as I need mixed in with my breadcrumbs and cheese.

At this point - with only an hour or so until my wife got home (expecting Grandma's Cheese Pudding - I'd made the rookie mistake of telling her what I was cooking) panic set in. I tried to pour milk out through a strainer but I'd made it in such a big bowl that I was losing as much of the breadcrumbs and cheese as milk. So, after using a ladle to rid myself of some of the excess milk, I decided that time was pressing too much and that I needed to get it in the oven pronto.

Grandma's Cheese Pudding is in the oven. Twenty minutes tick by. Wife arrives home. It smells nice (check!). We sit down and I position myself in a chair so that I can surreptitiously keep an eye on the dish in the oven; only to see that it is growing at a not inconsiderable rate. The mixture is rising like a cumulus nimbus cloud. I'm not sure it's meant to do this. I keep my wife's attention focused in the opposite direction. It's really starting to get big now. I begin to worry it will grow too big for the oven at its current rate of growth. The story of the magic porridge pot stirred uncomfortably at the back of my mind...

But then, with a ping, it was ready. I breathed a small sigh of relief and went to get it out.

Only for the cumulus nimbus to slowly deflate, leaving behind a yellowish mixture that I discovered wobbled like a jelly. Feeling fairly certain this was not meant to be the case, I made my excuses and slipped it back in the oven for another ten minutes. At which point it was browning quite a bit at the edges but still wobbling like a jelly in the middle. Well, it's as near as dammit, I thought and prepared to serve it up for dinner.

Which was the point that I discovered that, instead of cooking Grandma's Cheese Pudding (which sounds impressive, you must admit) I had actually spent all afternoon - and nearly an hour of cooking time - creating an oven omelette.

Too much milk, too little breadcrumbs = an oven cheese omelette, and not a particularly good omelette at that (although I'd never before considered the possibility of cooking an omelette in the oven). So, after all my slaving and panicking, I served my wife two slices of birthday omelette and swore that I would never, ever, be so foolish as to think I can cook again...

Job No. 87 - Staff Captain

2010-01-24T12:49:00.003Z

For the briefest of moments today I considered taking up Booz Allen Hamilton's frighteningly interesting offer of being a Nuclear Survivability Analyst.

But, upon more careful consideration, I realised that this was a career that could expose me to terrible dangers. I mean, do they think I'm stupid? Do they not realise I have read The Incredible Hulk? One minute you're a Nuclear Survivability Analyst, shoved out on the test range to be exposed to a top secret Gamma Bomb, the next you're bursting out of your clothes (apart from in the rude places, which is rather handy) and transforming into a large, rather angry, green man. And since I have too few clothes as it is in my wardrobe, I decided to give Nuclear Survivability a wide berth...

Instead, I decided that perhaps, after a life trying to deny the fact, a sailor's life was for me...

You see, V. Hospitality were looking for a Staff Captain to serve on one of their European Cruise Liners. Admittedly, they were looking for a German speaking Staff Captain but I figured that I could always brush up my German skills (gained while I was 14, studying German for a year and missing at least half the classes) between now and the interview. I'll simply re-watch a few old WWII films and, before you know it, I'll be 'Schweinhund'-ing and 'Gott in Himmler'-ing with the best of them...

With the language barrier smoothly dealt with, I was pleased to see that, while previous passenger vessel experience was appreciated it was by no means essential. Now all that remained was to find out exactly what a Staff Captain does...

After a bit of googling, I stumbled across this interview with a Staff Captain which confirmed to me that - not only do you get to wear a natty uniform - but that being a Staff Captain is a ridiculously easy job; at sea, the Staff Captain is responsible for making sure that "the ship is going the right speed in the right direction..."

I once had a go with a remote controlled speed boat, and there was one time that I rowed a boat (although, saying that, we did lose one of the oars and spend most of our allotted time rowing in circles trying to get it back). Surely keeping a 60,000 ton cruise liner pointed in the right direction was going to be pretty much the same (as long as they didn't try to baffle me with all this port and starboard nonsense)?

Confident in my abilities, I was ready to fire off an application letter that extolled my, numerous, virtues - only to find that the application process was handled through a series of online forms. Surely, I thought to myself, such a sterile, mechanical process couldn't serve to distinguish the flotsam from the jetsam - so, I decided I needed to make sure that my application stood out. Fortunately, it was possible to include a photo of oneself on your job profile so - with a bit of the digital wizardry that so nearly got me job as a photo editor - I spruced myself up maritime-styley and, before you could say, "Iceberg, right ahead!" I was ready to set sail as a Staff Captain...

So, I think it's only a matter of time before I'll be saying Auf Weidersehen to you land lubbers and setting sail to live the wild life of a sailor. Arr matey!

Job No.86 - Associate Designer, Men's Bottoms

2010-01-14T13:35:00.005Z

A vague perusal of the jobs available at New Scientist turned up the not entirely interesting, yet certainly lucrative, role of Ice Sheet Research Scientist which is paid up to $140,000 (in Australian dollars). As far as I could ascertain, the Ice Sheet Research Scientist spends his, or her, time watching the 'dynamic processes in the Antarctic Ice Sheet' - which seems to me to be the scientific equivalent of watching paint dry. I tried to imagine how my journal would look:

Day 1. Went out and looked at the ice. It wasn't doing much today.

Day 2. Ice still there. Quite cold. Looks pretty much the same as yesterday.

Day 3. Ice hasn't really changed. The ice sheet not quite as dynamic as I had hoped.

Day 4. You'll never guess what I looked at today. That's right. Ice.

Day 5. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with I...

I decided that, by Day 6, I would already be inventing mysteriously appearing chasms and alien corpses entombed in the ice sheet - basically, anything to relieve the endless monotony of staring at a big chunk of unmoving ice. Which was enough to convince me that I was probably not cut out for life in the Antarctic wilderness...

Thankfully, Phillips-Van Heusen (owners of a gazillion brands including Calvin Klein) had a rearly interesting position available - Associate Designer, Men's Bottoms. Now this, I thought to myself, was something I could really sink my teeth into.

With my extensive game design experience, I was certain that it would not be a huge leap to the business of designing bottoms (at the very least, I was sure that I wouldn't make a complete arse of myself); the same core principles would undoubtedly apply whether you're designing the perfect first-person shooter or the perfect posterior...

Understanding your audience is, I think, key - there's no point designing a range of athletic, taut buttocks (capable of cracking a walnut with ease) if your audience is largely composed of elderly males whose sedentary lifestyle is likely to require an altogether more padded and ergonomically designed bottom.

I also think it's important to try and think out of the box and try to innovate - to think where the combination of technology and man-made buttocks could take us. So, taking a leaf out of the manufacturers of La-Z-Boy recliners, I thought it might be useful to consider a range of innovations (taking bottoms to the next level, so to speak) such as built-in massage functionality, heating systems (for those cold mornings sat on a leather couch) and even - perhaps through clever use of motion sensing sensors - the use of buttocks as a wireless control device (moving your bottom acts to move the cursor on the screen, twitch the left buttock to left click, etc.). I was certain PVH would be intrigued by my fresh approach:

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Associate Designer - Men's Bottoms, as advertised within the New York Times.

I have an extensive background in design - and am thoroughly versed in software such as Adobe Photoshop. I also believe that I could bring a fresh approach to the designing of men's bottoms.

My previous experience has taught me the value of understanding your customer and of ensuring that you innovate - and I have a number of cutting-edge design ideas that are all about the interface of modern technology and men's bottoms.

I think that I could help you produce something rearly special...

Regards

Oliver.

Now I just have to sit and wait, hoping my application won't become the butt of jokes and that PVH will write back to invite me to join them in men's bottoms...

Job No. 85 - Centre Chair

2010-01-08T08:28:00.005Z

While sifting the job related wheat from the chaff this morning, I was pleased to find that the trend of employing soulless automatons (see Job No. 80) is not one that has permeated all areas of the business world. Alstom Power Inc. have clearly decided to buck the trend and are looking to adopt a more touchy-feely approach with their advert for a Tender Manager.

Tenderness is, I feel, very much an underrated management style; too often managers are expected to be hard-edged, dynamic and generally authoritarian. Alstom have obviously realised that there is also room for the more caring, empathic manager in the power industry.

I can just imagine this in action...

Bob comes into my office to tell me that the Wind Turbine needed to supply power to a small city isn't finished because he's been too busy updating his facebook page. No worries Bob, I say, you take your time - and why not take the rest of the day off while you're at it? After all, it must have quite stressful to have to come and tell me this...

I think I would make an excellent Tender Manager. And that is, perhaps, why I veered away from it today; frankly, I think I'm just a little bit too suitable.

Instead, I decided upon on altogether more sedentary occupation, in the shape of Centre Chair with Marriage Care. While never having previously considered applying to be a piece of furniture, after having eaten far too much over Christmas I feel that I am likely almost as comfy as a Chesterfield at this moment in time...

I have to say, I think this is an inspired idea on the part of Marriage Care, I am certain led by the current economic climate. After all, if everyone were to employ people as chairs then I am sure that the world's unemployment problems would be solved quite quickly.

The only aspect of the job that I was slightly troubled by was the fact that I have to "support couples". I think this is a bit unfair (not to mention a possible violation of Health and Safety) and so I wanted to broach this subject in my application letter:

Dear Mary

I am writing in order to apply for the position of Centre Chair, as advertised on the Guardian Jobs website.

While not formally experienced in the area, I believe that this something I am naturally suited for and I would not only bring boundless enthusiasm for the role, but also be capable of providing appropriate levels of comfort.

I was curious as to your position on the issue of supporting couples; I tend to believe that it is generally safer to deal with each individual in turn (although this depends upon the size of the problem).

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Oliver.

So, if you're currently experiencing marital problems, don't worry - I could be supporting you very soon (cushions not inclusive and provided at an extra charge).

Job No. 84 - Manager of Lesotho National Football Team

2010-01-06T19:36:00.005Z

I've always had a soft spot for football management. I can trace it back to the moment, as a young boy, that I realised there was one thing holding me back from being a professional footballer; namely that I failed to possess anywhere near sufficient poise, elegance, skill or general coordination to actually play the game well (I can, however, play the game very badly with some style). And so, with my playing career cut short by incompetence at such an early age, it became obvious to me that I should look instead to the heady world of management...

So, when I saw that the well-known footballing powerhouse that is Lesotho were looking for somebody to take over from their current, caretaker, manager I realised that this was surely my moment to seize the footballing glory that has been denied to me for so long.

I'll admit, I wasn't entirely sure where Lesotho was (apparently it's the world's southernmost landlocked country - being entirely surrounded by South Africa) but when I read that it was currently ranked as the 150th best team in the world (a smidgen below Bangladesh, a fraction above Sri Lanka) I realised that this was the job to ease me comfortably into the world of football management. From here, I could look to work my way up the ladder to a Spain or a Brazil...or, if worst came to worst, I could abandon all hope and go manage Wales...

Now, admittedly, Lesotho don't have the most impressive run of form in international competition. They've never qualified for the World Cup and they have a patchy history with regard to the African Nations Cup that seems to involve either not entering, not qualifying, withdrawing from the competition or being banned (for previously withdrawing from the competition). But surely that just sets the stage for a Rocky-like rise from obscurity? All they need is the right man in the job...

I decided to use the same flexibility with the truth that had so nearly seen me take the reins at the Chicago Cubs and rely upon my extensive football management experience (principally gained playing Championship Manager - although I also managed to pick up some useful tactical knowledge playing 'dice football' on the train to school):

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing in order to apply for the currently vacant position of Lesotho National Football Manager.

I am an English coach with extensive experience of success in the English football league (although I have also been involved in European competition) and believe that I have what it takes to bring Lesotho to the next level of footballing excellence. I have cultivated a very hands-on approach to the game from an early age, ever since my playing career was tragically cut short, and have focused instead on the tactical and strategic aspects of the game.

I believe that, with the right coaching and motivation, there is no reason that Lesotho could not be a major power in world football - and that I am the man to bring about that change.

I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Regards

Oliver.

I am certain they will be impressed by my experience and pedigree. The only thing that concerns me a little is whether, in real football, you're allowed to save your progress before each game (and start again if you're playing rubbish). I think I may need to follow up on this with FIFA...

New Year Update

2010-01-04T07:26:00.002Z

Is it just me that finds it hard to believe that it is now 2010, a date I previously believed only existed in Arthur C Clarke novels?

Well, I figured a quick update on how things are going was well due but, I can only assume due to the Christmas post, things have been relatively quiet. I received an encouraging, if slightly disappointing, response from my application for an Adult Day Center Specialist. They told me:

"Although your background and experience are impressive, we cannot offer you a position at this time."

I also continued to be upset by my failure to apply to be Director of the NATO Undersea Research Centre - however, my spirits were lifted somewhat when I saw, in the log of IP addresses that have visited the blog, that I have received a number of visits from an IP address that is registered to the NATO Undersea Research Centre. So perhaps, even though I didn't manage to get my application in on time, they are still planning on considering me...

Job No. 83 - Adult Day Center Specialist

2009-12-11T14:36:00.004Z

Finding a way into the harsh and competitive world of business management can be a tough task; usually you have to take some kind of lowly paid junior position in which your prime responsibilities include coffee making and being abused and shouted at - and then hope that you can stick in there long enough for someone higher in the company tree to fall out (or be pushed), thus freeing up some space for you to clamber upwards and direct all your pent-up ire and aggression at the new junior...

