Thursday, November 02, 2006

Job No. 61 - Pirate

Today, while looking through the various recruitment sites, I decided to explore a nautical theme as I discovered a vacancy for a Tugboat Mate with Moran Towing.

This sounded an interesting proposition as I was certain that it would be quite good fun to be employed to be friends with a tugboat. Having watched more than a few episodes of Theodore Tugboat (quite why, escapes me) I knew that tugboats could make excellent companions - after all, from what I've seen they tend to be cheerful, chirpy and extremely resourceful...

However, just as I was putting pen to paper (metaphorically, at least), I had a disturbing thought. What if, contrary to my expectations, Moran Towing were not looking for a mate, as in a friend, but a mate as in the biological sense? What if they were hoping I could assist them in breeding a flotilla of baby tugboats?

Since I wasn't sure that I could cope with the rigours and demands of nautical intercourse I cast my net far and wide to find something more suitable and, while trawling through Simply Hired, I found one particular staffing company kept on popping up on my radar - Pirate Staffing Employment Agency.

Pirate Staffing were looking for a wide variety of pirating positions; plumbers, labourers and warehouse assistants were all catered for; but I was hoping for something a bit more - well, how can I put this? - seafaring...

I assume that they don't advertise the really juicy vacancies on their website since the pirating business is very clique but figured that, if I was to impress them, I needed to show them my jib had the right cut and that I wasn't merely a land lubber. Which was a problem because, after a brief rummage in my wardrobe, I realised that I don't possess a single pirate outfit...

Luckily, the same skills that almost got me a job as a Photo Editor came into play - I grabbed some eyeliner and mascara, took a photo of myself and them spent ten minutes in Photoshop pasting my face onto Johnny Depp's (my sincere apologies to Mr. Depp and his many admirers - but this was an emergency) to create my own pirate portrait...

This, I stuck into the back of my CV, knowing that they would be suitable impressed when they found it. I then crafted an application letter that hinted at my interest in the more 'colourful' vacancies they weren't able to talk about on their website:

Dear Sir/Madam

I saw your company mentioned on the Simply Hired website and would be interested in utilising your services to find suitably gainful employment. I have attached my most recent resume with this email.

I am particularly interested in any specialist marine vacancies you might have; I was hoping that you might have some additional openings other than the ones you have listed on the 'Looking For Work' section of your website. After all, I understand that sometimes it isn't prudent to advertise every position you cater for...

I am hard working, loyal and not adverse to getting my hands dirty; I realise that times have changed somewhat in the employment market you cater for but I hope that you will recognise my skills and see fit to employ me in a position suiting my credentials and demeanour.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Oliver.


Hopefully, Pirate Staffing Employment Agency will recognise my inherent pirating potential and will soon be inviting me to climb aboard...

5 comments:

Sadie Rose said...

I like this one, Oliver.

I know a few people who might actually run up against you for one of these "under the counter" jobs tho! It's a cut-throat business, buccaneering. Savvy?

Your photo is quite fetching tho.

xx.Sadie

Gill said...

They may ask you to get your leg blown off by a cannon though?

Lorraine/Archanejil said...

They may ask you if you have your own parrot. I'm informed that in a crisis, you can always find an inflatable parrot in joke shops and possibly Anne Summers. Why you can buy a parrot in a sex shop, I'll never know. There are some sick people in this world.

Incidentally, the Depp look works for you.

For some reason though, this made me think "when is he going to apply to be an Avon representative...?" I think perhaps it was the eyeliner.

Oliver Davies said...

Still no word on this one but thanks for the nice comments on the photo! Maybe I should send it to Disney and ask for a role in Pirates of the Caribbean 3?

colormesticky said...

So much awesome on this page.