Which is why, I feel, Primecare really deserve to be congratulated for attempting to break the mold and introduce an entirely new concept, in the shape of Practice Business Manager. Now you can experience all the excitement, all the adventure and all the exhilaration without actually putting anyone's business in danger with your, frankly amateurish, management skills.

But, in truth, I felt that a practice position was probably a little too suitable for my needs. I needed something more daring, something in which I could make a real difference in the lives of people to stimulate my interest. Which is why my attention was, quite literally, aroused at the sight of a vacancy as Adult Day Center Specialist.

The adult industry has, since the latter stages of the 20th century, exploded in commercial potential; once upon a time, adult entertainment was the province of the dirty old man but now there is a more widespread social acceptance - typified by NewCourtland of Philadelphia whose Adult Day Centers are obviously intended as a means of achieving one's adult goals.

They are clearly seeking someone who can set a suitable example in this area as an ideal candidate will be one who "enables participants to maintain independence and control to the greatest extent possible." I will be happy to assist in any way I can; discussing both methodology and medical aids in this area; with a bit of expert guidance I'm certain I can provide what NewCourtland's clients are looking for "enabling them to attain/maintain their highest possible level of functioning."

This was a challenge I was prepared to take in hand - and one which had the potential for considerable public exposure...

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing in order to apply for the position of Adult Day Center Specialist.

While I am not, by any means, a specialist in the area of Adult Day Centers, I believe that I have the necessary skillset and motivation, not to mention considerable experience on a voluntary basis.

I am fully committed to the ideal of enabling participants to maintain independence and control to the greatest extent possible; and believe this can be achieved through a well structured programme of physical training, video tuition and - in the most needy of cases - medical intervention.

I think the area of Adult Day Centers is very much under explored and that this is a position in which I would be prepared to stand proudly, in which I would be able to focus on and expose my assets in a way that could benefit the lives of others. If you give me a chance to prove myself, I will endeavour to deliver the finest Adult Day Center experience yet; I think that there is much to learn from Continental Europe (particularly systems in place in the Netherlands) and I would hope to import some of these, very attractive, models to form a basis for increased performance on my own behalf.

Regards

Oliver.

Now I just have to wait and see whether they recognise my potential; nonetheless, I am ready for action at just a moment of their notice...

Job No. 82 - Director of the National Museum of Australia

2009-12-10T10:43:00.003Z

Today's job hunting presented me with a particularly difficult dilemma; representing that age-old battle between the material and the immaterial, between physical prowess and intellect; as I wrestled with the difficult decision of either applying to be a Russian Audience Champion with the BBC, or the Director of the National Museum of Australia...

I must admit, the idea of being a Russian Audience Champion stirred within me images of Spartacus and Gladiator, and I could easily envisage myself (likely clad in some sort of strange and ornate body armour) striding forth in packed arenas to defend the honour of Russian Audiences worldwide in a series of life or death battles.

And I suppose, it was at that point, that my imagination rang a little alarm bell somewhere. Life or death? I mean, I have a sincere and deep love for the honour and happiness of the Russian audience - but did I really want to be lying on the floor, giant spear sticking out my side, drifting slowly out of consciousness as the Luxembourg Audience Champion did some kind of strange Luxemborgian victory jig?

Which, turned me immediately to a far easier position, in the shape of Director of the National Museum of Australia...

Why easier, you might ask? Well, I did some checking on Australia and I found out that, apparently, it wasn't discovered until 1606 and it wasn't actually claimed until 1770. Which means, Australia has only 229 years of history - surely making it one of the easiest museums in the world to run! In fact, if anything, I suppose the most difficult thing about being Director of the National Museum of Australia is finding stuff to put in there...

The museum obviously already knows this is a problem as, in the advert, they were quite clear that the new Director would need to "enhance knowledge of Australia's cultural identity."

So, I had a quick trawl through my limited knowledge of Australian cultural identity and immediately thought of Neighbours, Vegemite, Mel Gibson, Kangeroos, Ugg Boots and Elle Macpherson. The trouble was, once my mind got to Elle Macpherson it kind of stuck there and - as hard as I tried to shift in onto other potential Australasian museum fillers - it didn't want to move on.

Nevertheless, armed with the conviction that I possessed enough antipodean knowledge to at least scrape through to the interview stage, I wrote out an application letter that would hopefully let them see my potential:

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing in order to apply for the position of Director of the National Museum of Australia, as advertised within the Guardian newspaper.

While not possessing a background in the museum industry, as such, I do possess considerable expertise in providing entertainment to a specified target demographic and feel that my skillset would translate extremely well.

I have many ideas on how I would act to enhance knowledge of Australian cultural identity; through dissemination of Australian entertainment, Australian cuisine, Australian exports, Australian wildlife, Australian fashion and Elle Macpherson.

I am keen to enter the museum industry, and I see the National Museum of Australia as being a perfect fit where I can hone my skills in a challenging, yet relatively historically exiguous, environment.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Oliver.

I was very proud of the, almost subliminal, way in which I had broached the topic of Ms. Macpherson and was feeling confidently smug about my chances until I suddenly realised that I had made no mention, whatsoever, in my application of one of the principal aspects of Australian cultural identity; Dame Edna Everage. I am now a little concerned that they will not take my application seriously...

Chapter Two is done...

2009-12-08T18:57:00.002Z

This weekend, as well as writing Job No. 80 (Strong Accountant), I've been trying to find some time to continue working on my - as yet untitled - second novel.

So far, I'm really pleased with how's it going - I completed the second chapter over the weekend and I really feel like it's going to turn out to be one of the best things I've ever written. I know that there's a long, long path ahead of me but, when I'm able to find the time to write, it's just such an enjoyable process...

I'll keep you updated with it's progress as I work my way through it!

Job No. 81 - WASH Specialist

2009-12-07T11:10:00.005Z

Have you ever arrived at the train station a little on the late side, dashed relentlessly through the concourse with a motley collection of baggage in tow, barged up (or down) an escalator full of people and emerged, breathless, onto the platform just in time to witness the doors of the train sliding - agonisingly slowly - shut? You stand there, breathless and sweating, and the train still stands there as well (you can't get on, but the conductor perhaps wants to enjoy the moment). Forlornly, you look through the window at the people who are all happily sat and ready for the journey that you're now going to miss. Sometimes they give vague sympathetic smiles.

Well, that was how I feel today having missed out, by the narrowest of margins, on a job that seemed just the sort of thing I should be doing with my life - Director of the NATO Undersea Research Centre. How could I not be perfect for this job? After all, I've played Battleships, I've read The Hunt for Red October - I've even watched all 39 episodes of Stingray. But, sadly, the closing date was the 4th December and so my dreams of a life aquatic must, for the moment, remain just that...

However, feeling only slightly discouraged, I decided to browse through the latest vacancies on offer at the United Nations (having almost been hired as the UN's Chief Procurement Officer back in 2006) and realised that today's aquatic theme was not yet finished as they were looking for a WASH Specialist.

Now, I'm not sure I would consider myself a wash specialist as such but I have been doing it for thirty five years - which, is surely a body of experience that deserves to be taken account of - and so would consider myself extremely suitable for the job.

Of course, being the United Nations, it's never as simple as it sounds - they were looking for someone who could "facilitate the processes that will ensure a well coordinated, coherent, strategic and effective WASH response at State level."

I think this is understandable; there is sufficient seating for 1,800 people at the General Assembly of the United Nations and all it takes is a couple of members with dubious hygiene and they end up honking the whole place out. In such situations, the UN clearly needs someone to get in there and deal with the problem swiftly and decisively (and diplomatically) - a casual spray of deodorant for a mild case; an 'accidental' hose down and delousing for more problematic individuals...

The position requires that the applicant be able to identify "urgent and potentially difficult decisions and acts on them promptly".

Imagine the scenario; Gordon Brown about to head on stage to the podium. Unfortunate trouser stain. Maybe it's just water, but maybe he hasn't given Mr Winky a good enough shake. Either way, a wash specialist needs to get in there and sort the problems out. Well, not literally in there. Probably just a high pressure disinfectant misting of some sorts followed by a hairdryer on full power for a minute or two...

I also wondered whether the UN had considered the idea of sponsorship; for example, The UN Conference on Disarmament (sponsored by Palmolive). Which promotes the wash ideals, and brings in some extra cash for the UN - a win/win situation, surely!

Certain that I had what it takes, I crafted a suitable letter of application:

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing in order to apply for the position of WASH specialist, as advertised on the UN Jobs website.

I possess considerable WASH experience and also have a number of ideas on how the service could be developed, and improved, in future. I think there is a great potential for relationships with commercial bodies, in the way of sponsorship, and would be keen to investigate this area.

I am capable of responding to all manner of emergency situations and have given considerable thought as to how I would deal with a number of possible problems; with the upholding of the WASH programme values at the very heart of my solutions.

Regards

Oliver.

I am sure that, this time, the United Nations will want to come back to me and at least take this to the interview stage - perhaps where I will be able to demonstrate my wash strategies in the flesh, so to speak...

Myspace blocking blogspot...

2009-12-05T18:30:00.005Z

It is rare that I get riled enough to write a rant, but today MySpace has managed to poke a sharpened stick into the lion's cage...or, at the very least, a bic pen into the furry side of the sleeping hamster...

You see, whenever I post a new entry to my blog, I like to post a link to it on the various places that I frequent - so I'll post a link on facebook, a link on twitter, a link on a couple of forums I frequent, etc.

But, it turns out that I can't post a link on MySpace. Or rather, I can but MySpace won't let anyone actually follow it - as soon as they click on my link they get directed to a page like this:

Which rather suggests that my link is trying to misdirect unwary visitors to some kind of nefarious spamming, phishing or generally harmful website...

But if you read on, the text below the warning states:

"The specific link may be OK, but the webhost may be the issue. For example, if you are trying to visit a blog or page on some webhost, the specific site or blog may be benign, but because the host/company won't work with MySpace security to block other malicious sites on their domain, we are sometimes forced to block the entire domain."

You see, MySpace in their near infinite wisdom/stupidity (delete as you feel appopriate) have decided that - since there have (allegedly) been some sites hosted on the blogspot domain that have been involved in the above practices - the safest course of action is to block all links heading to blogspot. Yes, that's right - all links to blogspot. Even a link to the official Google blog (which is the 4th biggest technology blog in the world according to technorati, and 16th overall) results in the same - you shall not pass!!!

Now, maybe it's just me, but this seems rather a huge overreaction on the part of MySpace - especially since it's quite happy to allow visitors to link to some very morally dubious sites with nothing more than 'you're leaving MySpace' warning page. Surely it would be possible to have a similar warning page for links to blogspot, allowing individuals to make their own decision on the matter?

Of course, I'm sure the blanket ban has got nothing to do with MySpace wanting to encourage users to publish on the MySpace blogs and not link somewhere else. Oh no, not at all...

Job No. 80 - Strong Accountant

2009-12-05T12:57:00.005Z

I began the day in fine fettle, spirits buoyed by my recent return to my old unsuitable job hunting ways, and decided to dig out my employment seeking net and trawl the jobs section of the New York Times for something that thoroughly perked my interest...

And it wasn't long before I stumbled across the deeply attractive role of Pet Stylist; a job that offered the vague promise of securing a foot on a rung of the style guru ladder (some may argue as to the relative positioning of dressing dogs and dressing celebrities on said ladder) while, at the same time, representing an almost entirely unexplored fashion realm. Canine fashion, you see, is very much in its infancy and has, thus far, largely been limited to tartan fleeces and painfully unfashionable rainwear. And, please, don't even get me started on the abominable state of dog footwear.

And this, in the end, was the reason that I didn't apply to be a Pet Stylist today - I'm just not sure that the industry is yet ready for my ground-breaking ideas and my subtle combination of vintage, retro and bleeding-edge styling. I feel it is too much (at this moment in time) for me to take on the role of canine fashion revolutionary - I need, instead, to wait until the world is ready for me.

So, with a slightly heavy heart, I turned instead to a most curious vacancy being offered by the Robert Half company, who were looking for a Strong Accountant. Now I'm not much of an accountant but I figured that, since I'm pretty strong, if I spent the time between application and interview really working out, I could definitely nail the strong part (which would, hopefully, sway them towards the acceptance of my slightly less pronounced accountancy skills).

However, it seems that physical strength was not the only thing on their mind at Robert Half - oh no - as their job description clearly stated that they were looking for "a strong individual with nerves of steel."

Nerves of steel? And then it dawned on me. My God - they were looking for a cyborg! Robert Half wanted to find themselves a bionic accountant...

It all made sense. A bionic accountant would probably have all kinds of computational advantages over a normal human and be far stronger than a purely biological specimen. The odds, it appeared, were firmly stacked against me; but I wasn't about to give up on this vacancy over the little matter of being human:

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing with regard to the position of Strong Accountant, as advertised within the New York Times.

I believe that I am good condition and am willing to take any tests that you may wish to set in order to gauge this for yourself, although I sincerely hope the fact that I possess peripheral axons does not, in any way, stand against me in the my desire to succeed within this position.

I appreciate that I am likely to be up against some stern (some may even suggest unfair) competition for this vacancy but I hope that you are able to see the advantages gained in utilising an applicant who doesn't have a mechanical approach and who is still fully in touch with his humanity.

Regards

Oliver.

Well, all I can do now is wait. If I don't receive an invitation for an interview, I think we all know the real reason - and the hidden cyborg agenda that lies, flimsily diguised, behind it...

Job No. 79 - Fraud Consultant

2009-12-03T21:28:00.004Z

I held out as long as I could; tried desperately to leave this whole unsuitable jobs malarkey at number 78 and be done with it. But, in the end, it appears that I just can't keep away...

It started when I saw an advert in the Guardian for a 'Midweight Web Designer', which immediately brought back warm and fuzzy memories of my time struggling to make the grade as a Heavyweight Creative back in 2006 (and my subsequent conversation with the, very helpful, Steve). It made me realise that the job market may have moved on in my absence and that my weight may no longer be such a barrier in securing gainful employment.

However, while I was thoroughly tempted to apply for a job better suited to my slightly more than svelte figure, I stumbled across an altogether more intriguing post being advertised on the very same site that appealed to me on an altogether different level.

Times, it seems, have indeed changed. Back when I was applying for jobs in 2006 and 2007, I was of the feeling that criminal employment was to be looked down upon (with the possible exception of being a pirate). Now, perhaps it is because of the global economic meltdown but it appears that less salubrious agencies have moved into the job market and, keen to move with the times, I must admit they piqued my interest...

Fraud Recruitment Services are looking for a Fraud Consultant, mentioning that "this is a rare opportunity to take the lead fraud consultant role in a vibrant technology company".

They were looking for someone with "extensive and relevant fraud expertise". I am not certain whether failing to mention that you have been given 15 pence too much change when at the till in Sainsburys qualifies as extensive and relevant fraud experience so - to be on the safe side - I listened to Scott Joplin's 'The Entertainer' and watched several episodes of Hustle.

Thus, armed with an up-tempo swing in my step and a desire to put my new found criminal knowledge to active use, I crafted an expert letter that would be certain to convince them that they had, indeed, found the man for their job:

Dear Chris

I am writing with regard to the position of Fraud Consultant, as advertised on the Guardian Jobs website.

I have an extensive knowledge of fraud (whether it be bunko, flim flam or simple grifting) and am fully prepared to put this into service on behalf of your company. I believe that the current economic crisis marks a time when such services are needed more than ever.

I am fully versed in both traditional methodology - for example, the glim-dropper - and more modern electronic methods such as 419 and believe my creative talents could be put to good use in thinking of updates to old standards.

I own a pet Aardvark called Gerald.

Regards

Oliver.

The aardvark line was particularly clever (if I say so myself); after all, they say one of the most important things in executing a con is to ensure that you distract your mark - and I think Chris will be so distracted by that last line that he will totally fail to notice that my CV contains no fraud experience whatsoever...

Aliens are among us...

2009-11-30T14:48:00.003Z

Well, they are if you believe Luchezar Filipov who is (or perhaps was, until this) deputy head of the Space Exploration department at the Bulgarian Academy of Science, who recently gave a press conference to give an update on how alien contact is doing...

Apparently, the aliens are communicating with Bulgarian scientists through the use of pictograms in crop circles and are 'friendly and willing to help us'.

With that said, the aliens are apparently unhappy with the use of artificial insemination and - in a move perhaps designed to keep the Taliban happy - are also critical of the use of make-up (both get slated for being 'unnatural').

I would officially like to say, I'll have some of whatever Mr Filipov has been smoking...

Give the gift of Chlamydia this Christmas...

2009-11-30T14:13:00.005Z

Ok, so I stumbled across this company and simply had to blog about it.

You have to admire the demented genius of this - a range of giant-sized, cuddly, soft toy microbes representing some of the world's most feared bacteria and viruses.

The green one on the left is Chlamydia and is part of a set that includes E-coli, H1N1 (Swine Flu to its friends) and MRSA. I can't help but imagine some of the intriguing conversations (and subsequent turkey-based choking) that may be going on at Christmas Dinner tables around the world this year...

Granny: "So, what did Father Christmas give you two for Christmas?"
Little Billy: "He gave me Chlamydia, Granny."
Little Sally: "I wanted him to give me Chlamydia as well but he gave me Syphilis instead..."
Granny: *clutches chest*

But it's not just your common-or-garden viruses and sexual transmitted diseases. Oh no! They also have in stock a soft-toy version of the Ebola Virus - one of the best candidates for wiping out huge swathes of human life should it ever mutate into an airborne variant.

I'm just wondering how US Customs would respond should you, in answer to their question of 'anything to declare?', reply 'Nothing, apart from the fact that I've got enough Ebola Virus in my suitcase to give to my children and all their friends...

A new day, a new novel...

2009-11-28T12:22:00.004Z

Today I started work on my second novel.

The first novel was finished over the summer in a bout of frenzied writing and, while I really liked it, I don't currently have any intention of submitting it for publication. The second novel, however, is an altogether different beast and I've set my sights firmly on writing something that is quite at home sitting on a bookshelf in Waterstones...

I can't tell you too much about it at this stage save to say that it's set in the late 19th Century and contains more than a smidgen of humour. Oh, and the first line (well, unless I revise it later) is:

"I awoke, for the second time, on Wednesday morning with a sore toe."

First day...well, afternoon...

2009-11-27T17:35:00.003Z

Well the first afternoon of my, quite possibly world changing, facebook group has not been entirely successful. And, when I say not entirely successful, I actually mean entirely unsuccessful...

But - fear not! - time is very much on my side.

Meanwhile, over at vkontakte, my group is already doing a roaring trade with 10 members straight away. So, it seems - yet again - the revolution must start in Russia!

An idea...

2009-11-27T13:53:00.005Z

How many times have you found yourself thinking 'if only I knew someone who did that' or 'if only I knew someone I could ask about that' or even 'if only I knew someone I could borrow that from'

Well, that was the idea behind my new attempt at spreading a little worldwide joy - the creation of groups on facebook , vkontakte and (hopefully soon) myspace where people can ask for - and grant- favours for other people.

I think there are always times when we need help; whether it's finding a great restaurant to propose in or borrowing a two metre banana (if you need one, let me know!). And if there was a huge group of people in one place able to ask and return favours, wouldn't that be a cool thing?

Maybe it's a crazy idea - but I kind of hope it might work...

How Facebook suggests friends

2009-11-23T14:25:00.005Z

A brief aside...

Today, after years of total neglect, I blew the dust and cobwebs off my facebook account and peered inside. Not a whole lot it had to be said; although there were a couple of images to the right hand side of the screen labelled as 'suggestions'.

These are, apparently, people that Facebook has decided that you might know - based (I assumed) upon mutual friends. So far, so good. But, in amongst the list of suggestions was a name that I recognised from a long, long time ago - Aleks Krotoski. She's (and I quote from her website) "an academic and journalist who writes about and studies technology and interactivity". But I don't know Aleks from this; I know Aleks because - at one point in a long distant past - I shared an office with her then boyfriend and bumped into her in a shop that sold cheap (but strangely tasty) Yorkshire pudding based edibles.

And that's it. That's how we know each other. How on Earth did Facebook know about this??? And she's not the only person from my time before blogging that peered at me from the murky waters of the 'suggested friends' page - people I've not even thought about, but who are somehow linked to me...

I'm slightly scared. Facebook appears to know more about me than I do myself...

Sorry

2009-11-23T09:08:00.003Z

Updates have been a bit thin on the ground recently, haven't they?

This is, contrary to what I would like to believe, all my fault. So I feel an urgent need to bring you up to date with things:

1) My epic blues trip. Sadly, due to fiscal constraints, this is very much on the back burner...

2) Running is going a little better - it has declined a little with the recent inclement weather but I am still getting out once or twice a week. And, at the beginning of October, I even managed to (bravely) slog through a 10km race (52 mins 14 seconds if you're wondering).

So, with discovering the blues off the menu, I decided I needed something else to doodle around with in the background and hit upon an idea for something in a similar area to my earlier 'applying for unsuitable jobs' which will, at the least, provide me with some degree of amusement. Can't say too much about it yet - all hush-hush, etc. - all to be revealed soon...

A minor setback to one set of plans...

2009-05-29T13:25:00.005+01:00

Well, I didn't quite manage the 'run on two consecutive days' thing *blushes* - you see, I forgot I would be going out to watch the Champions League final on the night. And I forget that when watching football at the pub, I always seem to drink too much beer. Not only that but, having drunk far too much beer already, I accidentally called into another bar on the way home (I didn't plan it!) and met up with a couple of people - which of course required that I consume more beer. And, since I'd already drank FAR too much beer by this point, it seemed just about the best idea in the world ever.

The consequence was that the only way you'd have got me out of bed at 6am the following morning was if the house had been on fire. And I'm pretty certain I'd have stayed in bed as long as possible in the hope they could put it out before it reached where I slept.

I did go running again today though. Same route, same result (three laps). I am certain my legs will complain loudly about it tomorrow.

New Guitar Techniques magazine arrived - will peruse it at my leisure later - but it looks to be jam packed with cool stuff as per usual. I just keeping hoping that is possible to improve my guitar playing skills just by reading it enough (perhaps through some kind of osmosis).

New Guitar Recording and Other Stuff

2009-05-27T17:34:00.004+01:00

Well, I've been working on my blues a little bit - to the point that I actually went as far as trying to record something last night. It's a blues in C, using a backing track from Guitar Techniques magazine.

Upon relistening to it; I quite like it. It starts a little bit awkwardly but gets better as it goes on. Possibly.

One frustration I have with my playing is that, while I love the fast playing of people like Stevie Ray Vaughan, Joe Bonamassa, Paul Gilbert, Joe Satriani (and a host of others) it's just not something that seems to come naturally to my playing. It's not that I can't play fast - in isolation I can pick reasonably quickly - it's just when I come to improvise it seems that my mind tells me to play slowly. I'm not sure whether it's simply I'm not good enough or whether I should accept that playing slowly is my bag. After all, BB King seems to get by without too many blazing runs or sweep picking...

Have a listen to my latest effort HERE

On an entirely different note, I've decided I really need to get back to being in shape. Too much sedentary work, not enough exercise, etc. So this morning I went for a jog in the local park. Managed three laps (which I guess is about 2 miles) and felt pretty good that I'd actually got up at 6am and gone running. Whether I can make it two mornings in a row, we'll have to see...

Recorded some guitar...

2009-05-22T14:28:00.005+01:00

I was listening to Joe Bonamassa's 'The River' and really enjoyed the slide guitar so I thought I would retune my guitar and dig out an old glass slide I'd purchased several years ago...

I tuned the guitar to F-C-F-A-C-F - which may look a more than slightly strange tuning (I was a little dubious, it has to be said!) but it turned out to give a fabulous sound.

The only problem was I couldn't find my slide and, despite attempting to improvise with (amongst other things) the neck of a beer bottle (while still attached to the rest of the bottle) and a bacardi shot measurer, I didn't quite manage to capture the glorious sound of a slide guitar.

Still, I liked the tuning a lot so I decided to have a go at finally recording something (after about five years of silence) and so got my PodXT set up to record with my laptop and RiffWorksT4 to record with and provide a drum backing.

You can hear my recording here - it's two tracks of guitar, one gently overdriven (Blackface) and the other a far heavier sound (Treadplate). It's one take for each so maybe a bit messy but, still, I'm quite pleased with how it sounds. Be interested to hear your comments...

Eurovision - The Aftermath...

2009-05-19T09:37:00.004+01:00

I should have known that my alcohol levels were going to be reaching all time highs purely from the opening ceremony during which there were multiple breaches of rules 1, 5 and 11.

This set the tone for the evening, during which I tried my level best to keep track of rule infringements but ended up losing count (and indeed pen and paper) by about song 12. My observations were that rule 10 seemed to come up quite often and that there were not enough cases of rule 13. I also decided - and I am guessing this based upon the scrawled notes found the following evening since I don't remember actually writing it - that next year's rules revision should also involve a rule based upon the use of pyrotechnics.

I am quite thankful to say that the intake of alcohol was more than sufficient to numb the quality of the entrants to the point that - by the time the UK entry appeared - I was quite convinced it was the best song ever entered into any competition anywhere.

It was possible to make it to the judging and remain conscious - however, the judging banged the final (vodka soaked) nails into the coffin with the Balkan voting alone emptying most of a bottle. By the end of that - not to mention the flagrant abuse of rule 3 by the Russian co-hosts - things were looking very bad. There was also a moment during which a person in a bear costume appeared - although I may have imagined this (confirmation greatly appreciated).

Needless to say, Sunday was a large (painful) blur punctuated by a wish for people to be a LOT quieter. However, I am glad to have ensured a large number of other people shared my pain and will be sure to created an updated Norwegian version next year (apparently, Norway also produces vodka!)

Eurovision Song Contest 2009 Drinking Game

2009-05-14T19:35:00.009+01:00

This drinking game is designed to be played while watching the BBC coverage of the 2009 Eurovision Song Contest. Some of the rules are slightly UK-centric so, if you intend to play this in another country, just ignore rules 1, 5 and 19 and knock back three shots before you get started.

Now, a word of warning; this game is based upon the consumption of strong alcohol. I cannot, therefore, be held responsible for you stringently following the rules of my game and drinking yourself into oblivion. Play this game at your own risk…

Requirements

A shot glass for every person playing (probably best to have a couple of spares in case people get excited).

Several bottles of Russian vodka (this is Russian Eurovision, after all!). If in doubt go with Stolichnaya.

Rules
The rules are very simple. You take a sip of vodka if:

1) Andrew Lloyd Webber is mentioned. Drink an entire shot if the camera picks him out in the audience.

2) Either of the hosts attempts to sing.

3) Either host pretends to be surprised at something said or done by the other in a clearly well rehearsed piece of improvisation.

4) Either of the hosts loses track of their autocue.

5) Anyone sitting in the room with you says something along the lines of ‘It’s not the same without Terry Wogan’

6) The video shown before an act contains shots of people in traditional costumes. Drink two shots if anyone is Cossack dancing.

7) You see a bear. Drink an entire shot if it’s a person dressed in a bear costume.

8) You aren’t entirely sure whether the singer is man who looks like a woman, or a woman who looks like a man.

9) A country is represented by a singer from somewhere else in the world.

10) The act involves people on stage banging large drums.

11) An item of clothing is removed on stage. Drink an entire shot if it is removed by someone else.

12) The act is bald. Drink an entire shot if they are also female.

13) The act possesses a large moustache.

14) The act is dressed in leather. Drink an entire shot if they are dressed in leather and have a large moustache.

15) If you hear a language used other than that of the nation who is singing (i.e French singing in a song by Malta). One sip per language. If in doubt, take a sip.

16) You recognise the song immediately as being a blatant rip off of a previous winner of Eurovision.

17) The song is an ode to world peace. Drink three shots immediately if there are any children on stage during the song.

18) Every time there is an awkward silence and/or miscommunication between the hosts and the people reading out the votes. Drink an entire shot if the votes get mixed up.

19) Every time you hear "Royaume-Uni? Nil point!"

20) Every time a country gives top marks to someone for geographic, political or ethnic reasons. Drink an entire shot if they give them to Russia because they’re worried they won’t get any gas this Winter otherwise.

21) If there is any alcohol left once the show is finished and you’re physically capable of coordinating the movement of alcohol from the bottle to your mouth.

Best Movie Ever?

2009-05-13T21:45:00.002+01:00

Whoever said that there is a fine line between genius and madness has obviously seen the trailer for the upcoming Debbie (sorry, Deborah) Gibson movie Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.

I mean it has everything on the checklist to be the film of the year (maybe decade).

Giant Octopus? Check!

Mega Shark? Check!

Debbie Gibson? Check!

Mega Shark attacking a flying Boeing 747? Check!

That's right - a mega shark attacking a plane. If you can think of something more awesome than that then I envy you deeply.

Watch the trailer and, if you can get through it with dry eyes, you're doing better than I did...

Swine Flu Expert Unconcerned...

2009-05-12T23:11:00.001+01:00

Three Kings

2009-05-11T22:03:00.004+01:00

Today I dug out the latest issue of Guitar Techniques magazine which has a most excellent feature on the playing styles of the 'Three Kings' of the blues - Freddie King, Albert King and BB King.

The article takes a look a few licks in the style of each before giving you a 'jam' between the three of them and the backing track to practice over.

Well, I've probably been somewhat annoying my neighbours today by sticking the backing track on repeat and trying to really dig in and play with some feeling over the top of it.

I have to admit, back when I first started playing guitar I wanted to play fast flashy stuff - like Steve Vai - but over time I've really begun to appreciate laid-back soulful playing. I still love a bit of flash but the blues very much has a hold on me. Of course, it also might be because I'm nowhere near good enough to play like Mr. Vai, but we won't go there...

Anyway, I really feel like I'm beginning to make good progress on my playing. Aim to go to a jam night tomorrow - which will probably deflate my self confidence considerably!

Feeling creative...

2009-05-10T11:40:00.003+01:00

Although nothing to do with my blues odyssey, I'm currently feeling tremendously creative. An idea for a fantastic story recently popped into my head - can't tell you too much about it just yet - and I'm off doing some research for it.

I think it will marry many of my loves in fiction - intricate and elaborate plotting, more twists and turns than a twisty, turny thing, strong (and opposed) characters and a smattering of vague wit.

It's very different to anything I've ever written before and that makes me all the more excited about it...

Feeling Generous?

2009-05-09T18:45:00.002+01:00

Back when I was doing 100 unsuitable jobs, a lot of people would ask me to put a 'Donate' button on the blog but I never did manage to get around to it.

However, since no one has asked me about it for nearly two years, I decided to do something about it...

Timing is clearly not my thing.

But if you fancy buying me a latte to keep me amused, you can now do so freely!

A starting point?

2009-05-09T12:58:00.004+01:00

Still keeping up my practise sessions on the guitar - a gradual process but one that feels strangely rewarding to someone who has done so little formal practise in his life!

I've also been looking into possible starting points for my epic blues venture; and Jackson, Mississippi looks likely been a great place to begin. Not only is a place that has a rich history steeped in the blues, but it's also well located - it's got an international airport and an Amtrak route that goes all the way to Chicago!

Wow - I actually learned a SONG...

2009-05-08T08:01:00.005+01:00

Well, yesterday, after continuing to work on my appalling lack of chord knowledge I thought I'd spice things up a bit by trying to actually learn some songs...

You see, in the past, I've been quite happy to noodle around but I've rarely had the time (well, mainly patience) to actually sit down and try to learn a real song (or I simply learned the cool intro riff and then got bored!). Well, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was a lot easier to get to grips with then I first anticipated!

I picked Joe Bonamassa's 'Don't Live Anywhere (Live)' as my starting point because:

a) It's at a reasonably slow tempo for me to practice my chords

and

b) I love the solo.

I got hold of a trial version of Guitar Pro (do I get a free copy for that?), found a tab to practise with and - to be honest - had great fun with it. If things go as well for the next year, maybe this will work after all! I even had a go at singing (shush, don't tell everyone!)...

And for those who've not heard it; here's the song I'm talking about:

Getting the Blues...

2009-05-06T07:31:00.004+01:00

While I can play a bit of blues shuffling rhythm, I don't really know why I play what I do aside from I can tell, subconsciously, it fits the same pattern of chords that I've heard a thousand times before in songs from Muddy Waters to Elmore James to Buddy Guy to Stevie Ray Vaughan...

So, yesterday was all about looking into the patterns of the blues - although it was more of a quick peek in their general direction as I tried to work out what all this I, IV, V chord notation meant.

From what I understand, the Roman numeral corresponds to the 'numbers' of the notes in the Major Scale in relation to the root note of the scale.

E Major Scale = E, F#, G#, A, B and D#

Therefore, the I, IV, V progression is E would be E, A and B (which ties in with what I did know about playing a blues progression!).

Of course, what gets confusing are all the variations of those I, IV, V chords that are possible within a 12 bar blues while still being a blues! I am working on this today!

In other news, I've been looking into just how I'd manage to get about in the USA and it looks like a combination of trains and buses would be a pretty economical choice. I have to admit, I quite like the idea of using a train - gives me time to relax and have a chat; I think if I drove everywhere I'd end up knackered. Although perhaps spending 12 hours driving from one part of the USA to the other would be enough to really give me the blues...

Sprucing things up...

2009-05-05T09:13:00.004+01:00

Well, yesterday was a sprucing the blog up day...

I added a little Digg button and a Twit This button (in case anybody reads something and feels an instant urge to share) which stretched my technical abilities to the maximum and also sorted out Adsense since it's something I've consistently neglected to properly sort out.

Of course, there is a certain irony (some would say stupidity) in sorting out Adsense when you've just come back to the blog after leaving it for two years and its visitor count is in the low two digits rather than when you were blogging daily to 3,000 people. However, I never claimed to have a good business head!

I also signed up to Twitter - you can visit my Twitter Page here - since everyone is always, well, twittering on about it and I have to say after Day One, my initial excitment (yah, shiny new website to fill out all the same information I've filled out in several others!) gradually ebbed away as I gained six followers - all of whom wanted to advertise something - and I found moving into the 'Trending Topics' area was the equivalent of stepping into a bad work party where everyone is discussing the same tired topics, with very little interesting to say. Maybe it will grow on me.

Say, when I have three hundred million followers all waiting for the vague crumbs of wisdom that I deign to toss their way at random intervals...

Improvement Advice - Part 1

2009-05-03T10:52:00.004+01:00

So, knowing that a year isn't an awfully long time to turn my guitaring around, I turned to the Music Radar forums for some advice from people who know a whole lot more than me...

Here's some of the advice I've received so far:

1) Learn blues licks in as many different keys as possible.

Ok, this first bit of advice sounds do-able (I think). I mean, there are loads of sources for blues licks and I've already got quite a few floating around in my head.

2) Learn as many blues rhythm patterns as you, including chord substitutions.

Ah, now we begin to hit choppy water. I'm not entirely sure what a chord substitution is. I'm rather hoping it allows one, when one is playing and is a little unsure of which chord comes next, to wave one's hands and distract the audience for enough time that the chord is not missed. But I have a feeling it's a little more complicated than this...

3) Learn plenty of licks to play over turnarounds.

The turnaround, from what I remember, is the end of the rhythm pattern when the tune 'turns around' back to the starting chords. This means that any licks you play have to fit across the chords in the turnaround. I think.

What all of this shows is that I have a lot to learn. Consequently, I've not got time to fanny around here typing; I need to learn me some blues rhythms...

Gettin' my Mojo workin...

2009-05-02T17:16:00.003+01:00

If I want to seriously think about trying to jam with honest-to-God blues musicians when I make this trip, then I need to get my guitar chops in order.

I'm a pretty ordinary guitarist and so I need to spend the next year or so (assuming I aim to do this Summer 2010) improving my blues abilities.

Thankfully I have a subscription to an excellent UK guitar magazine - Guitar Techniques - which, alongside all manner of tutorials, also has transcriptions from a range of blues greats including BB King, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Joe Bonamassa and plenty more. I'm going to be using this for a whole lot of inspiration...

I'm also going to be practising my picking techniques, (finally) learning a bit more about chords and making an effort to get out and jam once a week at an open-mic night to push me.

I don't have a lot of time to dedicate to guitar practice each day but I'm going to really try and ensure I do the best with the time I have. Will try and sort out my laptop so I can record from my Pod XT - then I can start posting some audio clips to record my (hopeful!) progress

I Have A Dream...

2009-05-02T11:55:00.003+01:00

So, what was it that brought this blog back from its medically induced coma and me back to the world of blogging?

It was an idea. An idea that came to me while sitting enjoying a latte macchiatto in the sunlight. However, since it is my theory that most ideas seem wonderful when you're drinking a good latte and enjoying rays of April sunshine, I decided to hold off for a while and thoroughly evaluate it.

That took until the next latte arrived, by which point I had convinced myself that it was quite the most fabulous idea I had ever had...

The idea is simple:

I want to travel to the US and trace the history of the Blues - from the Delta to Memphis, from Chicago to Texas - meeting intriguing people associated with the blues along the way and bringing along my guitar for company while I use this blog to write the whole thing up.

A simple idea that combines four elements I have a great deal of fondness for:

1) Travelling across the USA. Always wanted to do it but have never got around to it.

2) The Blues. I love most types of music but the Blues has a special place in my heart. It's the music I keep returning to again and again and when I play, it's what inspires me.

3) Playing the Guitar. My relationship with the guitar is an interesting one. I love the guitar but I'm not sure it loves me. I've been playing on and off (mainly off) for years but any vague skill I have on it is a merely a triumph of my willpower over my inate lack of musical ability.

4) Writing. I love to write (you may have noticed) and the idea of transcribing my dream trip (and preparation for it) will be fun to write. Can't promise it will be fun to read but, hey ho, can't have everything, eh?

There is a whole lot of preparation involved in turning this idea into reality but this blog is going to chart the course of that. It's also going to chart the course of me really trying my damnedest to hone my guitar playing to the point that I can, by the time I do this, feel confident enough to get up on stage and jam my way across America.

Personally, I think this is going to be a whole lot of fun...

Catch Up Post

2009-05-02T11:04:00.000+01:00

Ok, first of all - June 25th, 2007 - has it really been that long since I last posted? I guess it has.

Well, this a brief update (for anyone with a vague interest in such matters) is that I ended up getting the MA and then went on to find myself a job (and an entirely suitable one at that!). Which rather put a big dampner on the whole 100 jobs thing, if I'm honest...

You see, it felt dishonest to carry on applying for unsuitable jobs while I was engaged in employment and although I had such great fun writing it at the time I realised that 100 jobs was set to end as both a success and a failure. A success because it was a rollercoaster ride (I would never have believed I'd get over 100,000 visitors when I started it and go on national radio to talk about it) and, yet, a failure because I never did manage to reach 100. Job number 78 was the last and I think will be the last. There all still here though in the archives, so if you want to read back over my attempts (amongst other things) to be hired as a pirate, a psychic medium, a substance misuse trainer, a bodyguard, an experienced sock designer, a sheriff's correction officer or a part-time antelope keeper then you can still read them.

But, the time of unsuitable job applications is at an end. I'm now moving onto something else entirely...

Job No. 78 - Director of Events

2007-06-25T22:24:00.000+01:00

Well, it's been quite a busy time lately - I had to get all the coursework in for the taught section of my Masters finished off (which involved plenty of late nights) and I've now moved onto the Masters Project (which, while less stressful than the coursework, is still taking up most of my time). Ok, I admit, I'm making vague excuses for why it's taken me so long to get around to writing another job application...

Although, in my defence (and offering a further excuse) I would have managed to write this application earlier if my car hadn't decided to die a death today. Something involving tappets and worn cam shafts I believe - and none of it any good! So, if anyone would like to donate a new engine - or indeed a new car - to a struggling writer then please get in touch! :-)

Anyway, enough waffling about me...this morning, while meandering amongst the Guardian Jobs page (a perennial favourite) I happened upon the following position - European Healthy Stadia Project Manager.

The problem of ill stadiums has been largely ignored by the medical profession but, with the Olympics coming up on us fast, it's obvious that they're trying to act before it is too late. I mean, just imagine if you had to cancel a major event because Wembley Stadium had contracted a case of the chickenpox?

However, as tempting a job as this was, I soon stumbled across something bigger, something more exciting - something which was surely a much better fit with my particular skillset. So, today, I have applied to be the Director of Events at the Royal Albert Hall.

Being a very cultural sort, I felt this was right up my street as it served to couple my inventive nature with my keen understanding of how to entertain the cultural elite. The job description called for "the creativity to identify and develop opportunities for new programming ideas."

I was determined that my application should give me a place to express some of my highly innovative and creative ideas by suggesting some opportunities that they had perhaps, hitherto, overlooked.

Obviously, the Royal Albert Hall is synonymous with classical music, opera and ballet but I felt if it was to appeal to the common man it needed to find some events that were less elitist and which offered great inclusion and accessibility. Hence, for starters, I have proposed Celebrity Mud Wrestling, Opera Karaoke (with a pitcher of beer and free curry thrown in for the price) and spicing things up a bit by luring the Adult Video News awards away from Las Vegas...

I'm certain that when they read my glittering and bold vision, they'll soon be whisking me down to London to start planning their event calendar...

Book update...

2007-05-13T10:48:00.000+01:00

Well, while there's no news yet of any publishers deciding to snap the blog up and give me a huge seven-figure advance (allowing me to retire in luxury where I can spend all day drinking tea and eating cream cakes), there is a little bit of an update on the news I had in January - the news being that a US publisher wants to include two of my blog entries in an anthology of non fiction...

Today I found the book (which is released in July) had a listing on Amazon! Apparently it is a collection of "Narrative nonfiction at its cutting-edge best from writers at the cusp of recognition and fame."

The editor published the book with the intention of finding "new voices and innovative ideas — essays and articles written with panache and power."

I am quite pleased that someone thought I fell into either of these categories. However, I am not quite so certain about the old 'at the cusp of recognition and fame' bit - unless it's a bloody big cusp, that is...

Job No. 77 - FHM High Street Honey

2007-05-06T21:53:00.000+01:00

Well, I know it's been a while since I managed a job application - life has been rather hectic of late - but today I stumbled across news that FHM are looking for a new High Street Honey for 2007. Apparently it's:

"...the biggest - and sexiest - competition of its kind, with a prize to make any aspiring model go weak at the perfectly-formed knees. Fill out the form below and then submit your pictures for a chance to win £10,000 and a place on the FHM cover. Good luck!"

Now, I realise that a competition is not quite a job - but it's pretty close and winning the competition would ensure that I would receive a "guaranteed modelling contract with a respectable modelling agency with whom we have a strong relationship."

From what I understand of the High Street Honeys competition, it is traditionally aimed at female entrants but - since I didn't see anything in the rules that prohibited males from entering - I figured I might as well have a good go. So, I started by reading FHM's six easy steps to taking a winning Honey's photo...

Step 1 - Do Wear Black
This wasn't too much of a problem for me since the vast majority of my wardrobe is in black. It would have far been harder to find something that wasn't black. Getting a suitable pose involved taking a look at some of last year's finalists, digging out the digital camera and - one quick ponce around in front of a door later - I'd captured my first FHM picture. I then made it black and white for a more artistic look...

Step 2 - Do Utilise Your Surroundings
I didn't have many surroundings to utilise - but I did have a door so I stood in front of it...

Step 3 - Do Be Proud
Apparently, if you have won an award, you shouldn't be afraid to show it in your photo. It was at this point that I cursed my misfortune in not stumping up the necessary cash to purchase my 2006 Editor's Choice Published Poet Ribbon Award Pin - just think how proud I would have been if I could have managed to get that into the photo!

Step 4 - Do Venture Outside
Once in a while, I find that I must abandon my PC and venture out into the world that lies outside my living room - it doesn't happen often but, fortunately, I managed to capture the momentous occasion on camera and used this for my second FHM picture....

Step 5 - Do Remove the Bra
FHM give the handy advice that 'half our last top ten lost the mango-hammock and got to the final!". Not possessing mangoes (or indeed any other kind of exotic fruit), let alone said hammock, I felt secure in the knowledge that I had done my best...

Step 6 - Do Show a Little Nip
Ok, so I fell at the final hurdle; both of my entries were completely nipple free - and, may I point out that any comments along the lines of 'but you made a tit out of yourself' would be almost entirely predictable...

So, with my pictures sorted I just had to complete the online entry form (I decided to name 'My Mum' as the person who had nominated me) and agree to the terms and conditions (which would, should I be chosen to reach the final 10, prevent me from appearing on the covers of rival magazines such as Maxim or Loaded). Now I just have to sit back and wait for that ten thousand pound modelling prize to fall into my lap...

An off topic rant...

2007-04-18T23:34:00.000+01:00

Well, I'm taking time out from my usual job applications to bitch, whine, moan and generally rant about the immigration service in the UK and how much I've enjoyed dealing with them today...

So, the story starts because my wife is a foreign national and has a visa that permits her to stay in the UK for two years.

Now, since my wife's passport has expired and is with her consulate being renewed, I contacted the immigration service at the point in time where it would be possible to apply for a new visa allowing her to permanently settle in the UK - this was the 23rd March - and asked what the situation was when applying for a new visa without a current passport. No problem, said they, you can send in the application with a covering letter but - they said - it would be easier if you could wait until nearer the time (which happens to be tomorrow, April 19th) in case the passport becomes available to pick up.

Ok, I thought - no problems; I'll wait until the very last day then, if the passport becomes available we can send it off and, if it doesn't, I just send the covering letter that I've got prepared...

Well, the passport still wasn't ready by this morning so I got ready to send off the application. However, while putting together the package to send I realised that I'd made an error on one of the pages of the application form so I hopped online, googled up the form - it's a SET(M) form if you're interested - and pulled up the PDF file.

The application form looked completely different.

Assuming I'd clicked the wrong file I navigated back and checked - nope, this was the SET(M) file and there was some text about it having changed on April 2nd 2007...a small alarm bell started to ring in my head...

I flicked through the information - from April 2nd, the form and application process had changed and, not only had the fees more than doubled (£335 to £750), but there was a requirement for all applicants to have passed something called the Life in the UK test.

To say I was displeased is an understatement - I could have posted the form with a covering letter on the 23rd March but only held off because the immigration service told me it would be easier if I waited. Of course, they neglected to mention that if I waited I'd also incur an extra £415 in application fees, plus a £34 test (and the £10 book you need to revise the information from!).

It got worse.

I rang the immigration department and explained the problem. To paraphrase, they told me 'tough'. Apparently this change had been in the news so I should have known about it. Not only that but - because my wife hadn't passed the Life in the UK test (since we didn't even know it existed until this morning and you can't take it within seven days of booking it) she can't apply for the settlement visa but must, instead, apply for an extension of stay until she can take the Life in the UK test...

The extension visa costs £395 and will last a month or two until she has to take the test, at which point we will have to pay an additional £750 to apply for a settlement visa. So, due to the advice of the immigration service, the cost of the visa has risen from £335 to £1189 (a not entirely insubstantial increase of 355%).

And, just when I thought the day could get no better, I read about the Life in the UK test...

Apparently, the sort of information that you need to know in order to be deemed fit to live in the UK is as follows (and I've taken this from the website!):

What and when are the Patron Saints' Days of the four countries of the UK?
What type of constitution does the UK have?
What are the powers of the devolved administrations?
What are quangos and non-departmental public bodies?
How is education different in Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales?
Who can offer information on occupational or personal pensions?
What documents must a child have before they can work?

Now, if you know all the answers to those off the top of your head then I'm almost impressed. But I'm betting that the average man or woman who has spent most of their adult life in the UK will struggle to answer almost all of those questions. Apparently, you're not fitting into UK life and culture if you don't know this stuff...

Never mind that my wife works in Higher Education, has a Bachelor's in Linguistics and knows considerably more about how to use the English language than I do - it is obviously far more important that she knows about the powers of the devolved administrations and what documents children need before they can work...

Enough is enough...

2007-02-20T17:48:00.000Z

Right near the start of the blog I decided to take off the comment moderation but, after coming back to my blog after a few days away to find a veritable feast of advertising for items such as steroids, teen sex movies and viagra, I've realised that I'm going to have to turn the moderation back on...

What does this mean for you if you want to leave a comment for me? Well, probably that it will take a day or two until I get around to checking out and approving (or deleting, if you're a spam merchant) your comment...

Sorry I've had to change things but there's only so many of these things I can take!

Job No. 76 - Resident Sex Therapist

2007-02-06T07:30:00.000Z

While taking an idle wander through the Guardian jobs site this morning, I happened upon a role which intrigued me. And while I was sure it may prove to be hard work, I was certain that I could rise to the occasion as a Resident Sex Therapist at the Academy of Sex and Relationships in London...

As well as running workshops based on various exhibits (details of exactly what exhibits were rather vague) I would be tasked with creating touring exhibits. This led me to consider suggesting some form of sexual performance on a tandem – not only a vitally interesting touring exhibit but also extremely environmentally friendly). Additionally, I would have to be ‘on hand’ as a resident Sexpert to assist staff in engaging with the public (although, I have to say, I think this is taking the idea of staff development a little too far).

The chief requirements mentioned in the advert were that the candidate needs to be ‘dynamic, energetic and charming’ – three characteristics which I’m certain I can manage to fake during the course of an interview. I could turn up in a hurried fashion wearing a business suit (dynamic), tell the interviewer she’s wearing a smashing blouse (charming) before peeling off said business suit to reveal lycra shorts and vest and jogging out of the interview room (energetic). A plan that surely has success written all over it.

The person specification asked that candidates have a degree in the field but I’m certain that having studied the first year of an Economics degree should more than enough qualify me for the position. In my application letter I made sure that my overwhelming enthusiasm and creative thinking shone through:

Dear Roddy

I wish to apply for the position of Resident Sex Therapist, as advertised on the Guardian jobs site and have attached my CV for your consideration.

I am dynamic, energetic and charming and feel that I am fully capable of demonstrating these characteristics within an interview environment. However, I also have a huge enthusiasm for the job and possess a wide variety of creative ideas that I believe could catapult the Academy to the very forefront of sexual therapy.

Certainly I feel there is considerable potential for touring exhibitions – perhaps a series of outdoor demonstrations to fire both public and media interest? I would be happy to discuss my ideas with you in more detail and look forward to hearing from you soon…

Regards

Oliver Davies.

I’m certain that the Academy of Sex and Relationships will be quick to get me onboard once they see the quality of my ideas and, perhaps, this summer you can look out for a cycling sextravaganza coming to an A-road near you…

Poetry update...

2007-01-28T16:37:00.000Z

As regular readers will be aware, way back in October, I entered a poetry competition - which resulted in me being sent a rather splendid letter from poetry.com telling me that my poem had so impressed the judges that I had made it through to the semi-finals of the competition and that I could have my poem published in an anthology of poetry (for only a small sum). Well, obviously I was excited but - being a little short in the cash department - I was unable to take them up on their kind offer (or, indeed, take advantage of their kind offer of a multi-volume order discount)...

Then, on the 2nd of November, poetry.com realised they needed to up the ante as I received the following email:

Over the past several months, we have been reviewing the thousands of poems submitted to us, as well as examining the poetic accomplishments of people whose poetry has appeared on the Internet and in various editions released by other poetry publishers in

America

and Europe. After an exhaustive examination of this poetic artistry, The International Library of Poetry is pleased to inform you that you have been nominated for inclusion in THE INTERNATIONAL WHO'S WHO IN POETRY.

Congratulations on your accomplishment, Oliver. This is an extraordinary honor. The International Who's Who in Poetry will be among the finest quality and most interesting books we have ever produced, and poets from several nations around the world will be featured. Each poem published will be exhibited on a page by itself. Every aspect and design of this anthology will display an uncompromising level of craftsmanship and attention to detail. This coffee-table quality book will be printed in two colors on fine milled paper, and it will feature a highly detailed, ornate cover and quality typography throughout. It will make a handsome addition to any library, a treasured family keepsake, or a highly valued personal gift.
Obviously I was elated with this news - a ringing endorsement of my poetic credentials - but, again, they needed a small amount of money from me - $49.95 for the book, $19 for postage and handling and a (nominal) fee of $25 to prepare and print my artist's profile. It was such a wonderful offer but I just couldn't quite bring myself to shell out all that money (even for such a finely crafted anthology) and so I resigned to not hearing from poetry.com again...

And was therefore surprised when, on 27th December, I received a further email from poetry.com that was so exciting that I almost collapsed in shock. Thankfully I was sitting down when I opened the email:

Dear Oliver,

The Editors of The International Library of Poetry were thrilled to inform you that your poem was bestowed the prestigious Editor's Choice Award because of your artistic accomplishments and unique perspective--characteristics found in the most noteworthy poetic works. To further commemorate this prestigious achievement we have elected you to receive the 2006 Editor's Choice Published Poet Ribbon Award Pin.

This stunning pin proudly displays your elevated status in our poetic community. Since only an elite group of published poets were selected to receive this special honor, imagine the sense of pride you will feel when others see you wearing the 2006 Editor's Choice Published Poet Ribbon Award Pin. What an impressive way to show off your status as an honored poet for the year 2006!

As you can see from the picture above, the pin in question is clearly an exquisite work of art and - were it not for the $19.95 plus $5 shipping - would be extremely tempting to any would be poet. Since receiving the email, many have been the times that I've reflected on the sense of pride I would have felt when others saw me wearing it. Oh well, I guess it just wasn't to be...

And then, just when I had resigned myself to the fact that poetry.com was only interested in me for my money, I received a (frankly stunning) email from them on the 13th January which surely demonstrates that they are interested in me - first and foremost - as a poet and artist:

It's something we don't often do, but after reading and discussing your poetry, the Editorial Advisory Board of the International Library of Poetry has nominated you for membership in the most exciting poetry organization in the world--the International Society of Poets!

The Editorial Advisory Board wholeheartedly agrees that your poetic writings warrant nomination into the International Society of Poets--a poetry organization that is world-renowned and dedicated to recognizing poetic talent such as yours. As Chairman, I want to personally inform you about all the new benefits of Membership, and I did not want you to miss out on this opportunity. Oliver , I know that after hearing what we are about, you will join us as a member of our society--the International Society of Poets!

The excitement was palpable (which is surely the best kind of excitement). I am so glad that the quality of my poetry is due to be recognised within my own lifetime. Now, I just need to find $149 for my annual membership fee and I can join my poetic brethren...

Hmmm...

2007-01-19T21:10:00.000Z

Well, it's been an interesting couple of days for the blog...

The previous highest number of visitors in one day was way back when on September 19th when the blog was featured on the Guardian's newsblog and 1,200 of them turned up...

However, these last couple of days have seen over 3,000 visitors a day, which may not be much for a mega blog but - for me - is quite impressive. However, I must confess, it has made me feel slightly guilty about not doing applications on a more frequent basis.

Although, not so guilty that I'm going to go back to doing an application every day because I'm just too busy. Really. It's not just an excuse for laziness (trust me, I know them all)...

Update type thingy...

2007-01-18T11:56:00.000Z

Bit of news to share with you all...

Firstly, the blog was chosen to Website of the Day on yesterday's Steve Wright show (which was nice) and this inspired me to get off my bottom and finally post job no. 75...

Secondly, an American company got in touch to ask if they could include two of my blog entries (Jobs 51 and 52) in an anthology of the best creative non-fiction to be published later this year. So look for me in hardback sometime over the summer!

Well, with all that news shared I feel a strong desire for a big mug of tea (and perhaps a biscuit or two). I'll try and make sure I post at least one job a month from now on...honest!

Job No. 75 - Friends Organiser

2007-01-18T11:51:00.000Z

Well, with the pressures of academia currently restricting my job hunting, I have decided to try and restrain my applications to an altogether more reasonable monthly basis for the time being…

However, when a friend of mine on MySpace pointed me in the direction of Cardiff Council and their urgent requirement for a ‘Friends Organiser’, I felt compelled to offer them my assistance in their time of need…

The job description wasn’t entirely clear on how many friends I would need to organise or, indeed, exactly what organisational methodologies they were hoping to see put to use in the role. Organising one’s friends on the basis of age and gender is quite a simple task (certainly no more than a part-time role) so I think that, in order to justify one’s position, it is important to find new ways to sort out your acquaintances. I feel it is vital that any system to organise friends allows one to rapidly distinguish, for example, between those friends who are afraid of mustard and those who enjoy collecting lint. In my application form I wanted to demonstrate some of these innovative ideas:

I believe I could bring a strong organisational background to the position and, with recent experience of statistical analysis, I am capable of utilising a range of organisational methods.

Since gender and demographic based filtering is very much old hat, I would recommend (subject to available data) alternate filtering schemes such as physical dimensions, entertainment preferences, dietary requirements and political persuasion. This would enable rapid structuring into manageable sub-groupings.

I am certain that Cardiff Council will be tremendously impressed by my ideas and, if selected for interview, I intend to use this time as an opportunity to explain just how my organisational system would allow you to efficiently sort out your lanky, abseiling, steak loving Socialist friends from your dumpy, painter, brussels sprout eating Liberal Democrat friends…

Happy New Year (slightly belated)!!!

2007-01-14T19:52:00.000Z

Just a quick update to let you know how things are going...

Very busy with my MA at the moment - just completed my first major assignment (went a bit overboard and did 18,000 words - sure the tutor will love me for that) and I'm busy working on all the various bits and bobs for the next couple of assignments. Enjoying it immensely but do feel a tad guilty that I've not managed to add to my job count for a while...

However, I can promise that there will be an update later on tomorrow. Try and contain your excitement. No, please do...

Job No. 74 - Exposures Coordinator

2006-11-28T14:44:00.001Z

While I still have plenty of University work to keep me busy, I received an email this morning that sent me the details of a currently vacant position in Manchester - Exposures Coordinator working for Cornerhouse...

It was the sort of job opportunity I felt was too good to miss out and so, putting aside my work on Client and User Centred Solutions for a few minutes, I flexed my writing muscles and dug out my slightly dusty CV (which I immediately updated to include 'Currently studying an MA in Creative Digital Media').

Random flashing has long since been the bane of the North West but, it appears that the International Centre for Contemporary Visual Arts and Film has been hardest hit - the problem isn't so much the public nudity as the fact that said nudity is sporadic at best; indeed, it's quite possible for Manchester to go for a few days without any exposing occurring, only for three exposures to then take place within the space of an hour. Frankly, this kind of behaviour just isn't helpful to the local aesthetics...

The job only involves two days per week work - I'm not sure whether one gets to choose which days (and must schedule exposures around them) or whether one's working schedule is simply a slave to public nudity. However, I do have some interesting thoughts on how to improve coordination while also, in keeping with the ethos of Cornerhouse, inspire the wider public to interact:

Utilising modern technology. I intend to use email to organise exposures and perhaps even borrow from the 'flash mob' culture and introduce the concept of 'flash flashing'
Screening of exposure candidates. This is after all the 21st century - there are certain aesthetic standards which one must strive to uphold. Chiselled torsos, perky breasts and honed physiques are in - flabby bellies, wrinkly bottoms and varicose veins are right out. Those who fall into the latter category will be encouraged to take part in 'at-home exposure' nights...
Provision of heating units. It can get rather nippy in Manchester as the nights draw in and this, surely, must have a negative effect on people's willingness to get involved; thus I'd ensure large heating units were erected to offer a more welcoming environment for those wishing to shed their clothing.

In my application statement, I was asked to 'sell yourself as the best person for the job' - which is exactly what I did:

I believe, with my extensive media-focused project management experience, I could assist greatly as an Exposures Coordinator.

I think Cornerhouse needs to firmly grasp opportunities offered by modern communication technologies and look into ways in which levels of involvement could be improved by adoption of new and innovative systems.

I also feel that a degree of filtering of candidates will serve to very much improve the quality of offerings in the long-term and assist in further raising the level of prestige associated with the event.

I'm sure that my extensive experience, forthright views and innovative ideas will help me stand out from the crowd and, maybe, my time at University will be cut short as I'm whisked away to Manchester to ensure people can strip off with no fear of scheduling confusion...

Important Blog Announcement

2006-11-16T19:30:00.000Z

Well, I'm afraid things are going to be changing a little around here...

As you may know, as well as applying for unsuitable jobs, I've been applying for some suitable jobs as well - but, I've had absolutely no luck, no least because the highest qualification I possess are A-levels. So, when I was offered the opportunity to join a one year MA course at the University of Teesside, I jumped at the chance. Of course, I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to afford it but I'll just have to find a way because - with a proper qualification - it should be possible to get the lecturing position I'd really like.

So, where does this leave the blog, I hear you ask?

Don't worry, I'm not going to abandon my quest - but I'm afraid that, because I'm joining the MA course six weeks late, I'm going to be pretty snowed under with course work for a bit (until I catch up). So, I'm not going to be able to post a blog every day for a while, the updates will be a little bit more sporadic.

I hope you'll understand the reasoning behind my decision and that you've enjoyed the last 73 days of unsuitable jobs...

Job No. 73 - Head of Service

2006-11-15T21:25:00.000Z

One of the great mysteries in science is a huge gravitational anomaly that lies in the direction of the Hydra and Centaurus constellations; scientists are unsure exactly what it is but it seems to be pulling vast swathes of the known Universe towards it - they've nicknamed it The Great Attractor.

In much the same way, tonight I found that my job seeking efforts were pulled inexplicably towards Lincolnshire. I'm not sure whether (like one of the theories about the cause of The Great Attractor) it could have been dark matter or whether it was just simply a cosmic coincidence but, either way, I had a hard time deciding between tonight's two vacancies...

The position of Head of Service - Provision Planning for Lincolnshire County Council sounded quite tempting; working with Children's Services I'd get to be in charge of provisions - which I hoped would be organising food for picnics rather than deciding the content of school dinners, which frankly is not a fun job - you end up with irate Jamie Oliver on one side, telling you to make the dinners healthy, and irate parents on the other side telling you to give them chips (or, failing that, simply shoving them through the school bars).

However, I found a second Head of Service position with Lincolnshire County Council that held even more interest for me - Head of Service - Strengthening Families Services.

As an occasional gym goer (usually when my willpower wins out over my common sense) and a keen amateur nutritionist, I feel that I am well placed to offer families tips on bodybuilding and weightlifting. Obviously Lincolnshire County Council is hoping to combat the rising threat of morbid obesity by funding a programme designed to boost the physical fitness of the inhabitants of Lincolnshire...

The old methods of just telling people to exercise are now out-of-date but I have a raft of new and innovative ideas - from the installation of televisions that are powered by exercise bikes (you want to watch Eastenders? You've got to pedal for it!) through to the complimentary dispensation of anabolic steroids and boosting community spirits by engaging neighbours in tug-of-war matches across the garden fence. I made sure I detailed this in my application statement when asked what I would bring to the role:

I believe that I could bring a great many innovative ideas to this position in order to help the Council achieve its targets. The standard intervention model is really a thing of the past and I feel that new approaches need to be taken to meet the goals of the program. I think that rewarded development can be part of the solution, as can external inputs, although to truly engage with families we need to develop links between communities - which will serve to both foster relationships and strengthen families.

I'm fairly confident about this one - I'm preparing some exercise plans even as we speak so I'll be ready to impress them with my gym session ideas at the interview...

Job No. 72 - Sustainability Manager

2006-11-14T20:54:00.000Z

Today, feeling quite a bit better than I did yesterday (after a comprehensive treatment of Earl Grey tea and Apple & Blackberry pie), I found locating a job considerably less taxing...

I was listening to John Humphrys the other day on Radio 5, talking about his new book on grammar, and he was rather concerned about the standard of modern teachers. Noting that he knew of an English teacher who had written on a pupil's essay "you could of written this more neatly" he suggested all was not well in the world of teaching. Now, it would be all too easy to dismiss his worries about standards as the ramblings of a grumpy old man were it not for the fact that recent reports suggest that 79% of science teachers can't adequately explain gravity, 54% of English teachers struggle to define a split infinitive, 27% of maths teachers avoid talking about algebraic equations and 93% of metalwork teachers are unable to dress themselves (without considerable assistance).

However, it would appear that educational authorities are rather concerned about this issue themselves - as can be seen by their attempt to recruit a Tutor in Teacher Education.

I imagine that the job would involving giving out remedial lessons to teachers to bring their standards up to the minimum level and then being available to help out in difficult situations - for example, when a pupil asks a question that deviates from the list of facts the teacher has memorised for that particular subject. However, I finally decided against applying as I felt it could be an altogether too frustrating assignment...

Consequently, I have decided this evening to apply to be a Sustainability Manager for the North East Assembly.

In its own words, the North East Assembly is:

"...the regional planning body with statutory responsibility for planning, transport and housing at the regional level..."

Which sounds a rather vague sort of organisation to me - I imagine lots of money being funnelled away into ever stranger projects - but I don't really mind as they're prepared to pay a salary of upto £40,000 per year...

Reading between the lines of the job description, I could tell that they were looking to recruit a Sustainability Manager in order to plot a means by which the North East can become entirely self sufficient, withdraw from the United Kingdom and establish itself as an independent, democratic republic. It is possible that their computer generated predictions suggest that the exporting of Stottie Cake could allow them to build up a considerable trade surplus.

I had a hard time squeezing too many of my ideas into the limitations of the application form but still managed to suggest the conversion of St. James' Park into arable land (although some would argue their football this season has already been rather agricultural!), the rebuilding of Hadrian's Wall (to establish a necessary security cordon to the North) and the need for intensive investment into Stottie Cake production sites and infrastructure...

I'm sure that the North East Assembly will recognise the brilliance of my thinking and will soon be signing me up to help them map out the future of the North East as a sovereign nation state.

Job No. 71 - Director of Information Security

2006-11-14T00:22:00.000Z

Today was one of those days where the world of suitable jobs greatly impinged upon my ability to carry out any work on my unsuitable job applications - hence the reason why I'm writing this so late and why, in all likelihood, by the time I actually manage to post it, it will be after midnight! Not only that but I'm also feeling a little under the weather...however, ever determined to complete my quest, I have battled through a strong desire to simply go to sleep and taken a brief tour of the various recruitment sites...

I feel there is little explanation needed for why I felt the position of Retail Sleep Counselor with Mattress Discounters to be particularly appropriate at this moment in time, save to say that I feel exceptionally well placed to promote the benefits of slumber right now. Mattress Discounters claim to be:

"...the pioneer of the specialty sleep shop."

Now, I'm not totally sure what a specialty sleep shop is but it sounds a great place - if they had one around here, I can just imagine nipping in for a brief lie down and nap before heading off to buy the groceries at Tesco - but I'm afraid that being surrounded by beds all day in the workplace would likely prove too much of a temptation for me and I'd end up sleeping on the job...

So, instead, this evening I have decided to apply to be a Director of Information Security; a job that surely can't be as easy as it sounds since it pays £100,000 a year. Frankly, for £100k a year, I'd memorise the documents for them and then shred, burn and bury the originals...

In my application letter I let them know that, not only do I have a professional attitude but also, I have a number of ideas on improving the standard of information security.

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Director of Information Security, as advertised on the Times website, and have attached a recent resume for your consideration.

Quite aside from a strong technical background and experience of leading and managing development teams, I also have many ideas on how to improve security. For example, adopting a 'terrorist cell' mentality and compartmentalising knowledge at every turn can only be a good thing. In addition, I would recommend random stop and searches of employees (preferably involving sodium pentothal and/or a degree of physical coercion) and also bend the rules on privacy in order to protect company assets.

I trust you will give my application serious consideration and look forwarding to hearing from you soon...

Regards

Oliver.

I'll save my ideas on employee torture for the interview - after all, I want to play some of my cards close to my chest...

Week 10 - Update

2006-11-13T09:41:00.000Z

Well, this morning marks two highly impressive blog-related milestones...

Firstly, this is now the 10th week anniversary of the blog - ten weeks ago today I'd not yet had the idea to apply for 100 unsuitable jobs (the eureka moment was still a few hours away). Oh how things have changed, eh? Well, actually not an awful lot - after all, I still have no job and no money! And, as for the second milestone, well - as luck would have it - this is my one hundredth posting on the blog. See, I told you you'd be impressed!

I felt as if I should celebrate somewhat (perhaps a cup of tea and a fudge cookie?) and decided that I would let you in on my newly-created Amazon wish list (packed with hi-tech, high priced goodies) in case there are any benevolent millionaire types reading who feel like spoiling me. May I also remind said benevolent millionaire types that my birthday is now only just over a month away and that joint 100th blog posting/birthday presents are acceptable...

In other news, there's going to be another article on my blog in the local newspaper - although, unlike the last one, I've not had any input into this one so I'm a little worried as to how I'll be portrayed. The last article made me sound quite nice, whereas it's entirely possible this new one could make me sound like a complete raving lunatic (and there's little I hate more than when the press tells the truth!).

Finally, in job news, I'm afraid the Irish Cricket Union has turned down my application to be their National Cricket Coach. Well, all I can say is, if they don't win the next Cricket World Cup, I hope they don't come crying to me, begging me to solve their problems. I'm sorry Ireland, you've had your chance!

Job No. 70 - Top Gun Conference Planner

2006-11-12T22:00:00.001Z

This evening I discovered an interesting vacancy on the Guardian jobs website that appeared to offer a lot to a creative individual like myself - Prison Exit Officer.

Now perhaps this is a symptom of the huge changes that have occurred within the prison system, or even of the raft of human rights legislation that has been drafted over the course of the last decade, but it would appear that not only can the modern prisoner expect to have access to playstations, get paid to play scrabble and eat three course meals but also they no longer even have to suffer the stress of planning their own escape attempts...

Back in the (good) old days, prisoners would have to rely upon their own ingenuity in order to effect an escape - creating moulds of keys from an old bar of soap, constructing ropes from twisted sheets and sketching maps of the prison sewer system inside bibles - but in the 21st century, this type of freethinking is discouraged. This is due, in part, to health and safety rules; there is a concern that a prisoner who, while making a key mould from a bar of soap, slips on said soap and injures himself could sue the prison service for extensive compensation. Thus, it is far safer for prisons to have a member of staff on hand that can organise escapes by the safest means possible - preferably by simply signing off on paperwork that says they've been rehabilitated and are ready to rejoin the community...

And so, when it dawned upon me that my plans of re-enacting scenes from Colditz were destined to come to naught, I realised that I should turn my attention to something else - more specifically - to the idea of applying to be a Top Gun Conference Planner for Wolters Luwer Health.

I'm not entirely sure why a medical information service wants to plan a conference for the US Navy Fighter Weapons School but, I'm certain it's something I could handle. I imagine, quite apart from the complex scheduling of flights, a great deal of care has to be taken to hire the right sized room as, with so many huge egos in one place, things could get a little cramped (and that's not even counting my own!). Catering is also a vital aspect since it is well known in military circles that the US Navy Fighter Weapons School refuse to eat anything other than salmon & cucumber sandwiches (with the crusts removed), pickled onions and sponge cake...

The job application asked for candidates to possess extensive experience in a range of Microsoft software (which, strangely enough, I have) but, rather worryingly, did also require candidates to possess a - frankly - phenomenal level of manual dexterity:

"...who can juggle and keep 15 balls in the air..."

I have to admit - I can't juggle at all (apart from that fake juggling thing where you throw one ball while passing a second between hands while the first is in the air) and I can't believe that any amount of practise is going to get me to that level of competence (indeed, the world record for juggling doesn't even approach this standard!). Consequently, in my application letter, I asked that they find it in their hearts to overlook my failings in this area:

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Top Gun Conference Planner and have attached a recent version of my resume for your consideration.

I have extensive experience of project and conference management, am familiar with a broad range of industry standard software, possess excellent communication skills and can prioritise my own work and set, and achieve, deadlines.

My levels of manual dexterity are a little below the standards you may be hoping for but I would like to think my strengths in other areas will compensate for this particular shortcoming. However, it is an area I am committed to practising and improving upon...

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Oliver.

Hopefully they'll be in touch with me soon so I can help organise their Top Gun conference, or indeed any kind of military air force get-togethers...

Job No. 69 - Workforce Transformation Manager

2006-11-11T20:33:00.000Z

In the modern business world, while it may be acceptable for managers to make the mundane decisions, when it comes to the more vital and important decisions, blue chip companies will more than likely call in outside help to steer them in the right direction...

In the 21st century, management consultants are considered to be a little too 1990s and a new trend has emerged that sees industry basing its decisions on the use of psychics and crystal balls - at least, that is what I assumed when I saw an advertisement for an Oracle Consultant.

I envisaged sitting there in a darkened room, perhaps dressed in some kind of shawl, while the leading lights of British business take it in turns to come in and cross my palm with silver (or just simply left a big fat suitcase full of money). In return, I'd peer into my crystal ball or maybe do a bit of hydromancy (or both for only 50% more!) and tell them what lay ahead for them in the future. I'm certain this kind of random decision making is likely to be more successful than the managerial blundering we usually associate with many British companies...

However, despite the salary being perfectly adequate, my head was today turned by another vacancy - Workforce Transformation Manager.

My head filled with images of Trinny and Susannah, I imagined a job where I would be able to work cosmetic miracles and improve the aesthetics of the British workforce. And, while transforming the looks of office workers was interesting, I was more intrigued by the idea of taking a public workforce - for example, the police, and then working to make them happier with their visual appearance...

The standard British police uniform is remarkably dull; for an example, see this picture - in which we can see two police officers, with the officer on the left particularly ill at ease with his fashion sense. I feel that we could transform the police force by outfitting them in some pastel shades that will make them look a little less formal and perhaps replacing the police helmet (which is so 1800s) with a jaunty cap worn at an angle. And then there's the whole accessories problem - I mean, handcuffs? Batons? Maybe alright if you're going to an S&M do, but darling, not for the High Street - instead I think the police should be looking at high waisted metallic belts, Balenciaga sunglasses and Karl Lagerfeld's Chanel bag for 2007...

Ideally we'd want to get someone like Jean-Paul Gaultier in to completely reinvent their whole look but, with police funding the way it is, we'd probably be lucky if the finances stretched to new socks from Primark.

And so, with my application posted, I am now flicking through a copy of Vogue magazine - making sure I'm up-to-date with the latest developments in the fashion world and ready to transform workforces at a moment's notice...

Job No. 68 - Branding Manager

2006-11-10T23:41:00.000Z

By the time I came to hunt for jobs today, I was more than a little peckish - indeed, I'd go so far as to say that I was in fact rabidly hungry - so it came as little surprise to me that almost all of the first batch of jobs I found this evening seemed to centre on food. And, while I could resist the idea of being a chef (having already applied to be a Head Chef), I found it much more difficult when I saw that Dunkin Donuts were looking for a Donut Finisher...

Now, I've finished my fair share (and possibly a couple of other people's fair shares) of donuts in my time and, while currently only of amateur status, I felt sure that I could take the step up to the big league and turn professional. I assume that, at the end of the working day, Dunkin Donuts prefer to have someone to finish off any of the remaining donuts that are hanging around...

However, my appetite for the position faded somewhat when I realised that Dunkin Donuts weren't just keen on me polishing off the superfluous donuts at the end of the day - oh no! It seems they want someone to finish a broad range of baked products, as the job description promised that role would include:

"Finishing donuts, baking muffins, bagels, croissants, cookies..."

Now, while it all sounds very attractive, I began to question just what would be the effect of eating such a large amount of sweet bakery goods each and every day. And, the answer appears to be that I'd get fat. Not just podgy, not just pleasantly plump, but seriously obese - thigh rubbing, several bellied, obese - and having been really good about my weight for a couple of years now, I decided it would probably be best to avoid temptation and look elsewhere...

Which led me to discover a position that illustrates just how divisive the current software industry can be. It seems that some companies are not content with just keeping a beady eye on new employees, but instead are making moves to permanently mark them so that rival employers are aware of their affiliation - evidenced by the position of Branding Manager for Microsoft.

Branding has been commonplace in the cattle industry since the Middle Ages and was generally used as a means of identifying who owns a particular piece of cattle; which allowed cattle to be released to graze on the free range. Microsoft, ever keen to learn from the lessons of history, are obviously intent upon utilising a similar method in order to allow their employees to travel to business conferences and tradeshows while remaining easily identifiable when it comes time to round them up. After all, in much the same way that most cows look pretty much alike, IT staff tend to share broad similarities and a decent branding can often be the only means of distinguishing between, for example, two database programmers...

However, I was a little surprised that Microsoft - proud bearers of the flag of technological innovation - were so keen on the traditional 'hot iron' approach to cattle - sorry, staff - identification when more modern (and less painful) methods such as RFID chips are widely available. I can only surmise that either Microsoft are intent on being as tight fisted as possible or that they are complete and utter sadists (although, there are some who, having used their software, would argue that they are most likely both).

Having submitted my resume, I'm certain I'll stoke their interest and they'll soon mark me as a hot prospect for this position...

Minor Update - TFM Interview

2006-11-10T08:15:00.000Z

This week I have been considerably more efficient than normal and have managed to sort out yesterday's TFM interview already. So, if you missed it yesterday and would like to hear how I got on (I ditched last week's pre-interview preparation and reverted to a 100% off-the-cuff approach again!) then you can do so by going here: http://www.solsbury-hill.co.uk/tfminterview9.mp3

Job No. 67 - Satellite Technician

2006-11-09T11:42:00.000Z

Maybe it was because the radio was playing 'Intergalactic' by the Beastie Boys, but today I was inspired to look to the stars for my job application and so, while touring the Simply Hired recruitment site, I was delighted to find that Northern Trust were advertising for a particularly exciting position - Non-Resident Alien Tax Manager...

The job description asked that you possess "knowledge of the non-resident tax areas" and I felt that my grounding in astronomy could serve me well here, at least in getting my up to speed but I was a little wary as these sort of areas tend to be quite complex. I imagine that taxation for aliens throws up a number of thorny issues - for example, are they exempt from paying VAT as non-residents? And are they able to claim a fuel allowance when on official business (such as abducting people)?

And, just I was beginning to think that maybe this wasn't the right job for me I thought about the clientele - imagine having to tell him that he hadn't filed his annual accounts in a proper and timely fashion?

So, leaving aliens and their taxes behind, I saw a vacancy on Career Builder for a Satellite Technician. Now, when I think of spaceflight I have to admit that I tend to think of Cape Canaveral in Florida rather than Boise in Idaho, but this particular position with Star West Satellite demonstrates that interstellar industry is obviously branching out...

I was a little disappointed at the quality of the wage ($9-$15 per hour) considering that the job requires you to 'install satellites' but I figured that the sheer thrill of journeying into space on a regular basis would serve to compensate for this drawback. The exact mechanics of transport weren't dwelled upon in the job advert so I decided to enquire about this in my application letter:

Hi Chris

I am very much interested in the position of Satellite Technician, as advertised on career builder, and have forwarded you an up-to-date copy of my CV.

I have considerable technical knowledge in the area, although as of this moment it has been of a theoretical nature as I have not had the opportunity to have hands-on experience in the field. Nevertheless, I am confident I could deal with the complexities of the job with minimal training.

One aspect of the job I was interested to know more about was whether the transport was provided by the company or whether you would be expected to make your own way to a job site?

I trust you will give serious consideration to my job application and look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Regards

Oliver.

Hopefully I'll get a positive response from Star West Satellites and, within a couple of weeks, I'll be blasting off to mess around with some satellites; actually, I hear they need the Hubble Telescope fixed - a couple of spanners and a phillips screwdriver and I'm sure I'd have it sorted in no time...

Job No. 66 - Leakage Project Co-ordinator

2006-11-08T21:54:00.000Z

Well, after a day where I was unable to post an unsuitable job application because I was dealing with some suitable job possibilities (don't worry, dear reader, they came to nothing!), normal service is very much resumed today! However, I realised that my lack of job posting yesterday means I am now back on schedule since I applied for jobs 2 and 3 on the same day. Therefore, my revised finish date (if I've done my calculations properly) is December 13th...

So, after spending some time scouting for intriguing possibilities on Monster, I found a job that seemed to perfectly suit my indolent tendencies - Key Holder, working for Tuesday Morning Inc.

Now this seemed like it would be a particularly easy job. At 9am you come into work - you pick up the key and hold it; 12pm you put the key down (or pass it to an assistant key holder) so you can go for lunch, before returning at 1pm, fully refreshed and ready to hold the key until 5pm when it's time to clock off and go home. Nothing to it, I thought to myself - until I read the candidate requirements:

"Candidates must...be able to comfortably lift up to 50lbs."

Bloody hell, I thought to myself, that's some key. No wonder they need to hire somebody to hold it full-time; you wouldn't be able to just clip that one on your belt and wander off. Suddenly, the position lost all attractiveness - the idea of lugging a 50lb key (that's probably three foot long) around all day made me feel tired just thinking about it...

So, instead I took the advice of Jo who messaged me on Myspace to give me a heads up on an interesting job she had spotted - Leakage Project Co-ordinator, working in Berkshire...

With billions of gallons of water lost to leakages ever year in the UK, it seems that water suppliers just aren't happy - hence the need to employ a full-time co-ordinator to ensure that more leaks are created. I'm not sure whether they are creating leaks because they can then obtain government funding to repair them or if it's just simply a case that the water suppliers get bored, have nothing to do and nowhere to go and have turned to vandalism as a way out from the drudgery of their own existence. Alternately, it may be that water companies are in the business of sabotaging their rivals networks (in the hope the rival will lose their license and the vandals can move in and take charge). However, regardless of the cause, the job description showed they meant business:

"As a Leakage Project Coordinator it will be your primary function to coordinate the delivery of Leakage lead projects within each region to time, cost and quality requirements."

I envisaged that I'd drive around Berkshire, stopping here and there to unscrew a pipe or (if a major leak is called for) sledgehammer a water main - or perhaps, as a co-ordinator, I'd be able to stay nice and warm in the office and send out my leak causing minions to wreak havoc on the water grid. But, regardless of how my day would be organised, I was sure it would be a lot of fun.

Coincidentally, I recently had a small leak under my kitchen sink and managed to solve this particular problem with a set of spanners, a complete lack of DIY knowledge and several rolls of kitchen towel - I felt sure this was the sort of experience that I needed to detail in my application letter, to let them know that I've worked on similar things before...

Hi Natalie

I wish to apply for the position of Leakage Project Co-ordinator, as advertised on your website, and have attached a recent CV.

I have a strong background in managing complex technical projects and dealing with large budgets. In addition, I believe I could assist in dealing with the leakages and also ensure that they are properly co-ordinated.

I believe I could take the lead in delivering leakage solutions - whether big or small. I have some recent leakage experience, which I dealt with personally in a timely manner with minimal costing to the desired quality.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Oliver.

Hopefully, my email will trickle across the internet to arrive in Natalie's inbox tomorrow morning - and, before long, she's bound to be gushing with enthusiasm about my leakage potential! Now, I did consider creating an extensive final paragraph of water leakage puns (i.e. don't want to sound a drip, she'll be running to show people, etc.) but decided against it as I didn't wish to be seen plumbing such depths...

Suitable Job Update

2006-11-07T14:45:00.000Z

Now, normally, I wouldn't mention a suitable job on this blog but, I thought I'd tell you a little story so you can see how frustrating my life can sometimes be...

As you know (if you read my first post!), before I began writing this blog I'd been working in the videogame industry for twelve years as a game designer and producer (the last five of them as a freelancer). So, a week or so before I started my quest to apply for 100 unsuitable jobs, I sent off an application to be a Lecturer in Game Development with a University...

This was a very suitable job, since not only have I worked in the game industry but I've also lectured part-time at the University of Teesside on a couple of their modules (such as game design, game production, etc.). However, today I received a phone call from the University's HR department asking why I'd left the degree section of the application form blank.

"Erm...because I haven't got a degree." I explained. "I left University after my first year to become a game designer..."

Which buggered it, I'm afraid. They liked my application, they said; they were extremely impressed with my game development experience and thought I was a very strong candidate. But the absence of a piece of paper (even a 2.2 would have been ok) means I am removed from the shortlist. Oh well...

It would appear that someone up there is determined to make sure that I see this blog through to the very end.

Job No. 65 - Pet Counselor

2006-11-06T20:15:00.000Z

I decided to apply for today's job not because it offered a fantastic salary (it doesn't), nor even because it's based in a fantastic location (although, admittedly, Florida is marginally more fantastic than Ingleby Barwick) but, instead, because I knew that it would allow me to help the needy in their times of trouble. So, really, there was no hesitation when it came to applying to be a Pet Counselor for Petland in Delray Beach...

In 1953, the world was a very different place - TV was still a relatively new media, the era of home computing was decades away and mobile phones were a thing of science fiction; it was a time where job related stress hadn't been invented, where there were no alcoholics (just people who liked a good drink) and where homosexuality was very much still in the closet (and firmly padlocked there, thank you very much). It was a different world, and one where mental problems were frowned upon and quite often ignored. And so it comes as little surprise that, in the unsympathetic climate of 1953, a comprehensive survey carried out by Gallup to determine the state of the nation's pets revealed that only the smallest fraction (4% of dogs, 1.5% of cats) were prepared to admit to any kind of psychological disorder...

But times have changed. The world of 2006 gallops along at a much faster pace and, if you can't keep up, it's all too easy to find yourself falling by the wayside. In these enlightened times, we accept that it's not easy being a domesticated animal and that pets have to deal with the same weaknesses and worries as us humans. And, with stresses and addictions running at an all time high, a return survey in 2005 revealed that almost 80% of pets are now dealing with a mental disorder - with 26% believing they are living with multiple psychological disorders...

The job description mentioned that 'pet knowledge is desired but is not required as training will be given' - although quite why sales experience will be useful, I'm not sure. Perhaps you need to do sales pitches for treatment sessions? I wasn't sure why they were so insistent I be prepared to wear a Petland uniform and carry out cleaning of animal living spaces either. However, not one to quibble over such minor details, I focused on the main job at hand...

As a pet counselor I expect that I'll be dealing with a variety of traumas as I get pets on my couch - anorexic dogs, gender confused rabbits, cats with a crack problem, even sex addicted budgies - but I'm sure I can help them no matter what it is that ails them. Utilising an experimental hybrid approach that encompasses traditional Freudian psychoanalysis and cognitive-behavioural therapy, I'm certain that I can get to the root of their problems and help them reintegrate into society.

All I needed was to be given a chance - so I made sure my application made Petland aware of just how dedicated I was to this particular cause:

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Pet Counselor, as advertised on Regional Help Wanted and have attached a recent resume for your consideration.

I am deeply committed to the ideal of being a pet counselor and, aside from possessing a strong retail background I possess a keen interest in a variety of treatments including psychoanalysis and cognitive-behavioural therapy. I believe that I could make a difference to pets and help ensure that they can live lives free of psychological problems and addictions.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Oliver

With my application sent, it is now simply a case of waiting for Petland to ask for my assistance. After all, somewhere out there, a guinea pig with a compulsive disorder needs my help...

Week 9 - Update

2006-11-06T11:06:00.000Z

This morning I am mostly drinking strong tea and listening to a G3 album in the hope that the combination of caffeine and over-the-top widdly guitar music will somehow manage to kick start my brain into action. Have to confess, it doesn't seem to be working yet...

If you missed it yesterday, I put last week's TFM interview online (it's a bit strange) so feel free to have a listen!

Also, I heard back from a newspaper with regard to the idea of turning my blog into a column - unfortunately, it's not looking that likely at the moment. The thing is, they'd like to see me getting some interviews, maybe even some job offers - which is a tad problematic considering I am applying for unsuitable jobs. If only I had possessed the forethought to apply for jobs I was capable of getting quite easily, I'm sure it would have been a much simpler task to obtain a column (although, I fear the blog may have been marginally less interesting).

In other news, not content with playing with make-up last week, it seems that I also write like a woman. Well, at least, that's if you believe the Gender Genie, an online text analysis tool that predicts your gender from the text you input. Having seen it mentioned on littleredboat, I decided to feed in a couple of my blog postings and it seems that jobs 64 and jobs 59 are quite clearly the work of a female. I'm not quite sure what all this means but I figured that it would probably be best to shave my legs and develop a passion for shoes, just to be on the safe side...

Job No. 64 - Sandwich Artist

2006-11-05T23:11:00.000Z

While on my regular job scouting expedition on the Guardian website I came across an interesting vacancy that is further proof, if anymore was needed, that the NHS is in a somewhat shambolic state at the moment - Head of Procurement for NHS Blood and Transplant...

It seems that, with blood banks running low on supplies, the NHS has decided to take drastic action in order to ensure they can keep up with demand and employ somebody tasked with getting hold of the required parts and bodily fluids with no questions asked. I'm sure that, given a bit of time, I could come up with some good ideas - from the legal (giving clubcard points or air miles for donating blood) through to the shady (siphoning off blood from existing NHS patients when its obvious they don't really need it) and the entirely illegal (mobile blood banks patrolling the streets, ever ready to steal a couple of pints from the unwary pedestrian). As for transplants; well, I have a whole host of ideas but none of them are really savoury enough to be printed here...

So, deciding to avoid such a vampiristic opportunity, I continued to peruse the recruitment sites before stumbling upon a vacancy that was identical to one that had been suggested to me only a couple of weeks ago. It felt very wrong to dismiss such an obvious portent, and so I determined that, if fate was demanding that I applied to be a Sandwich Artist then that was just what I was going to do - apply to be a Sandwich Artist for Subway in San Mateo, California...

I wasn't entirely sure whether the position required you to create sandwich based art, or (and it's a subtle but important distinction) to create art from sandwiches. Now, I thought long and hard about this before coming to the conclusion that the creator of sandwich sculptures would have to deal with a whole range of problems including staleness of products and mold - and thus, unless you were Damian Hirst (and prepared to display your art suspended in a tank of formaldehyde), it would be a very short lived work of art. Thus, it seemed sensible to assume that they wish to employ someone who can create sandwich based art. And I think I might just be that man.

First impressions count and I knew that, with fierce competition a given for a position like this, I needed to hit them with both barrels blazing - serve them up with something so impressive that they'd be fools to turn me down. So, at the back of my CV I decided I'd give them a quick glimpse into my sandwich art portfolio...

Firstly, I wanted to show a true classic - the Mona Lisa, just as she's about to tuck into a cheese and pickled onion sandwich - but, I wanted to let them know that I'm not just about the classics and that I can also create artistic works that reflect a more modern sensibility. Thus, I also created and included a vaguely Warhol-esque work that I've decided to dub 'Sandwich x6'

I feel certain that once Subway realise what a range of talents I could bring to the position, they will be quick to snap me up and commission me to produce a raft of culinary inspired masterpieces...

Special Update - TFM Interview

2006-11-05T16:25:00.000Z

Last week's TFM interview is now available to listen to as an mp3 - but, I have to warn you that it's slightly unusual...

Ok, so normally what happens with my TFM interviews is that, about ten minutes before they ring me, I remind myself of the jobs I've applied for in the last week but, aside from that, I don't prepare any notes, I just improvise based upon what I'm asked. However, in the week prior to the interview, one of the jobs I'd applied for was Rap Writer and I was sure that Graham would ask me to tell him a few lines of my rap - so I figured I'd write a couple of lines down so I wouldn't sound stupid!

And, having done that, I thought to myself - why not make some short notes on each of the jobs? It sounded like a good idea at the time but, the end result was that I ended up babbling so much that poor Graham hardly got a word in on his own show (sorry Graham!). If you listen to the interview, you may get the impression that I complete most of it on only one breath!!

So, the bottom line is, I'm going to abandon any attempts at preparation and go back to my old haphazard approach! If you'd like to have a listen, you can do so here: http://www.solsbury-hill.co.uk/tfminterview8.mp3